April 29th

Here I am again, I am still low, although not as low as I was. I didnt do a lot today except run around like a headless chicken. The car has been recovered, so thast a plus. However, with 105 recovery fee and over 250 damage, is it really worth it you got to ask yourself. So it looks like the states might still be off. If it was just a holiday it would be a blow, but we had chosen to get married whilst we was over there, so it looks like the wedding is off as well. This will be the second time the wedding has been postponed.
The exams for uni are now in full swing and i have 3 left to do, with 3 assignments to be handed in as well. This in the normal run of things would be water of a ducks back, now however, it looms its ugly head, leving me with a fear and dread. I will pass, I have to pass this year, although it will be a far cry from my normal polished performance.

I spent a long time last night not asleep, just laying there thinking. Now I am the first peron that tells you not to think too much at night time, everything seems worse. Still, I did. Sometimes smiling and sometimes crying as I looked back over the last ten years of my life. Some high, highs and some low lows. I have always been a people person, I need to be surrounded by people as much of the time as possible. I suppose is one of the reasons I went into pub management. I spend a long time thinking about the people I have met and known throughout my life and the impact they have had on me, both positive and negative. I look back to my youth and my faith, at one time an unshakeable faith, I think about people that probably wont even remember who I am or what they said to me, people that gave me strength and self belief. I wonder what they are all doing now. Duncan Green, who showed me that faith overcomes most things, Tim Clapton who taught me that faith wasnt something only old people had in a church, and got me intrestead in youth work (at the ripe old age of 11!!). Tim Stevens who seemed to have all the time in the world for me to ask questions of and fought hard for me to be confirmed even though i was only 9. Chris (sorry I forget your last name, female) who introduced me to GreenBelt and TraidCraft . David Ella, an amazing man, a vicar and ex police officer, inspiration and mentor. He taught me how to cannoe, and got me through my BCU exams, believed in me even when I didnt. He died about 3 years ago unfortunately. Nick, Mick, Julie and Andy, the aftergaurd of Cockney Spirit. For the fun times and fellowship that I enjoyed with them. Pip Wilson, for being a guiding light through some rocky times in my life, and enduring the tedium of CS commity meetings when a rather precocious 16/17 year old lad would argue the toss over everything. This list could go on and on. There are others that have had as much of an impact, and many more that have not, I could not possibly list them all. For those that I have not, if they ever chance to read this, then I am sorry, I have not forgotten you.
All these thoughts make me feel good and bad at the same time, good because it was a good time in my life. This is kinda strange as at this time both my parents were envolved in seperate car accidents and both lost jobs, mum was paralysed (supposedly for life, but after 6 years was out of the chair) dad had a nervous breakdown, it was hell. The bad thoughts come from wondering what these people would think of me now, if I could sit down and explain my life to date to them. I feel embarressed about a lot of things, the drugs, the pain i have inflicted, the 'wasted' education, the loss of faith. Yet I know these same people would not judge me, which in some ways makes it worst. Having spent a long time recently speaking to someone about everything in my life and struggling to cope with it all, he gave me this piece of information. It does not matter what you do, Jesus died for us, all of us, no matter what our sins are. Your problem is accepting that, you punish yourself because you dont feel you should be forgiven, accpeting that you have allready been is hard.

I am going to leave this thread there for the time being, writing this is hard and it is early and I am tired.

Just before I go, if you are into the election humour that is going around, then look at this http://www.gbjab.com/ it takes a while to load but it is funny, make sure you have your speakers on.

