June 29th

Hmmmmmmmm, I have had a hell of a decision to make and finally I have made it, the road I have chosen is not well trodden and will be fraught with danger (bit melodramatic I know). Still the decision is made and now I have to see what life has to deal me and mine and take it from there.
How am I? Well, I am ok, no big up or big down just ok, guess the meds are working. The Dr phoned this morning to tell me to up my dosage of pills and although I took some more this morning I am now of the feeling that I may actually want to reduce the meds I am taking. Hmmmm, another hard decision. Still I have some time to think about it so we will see. I am just fed up with this plateau of ok, I want the ups and downs back in my life, well more ups than downs I hope, but I want to feel again.
I am going back to training this week, Friday to be precise. Hopefully my body will hold together long enough to get me fit for November and the national championships, I so want to fight in them even if I don't win (I never settle for second place.........) I have trained to hard and for too long not to do this, it was my aim for a couple of years and now I am finally without injury (well without pain, same thing) I can get back on the road of long runs, hard workouts and lots of sweating... Still enough about me.
GreenBelt is approaching fast, and I am in a slightly better financial position now, so I think I might well get down for one day if not two over the weekend. I just hope I can find Pip and maybe one or two others there to say hi to and thanks. I am special and I am unique, and it is thanks to people like Pip that I realise this now more than ever. There are others of course, many people, but some have gone above and beyond, Basil and Pip especially, thanks guys I love you both.
Right I have to run, I promise to catch up soon with you all.

Hope you are all well.

June 27th

Wow nearly two weeks, finally, PC is up and running again and all nasty viruses and such are now history. How am I? I am ok I think.
A bad night last night, and a sense of foreboding permeates everything. I spent the night in a half dream half awake like state, tossing and turning, awaking in a cold sweat.
Everything today looks plastic again, my mind wonders back to days of yesteryear when things looking plastic meant we had had a night or several nights on the raz. Suddenly I want to get wasted, out of it, just to let life carry on around me whilst I opt out for a few days. I sure would like to, but I wont.
Appointment this morning at the Dr's, more pills, more blood work, more waiting. I look around me at the people waiting in the surgery and ponder on what personal hell has bought them to this sorry place on a Monday morning. Are they as ill as me? Are their problems physical, mental, imagined? I like watching people, I always have, but since starting this psychology degree I find myself watching them more, and trying to work out what they mean and what they are doing. I watch a young man nervously pretending to read a cycling magazine, whilst his eyes are darting all around the waiting room, our eyes meet and he looks down at his magazine again, he fidgets a lot under my gaze, I look away from him to try and lighten his discomfort. My attention falls on to an elderly couple, both with hearing aids, I notice them because they must be 70+ and are still holding hands, which I find sweet, they seem at ease almost like this is there second home. I wonder if the hand holding is a mark of love or a mark of comfort, and if it is who is comforting whom, and what ailment brings them here.
I watch through the window as an old man parks his car and struggles to get out, he walks badly, bent forward at the waist, arms hanging, he looks like an extra out of Shaun of the Dead. I wonder if this is what life has to offer me as I get older. The arrogance of youth screams no in my head, I would rather kill myself. This is a common theme for me, I don't want to be old or infirm.
I get called through early and have my bloods done, and then I