April 28th 14:25

I write this blog today with a sad heart, the last couple of days have been really tough. I am not the most financially solvent person around, what with being a student, and my partner only working part time. We were selling a car to pay for a holiday to the states, this car has now been stolen and it is not insured so it has gone................... just like that. This information came to me this morning after a paticularly honest and painful counselling session. I opened up to my counsellor a little, well a lot really, more than I have ever done. It left me scaired, vunerable, emotional. Still it is only 14:30, theres a whole lot of day left today for more to go wrong. I have given up looking for the good in the situations anymore, and have just decided that everything will go wrong so might as well prepare for it.
Yesterday, another great day. I was doing so well up to now, positive thoughts, positive energy. Generally all good stuff. I belong to an organization that I am proud of, a benevolent community who do lots of good. I have belonged to this organisation for 8 years, and my father and grandfather and great grandfather before me have also spent years with this group. I have been recieving treatment for my back privately, in the form of physiotherapy, which it has to be said aint cheap. It has got to the point now, where i can not afford it anymore. I approached this group and asked for help. I have only ever asked for help once before from this group, I was turned down by them as they dont 'deal' with psychological problems. I felt positive that this time they would help me. I was turned down again. They dont deal with physio either apparently. Well, this hurt, infact I plunged so deep I reached for the razor. I wrote a letter to say goodbye to my friends and family and I sat there working out how to end it all.
Obviously as I am writing this, I didnt. I think yesterday has to be the lowest point I have ever reached. I am disillusioned with life, with friends and with whatever higher power you choose to believe in. I am going to resign from the group I belong to, and will let them know why. This will acchieve absolutely nothing, but maybe someone will take it onboard and it may help someone else in the future. To be fair I am amazed at these benevolent people allowing such suffering amongst one of their own ranks, just goes to show that maybe beliefs in something can be wrong. I think I was more shocked by there refusal to help someone with a psychological problem, bearing in mind that the WHO (World Health Organisation) lists depression now as one of the most likely cause of premature death and morbidity and likely to become the highest cause within the next 5 years.

I dont know what to do anymore.

I have to go, I will blog again soon.

April 26th

See post below for who you should vote for link, my outcome was Green...............OMG I am a Greeny, mind you considering that I have been known on the net as Green Castle for several years, perhaps its not such a surprise........ Anyways I think I will vote Lib Dem, this might sound like an easy choice and a good way to hang parliment, (I think we may actually end up with a hung parliment this year, you never know) but for me is an amazing thing to do. You see, I was brought up a Conservative, I have worked the polling stations for them, been a runner for them, picked people up and taken them to polling stations so they can vote, have campaigned for them, been to the count for them. As you can see I was/am true blue. This year however I am voting Lib Dem, for several reasons, I dont rate MH as a good leader, I dont agree with some of there plans for the NHS, Tony and Co have had long enough to sort it out and are failing miserably (and turning us into america!!). So Lib Dem it is, as much as a protest vote as anything else. (Unless Prescott thumps someone, then I may have to vote Labour just for the commedy factor)

Anyways, thanks to Caroline for the link (i nicked it off her blog). So today, what has happened today, well surprisingly it rained, all day. So thats the end of the summer up here in the peak district, was a nice 4 days tho. I have spent somewhere in the region of 10 hours sat in front of a pc 'fixing' it for a friend. Unpaid and tedious as it is a P2 with 128k ram. So it takes forever to load stuff onto it, and he is to tight to buy a new one. Still he is a friend so I do it with a smile on my face, well ok, maybe a grimace.

Hmmmmmm temptation, I have stopped smoking (again) which is annoying people around me no end. I can stop anytime I want to, I do not suffer from any withdrawal affects, I dont get cravings, I just make a choice. Judes tried to stop with me, she is the opposite however and craves and becomes grumpy and has a real hard time. She gave up after 2 days and is smoking again. Probably did not help with me rambling on about nicotine addictions and psychological factors.
I have always had this annoying ability to stop taking whatever addictive substance I am using at that time. I discovered this when I was younger (and even dumber than I am now), I have used and abused Acid, Speed, Base, Heroin, Canabis, Cocaine oh and canabis (it does not affect your memory, honest). With all of them except heroin, stopping was just a choice, you made it, you stopped. Heroin was different, I made the choice and I stopped. Then I started again, I could not shake it, I went through cold turkey 3 times in a space of 2 years without any help from anyone or telling anybody about it. You see what people dont realise is that you can be addicted to a drug and using it in quite high quantities and still function within normal parameters as long as you are careful. I was running pubs, pubs which erm where not that nice and had drugs problems and violence issues, I was set up. It was easy to come by, relatively cheap and no one from head office would ever come and check on me as they were all to scaired to come into the pubs. Heroin still haunts me today, I find myself thinking about it more than any other drug, I am still clean and have been for 5 years. I will remain clean for the rest of my life, however, I will also remain a Heroin addict the rest of my life. Some scars run deep and hurt more than others, problem is these are not normally visible.

Damn where did that come from, ok enough ramblings for now.

April 26th

Who should I vote for?

Your expected outcome:

Conservative

Your actual outcome:

Labour -7
	Conservative 9
	Liberal Democrat 10
	UK Independence Party 10
	Green 26

You should vote: Green

The Green Party, which is of course strong on environmental issues, takes a strong position on welfare issues, but was firmly against the war in Iraq. Other key concerns are cannabis, where the party takes a liberal line, and foxhunting, which unsurprisingly the Greens are firmly against.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

April 25th

Ok Ok I have done it again lol. Sorry folks. Sometimes life is just too short.
Right quick update, today I had an exam, so as you can imagine spent a lot of time studying. Todays exam was ok, it was on Freud, Schizophrenia and intelligence testing, I did not do as well as I normally do, but I think I did enough to pass, maybe even get a 2:2. I am still suffering from memory problems, and the Dr is writing to university to try and get them to help me. The biggest problem is we dont know if it is the tablets that are causing the memory problems or the depression, so we keep plodding along and I keep taking my pills. Right, next problem my back, today is a great day, I have finally got to the point where it no longer hurts to sit down and the constant pain in my legs have gone. Ok, so I still got constant pain in my back, but trust me, its a move in the right direction. My physio is dead impressed with my recovery rate and has said I can go back to training, SLOWLY, but its a start. So tomorrow I am off down the Dojo to destroy all the good me and the physio have done. So thats cool. Happy me.
Wow, today I have not taken any pain killers, I have just realised, norally I take several different ones throughout the day, but today I have taken none, and the pain is not too bad. I know it probably will hurt more tomorrow, but again its a positive step. The sun is out today, I hate having to take exams while it is sunny, but I have to. Only 3 more exams and 2 pieces of coursework to go to finish this year of my degree................WAHOOOOOOOOOOO............
Mind you only 4 weeks in which to do it as well. Still could be worse.
Right next topic, me and Judes, we are doing ok. We went to the salon on saturday and had manicures, we go about once a fortnight. We enjoy the salon and catching up on the gossip, and before all you blokes go what a wuss, go and try it. It makes you feel good, makes your hands and nails look good, and stops me cutting my hands to shreds when im punching in training. However this saturday I was a bit wussy and agreed to paint my nails 'Thai Punch' which is a black/deep purple colour. I dont know why I agreed, but I did. Apart from people now looking at me wierdly, it aint too bad lol. I think I may paint my nails before fighting in competition, should be interesting lol.
I keep looking at the Greenbelt website, Greenbelt for those that dont know is a christian arts festival. It is a great place to go. I used to go all the time, but have not been for a few years, infact I have not even been to the 'new' site. I wish I could go, but with having a partner and child it is so expensive. We just cant afford it, so I guess I will have to wait till next year. Something keeps pulling me back to the site tho, and something keeps pulling my mind back to a time way back when, when I had a faith. Hmmmmmmmm I think I may have to do some more serious thinking.
So, sorry about rambling, but hell its my blog and i will ramble if i want too lol. The upshot of all these ramblings is this, I am feeling ok today, and yesterday and even saturday. I am human tho and can make mistakes, and I am as someone I know would say a beutiful imperfect human............ Thanks Pip.
Thanks to all of my friends, and please please please keep leaving comments. I love to hear from you all.

April 21st

Today was a strange day, tensions in the house are running high. I don't know why. Just everything I seem to do gets on everybody else's nerves. I've seemed to have upset Judes, I am not sure why, but somehow I have. Everything I say in reference to Boy is wrong and gets a stern look off of Judes, who is frequently telling me to stop being nasty. Today I feel like giving up, I feel like walking out, going back to a life I left behind. Back to fighting, back to drugs, back to pubs, I suppose back to destruction. This is strange, I have not felt like this in a long time now, I know it will be hard to walk, but I also know the sweet oblivion that would await me back in my old haunts. I think about buying some vodka and hitting it hard, maybe some sambucca to wash it down with, those were fun days, nothing really mattered back then.
Damn I am rambling, I promised myself I wouldn't. Right lets go back to the start. Today I told Judes to have a lie in, she needed the rest and I had to go to see my counselor. So I got up with boy and took him to school, then went on to see my counselor. The session was ok, not many tears this week as I kept it light, on purpose I suppose. We did talk about a friend of mine, a girl I grew up with called Zoe. She died in a motorcycle accident, well kinda. It was a big loss for me to take, and so close to other friends and families deaths that I guess it just washed over me without me breaking stride to notice. Now I feel so guilty about it all. I did not even mourn my friends passing, how shallow is that? Anyways, a brief tear was shed whilst I talked about Zoe, this inevitably led me to thinking about Marina, the pain is as real as it was 4 years ago. I shut the door tight on that one. Still I leave therapy and go to do an assessment on a university refectory, the decor is poor and the food terrible, so all about normal there. I drive home and see Judes, she is in a strange mood, seems cheerful but also agitated. (think at this point I should point out we stopped smoking two days ago, unfortunately I do not suffer the withdrawal symptoms some do and find it hard to understand them.) We speak briefly and have a brew. She goes and picks boy up from school.
I try and get some work done for uni, after about an hour or so I give up, its so annoying, nothing stays put in my mind and things I read I cant recall. I have never had this problem, my short term memory was virtually photographic (eidetic) and I never had to study. Now I can spend hours studying and be able to recall nothing. I give up and go on the hunt for light relief, I track down some friends in the SH community and spend a couple of minutes catching up. Even this fills me full of dread, all the time I am there I feel guilty about not studying. For the first time in ages I consider the blade (for ages, read 2 weeks), worse that that I consider the pills, I have enough now. If I take them all it would be over and no one could do anything about it. I consider this possibility for a while, well for ages. I decide not yet, there is still somethings I have to sort out before I can go.
Judes and boy are back from school and the park. She asks how the studying is going and I say ok, she asks after my friends who I have been talking to, I say they are ok. She looks hurt, she wants to know why I only talk to them when she is not around. This is not true I do talk to them when she is around, but its different. Firstly, I don't relate very well when she is around, I can not open up, I don't know why, fear of ridicule or a fear she wont understand. Also she wont let me tell them she is here, this puts me in a difficult situation. It sounds stupid, but people confide in me, they talk to me and I could not have those conversations with them and not tell them she is here. Its almost like a betrayal of confidence.
Things between me and Judes seem strained at the moment. It upsets me, we have both changed, but I have changed the most. Don't get me wrong most of it for the best, but I have changed, I have changed so much even my old friends no longer recognise me for who I am. I changed for her and because of her, I love her dearly. I have this serious feeling of dread when I consider what may happen between us. I bury it and concentrate on her birthday. May 5th. I have an amazing weekend of events and surprises planned for us. I hope she likes it, I cant go into too much detail incase she finds this. Needless to say it has taken some organising.
She is very agitated now, and goes to bed early. I speak to a friend on the phone, he is a kind and caring person, but even with him I don't tell him all. I cant, it is as if my retelling some of the story would cause my whole world to come crashing down around me. I can not let that happen, not anytime soon any way.
I make my way off to bed, she is asleep, I say goodnight and read for a bit. I watch her sleep and wonder where she is, is she dreaming of me or of something else. It is the first time in our relationship when we don't snuggle up close to each other or kiss each other goodnight. Something inside of me hurts and tears come to my eyes. It feels as though someone has just stepped on my life support line, and my breath catches in my throat, I watch her face, she is beautiful, why is she with me? Tears flow freely now, my mind fights to stay in control, part of it wants to switch off and hide, part yearns for the release of the blade, and part wants this moment to last forever, to stretch away into the cosmos, stretching the very fabric of time and space itself, the purity of my emotions yearn for it to never end. I kiss her gently on the forehead and switch the light off.
When I awake this morning she is gone, for a split second I worry, I panic, the bile rises in my throat. Then I remember she is working today.
I calm down and prepare to start another day.

April 20th

Damn, has it been 3 days allready? I must try and make more of an effort. Its 5pm, I am sitting here thinking about rubbish really. I have 3 assignments to be done by monday, then 2 more by 16th May. I have an exam every Monday between now and 16th May (except Bank Holiday) and some of the subjects I really dont have a scooby about. Still could be worse I guess. The weekend is now a distant memory, although it only happend last weekend, it seems like years since I have seen my friends. Life continues, pretty much how it always does. The election campaigns carry on filling our screens, the pills keep disapearing down my neck, the traffic keeps rolling past my window, and I still feel down in the dumps. Sometimes life overwhelmes me, I seem to stumble from one pillar to the next (or one crisis to the next, depending on your point of view) without any real sense of achievement of forward momentum. Life just is.
Its a dull day today, and the peaks are covered in mist, this used to fascinate me as I would sit for hours looking at the ever changing landscape. Now it is just dulll and grey. See everything is a perspective thing. Damn ok, I am not doing too well, still as I said could be worse.

Catch you all later.

April 17th

As I write this, I am in a reflective mood. It is on the back of a weekend that brought many memories back into my head, some good, some bad. I had two of my dearest friends come up from my home county of Essex. It was meant to be quiet, but Ian bought his guitar up, and the gathering quickly got bigger as old friends who have become new friends again joined and we had an amazing session with guitars and drums and sax. It has been a while since I have played my drums, the back injury has almost stopped me completely from playing. So, lots of painkillers and alcohol meant it was possible, (tho not recommended) and I am now paying the price with blinding agony.
The arrival of my friends sparked off lots of memories, memories of a time when I reveled in my 'reputation' and spent most of my life drinking and fighting. Its amazing that you can look back and see such great times, and then you think about it rationally and you start seeing the pain you was in and the pain you caused others, both physically and emotionally. I was a bastard, hey I can still be, but I choose not to be. It was a time when I could do no wrong, I was hard and focused, I had money and some notoriety. I had a career and I reveled in it. I was still depressed tho, well at most times unhappy, scared, injured and frightened. Running some of the 'hardest' boozers in the uk takes a toll, both physically and mentally.
It was a part of my life I had buried and forgotten, well not all of it but some of it. This weekend as well as rekindle some great memories of some great pubs and live venue places I had run, had also removed the layer on the nasty places, the fights, the pain and the hurt. The scary part is, I miss it. I miss the adrenalin, I miss the money, and I miss the notoriety. I yearn for it with a hankering so strong. The problem is the price, my relationship, my health and possibly my life. That's not being overdramatic, its just being factual. Nearly all of me screams no, yet some screams yes, perhaps it is just a manifestation of my desire to self destruct. Whatever it is, it is a thought process which is still there.
Apart from that, (and the resulting pain) the weekend was great. I really enjoyed having my friends around again.
I have to run, as I have an exam tomorrow, and I haven't even started with the revision yet...................

April 15th 14:20

I have just signed in for the fist day in a while, I have been struggling with coursework and exam revision and work and family and injuries and training, and trying to balance all of it. Well the work can wait, the injuries can cause as much pain as they want and the exam revision will have to wait as well. I am taking the weekend off. Off of everything, I have two friends coming up from down south, two of my closest friends. It is fair to say that without these two I wouldn't be here now. They have both saved my life in more ways than one on several different occasions.
So, I spent this morning tidying the house, sometimes I can be very selfish moaning about my problems. I have a lot to be thankful for, this house for one, its huge, and I am very lucky to have it. (Not so lucky when I have to clean the fecking thing!!!!) Everything is spotless and put away and I'm quite proud of it all. Judes is away at work till the early hours, so she will be surprised as well.
These friends of mine know more about me, probably than anyone else alive. They will know I spent the day cleaning because they know what I live like LOL. They also know about my depression, infact when I had an episode before it was both of them that helped me through it. The one fact they don't know is the SH. I have just showered and eyed my scars and cuts carefully. I think as long as I wear a t-shirt they will be covered. I could not stand it if they found out about that. They would understand I think, but I would be too embarrassed.
Anyways just a quicky as I have to go pick boy up from school. I will see you all around soon I promise. I just read all the comments people have posted, if I wasn't as hard and blokey as I am I would have cried. (Those that know me, know the truth ;) ) Thanks people. all of you, it means a lot to me.

Hopefully I will catch up with you all soon.

April 11th

I hurt again today, my back hurts, my leg hurts, my brain hurts. I feel like shite today. As I get out of bed and my body slowly becomes alive, I begin to feel the pain wash over me. This is a double edged sword, firstly the pain lets me know I am alive, however, the pain stops me from training, not because it hurts to, but because it is physically impossible to do some of the moves.
I shower, I turn it up as hot as it will go, the water feels like red hot needles being pused into my skin. I relish the feeling of millions of pins piercing my flesh. I feel alive. I look at my body, I run my fingers over the scars, the reminders of what I have done. I pick up the painkillers, my usual daily routine of downing a mixture of codine derevatives and anti inflamatories. I empty the bottle into my hand, I could take them all and end it, that is my choice, my final escape. I look at myself in the mirror again, I cant look at my eyes. I put the pills back into there container, not today. I take double the recomended dose and get ready. I have physiotherapy and college today. Physio is fine, if a little painful. College feels me with dread, I have not been in a month, facing my peers again makes me nervous. I struggle with the idea of not going, but this would just make me fail my end goal. I think about failing it, it does not feel as bad as it used to, infact failing it would just be comfirmation that nothing I ever do is sucesful or important in the big scheme of things.
I drive from physio to college, it takes an hour, to do a 20 min journey, I drive round in circles, not really knowing where I am. I get to college and park up, I sit in the car smoking, I dont want to go in. I turn my music up, it happens to be Enemy by Sevendust, one of my favourites. I close my eyes and slow my heart down, I steel myself and get out of the car, I walk towards college, one step at a time, the short walk seems to take forever, another step, closer still.................
In college people smile and nod. The lecturer smiles and says its great to see me. I find my place and quickly scan the notes for the lecture. Its about education and the inequalities within it, its sad really. Everyone seems to be able to empathise with the poor and have a down on hte middle class system, the same system that propelled me through an accelerated learning experiance and allowed me to attend some of the best schools in the uk. I know it is not me it is aimed at, but it makes me feel alienated and withdrawn.
Lunch comes and goes, and I take more painkillers. My days seem to be filled with taking pills, a pill for this, a pill for that. The afternoon session drags on. We look at Kelly's reperitory grid, my mind slips away. I suddenly 'awake' as people are getting ready to leave, I dont know how long I zoned out for, or where I went.
My back still hurts, and no doubt I'm damaging my physios hard work. I look forward to getting home, to getting to stretch and do some exercise, to being alone, to being quiet and restful. I think about buying a bottle of scotch and heading for oblivion, this feels like a welcome idea. I can almost feel the burn of the liqor on my tongue.
I sit in the car in silence, I think about everything, far too many thoughts running through my mind. I get images flickering across my brain, as if watching a film on a very fast forward. So fast you are never really sure what it is you have seen. I want it to stop. I want it all to stop. I crave for the end, for the peace and the stillness.
I crave for oblivion.

April 10th

Hi folks, this one is gonna be short, just to let you know I am alive, and under a pile of coursework for uni. This week has been numerous ups and downs, with being ill from what is probably a diclofenic overdose, don't worry nothing serious, just a bad couple of days with stomach cramps and not being able to eat.
Also I have started physio for my back problems, what was diagnosed as a muscular problem has now been changed to a trapped nerve through disc movement. So that's me, I will blog more once I have done the uni stuff, and worked out how to pay the physio the £64 per week it is costing me.

This made me smile.

" There is only two things that are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not too sure about the universe"

Albert Einstein.

April 4th

Today is a strange day. Its my first counselling session, I have to admit to a strange mix of excitement and nervousness. Excitement because although I know it is not going to happen, perhaps I will be miraculously cured. Nervous because of several reasons, first, its meeting a stranger and secondly, I know its going to hurt.
I awoke early, full of anticipation, I had a good nights sleep, I only awoke 3 or 4 times and not once in the cold sweats and feelings of impending doom. I wake Judes up, she has to take boy to school. She is not in a good mood, I am not to sure why. I think its probably my fault. Finally she sets off with boy and I have a cigarette and 5 mins to myslef. I consider not going, it is a long drive, we cant afford it and other reasons go through my mind.
Against all these thoughts I get in the car and start driving. I talk myself into going, I keep saying I am going to get better, I am going for Judes and the boy. It is not easy for them coping with me the way I am at the moment. I do not want to lose them, they are everything to me. If Peter was Jesus's rock, then Judes is mine. She is my strength and my reason for living.
I arrive at the counsellors and sit outside smoking, after about 10 minutes a man approachs me. I know it is him, he asks me in and we go into his living room. He talks about himself for 20 minutes or so and explains how the sessions will go. He then invites me to tell him a bit about me, I give him a brief outline of who I am, and where I am at. The session lasts about 80 minutes.
Todays session was not as bad as I thought it would be. I know and he readily aknowledges its gonna get a hell of a lot worse, more painful and more hurtful. I tell him I SH and he doesnt even bat an eyelid, we talk about suicide. Everyone I talk to asks about suicide, I have become blazae about it. Now dont get me wrong, suicide is serious, but I believe most humans think aout suicide at some point in their lives, but thinking and doing are worlds apart. We arrange a time and date for our next session, I like him he seems genuine, not like some people I have spoke to. He says he will be there for me when I go through some issues, and I believe him. I can not say I am looking forward to my next session, but I do feel more relaxed about it.
I join Judes and a friend for coffee, I do not really want to be there and I am withdrawn and quiet. I feel like shouting at everyone.
I want to cut again.
Finally her friend leaves and we chat. She asks about the session, I want to share with her about it, but I can not recall much, this gets me angry and frustrated, not at Judes but at myself. I love Judes, I just wish I could remember more to tell her about the session, and tell her that I love her. Instead I withdraw into myself and come end up coming home. As I write this, my mind churns. I know there is scissors in the house, I think about cutting almost constantly today.
I fight the urge inside me, and finally, after what seems like years Judes arrives home with boy, now I know I am safe, I wont cut with the boy around.

April 3rd

Today has been a strange day, and I am in a strange mood. Took a friendship to another level today with someone, it was good, and I hope the friendship carries on going fom strength to strength.
I havent cut today, although the feelings to do so are still there. I am attending a counselling session tomorrow and in truth I am very nervous.
I will blog more next time.

Be safe, Be well

April 2nd

Today has been a good day. A day all to myself, a me day. I dont have many of them and today wasnt meant to be one of them, but I did anyway. I spoke to some old friends and some new friends. I slept some, took my pills and generally relaxed.
It also gave me a lot of time to think. I am whome I am. Sometimes it feels like i joined an underclass of society, the untouchables. A class of people that 'normal' people do not wish to associate with. They keep themselves in their ivory towers and pull there children away for us, as if it is contagious. I am a Self Harmer (SH). There is more of us out there than you could imagine. A SH is not someone seeking attention or making a bad attempt at suicide, infact quite the opposite, it is, certainly for me, one of the things that stops me committing suicide. It is a release, turns my mental and tortured thoughts into a physical aspect. It allows me to control my rages.
I cut.

April 1st and March 31st.

April 1st

I hurt, the cuts sting, my back hurts, the tops of my legs alternate between shooting pain and numbness. I had a bad night with several bad dreams. The shrillness of the alarm this morning grated and i awoke in a pessimistic mood. I phone the Dr's and it takes 20 mins to get through. I ask to see my Dr, the receptionist says Tuesday. This isn't good. After some discussion we agree on 40 minutes (which is about the time it takes me to get dressed and get there).
I think about what I have got to say to my doctor. I have it all planned. I arrive and book in, hoping I go straight in to see my Dr, I don't, I start to feel anxious sitting in the waiting room, my heart rate increases and I feel uncomfortable, I need to escape. Now I know what I'm having is called a panic attack, I have some understanding of them because 1 a friend has them regularly and 2 My studies into psychology. However, I'm 6'4" and a large bloke, I do kickboxing, I give presentations in front of people and have faced guns and knives. I do NOT suffer from panic attacks, therefore it must have been a mild heart attack or something. Fortunately my Dr sees me at this point and calls me through to her room, jumping the que somewhat and causing some murmus.
I am flustered, I forget what I was gonna tell her, instead I mumble some answers to her questions. She changes my pain drugs and recommends I go and see a private physio, as the wait on the public health service is over 4 months. I agree and make an appointment, its next Tuesday. It costs 25 quid per session, I don't know where the money will come from, somehow I guess I will afford it.
I start thinking about work again, got coursework to be done and handed in on Monday, oh yeah and shelves, I'm still thinking of shelves.

March 30th pm

I am angry, more than I that, I am furious, this is the first time I have ever tried to write stuff whilst being angry, and let me tell you, it aint easy.
I am in a lot of pain, my back is worse today than it has ever been, it just seems to get worse and worse. I want to know why. I want treatment and help, the pain killers don't work. I tried to sort out my physio (NHS), it has been 2 months since I got referred. I phoned the hospital and got transferred till someone told me I wouldn't be treated there i would be treated somewhere else and gave me the telephone number. I tried them, guess what, I would get treated thee either, I get given a third number. I try there and nope no answer. For 3 days now there has been no answer, No answer, No treatment, drugs don't work, No relief, just pain.
I hate being inactive, I hate not training. I have gone from training to compete for the national kickboxing championships, to finding it hard to walk. From whirling, spinning, kicking and dancing, to being in pain sitting, lying, struggling to stand up and walking. My weight is increasing, my appetite increased with the drugs I'm taking. My exercise, well what exercise? I cant even walk up the stairs to the loo without being in excrutiating pain. This all makes me angry. Angry at myself, angry at the world.
I hate myself, I hate everyone, even those I love I hate. This pain and hurt consumes me, sapping my energy and will. I need a release, I need a fight, to get smashed, to black out, to be numb. I cant have any of these, no matter how much I crave them.
I find myself reaching for the scissors,
this will help.

March 30th am

I awake this morning with renewed vigor, I phoned my counselor and set up an appointment. It's Monday, I am scared, nervous, afraid and excited. This counselor was put in touch by a friend. (See pips blog in links section) I do not know what theory this man subscribes too. I look forward to finding out more on Monday. At the same time, I am afraid of what me be discovered.
You see, I am studying for a degree in psychology. I do not subscribe to Freudian or Jungian theories, so it will be interesting to see how this goes. I went to a counselor once, many years ago, before I was studying psychology, At the time I was a crash manager for a well known pub company. I used to fix fix pubs with problems, which normally meant at some point being assaulted or having a knife or a gun thrust at you.
Sounds all Lock, Stock and Two smoking barrel's? Well let me tell you it aint. All those funny one liners or monologues you learn from the films goes straight out the window. Your body takes over, you either freeze, wet yourself or react, and some times all three. I learnt over the time to control my bodies reaction and ending up invariably reacting in a rather aggressive manner. During this time I became a different person, even went by a different name. People would say I was cold and unemotional, in effect, I refused to let myself feel anything.
There was times when this mask slipped, and I would lock myself away and cry for 2 days at a time, amazed at what I had done, and what I was feeling.
Long story short, One day I couldn't step away from the persona I had created. I was trapped unfeeling and unemotional. I saw a counselor, once. We didn't click. I walked away.
I have since changed my whole life. Now I can feel again, those feelings leave me terrified, ashamed, hurt and angry. I so want to return to not feeling and at the same time I am afraid of never feeling again.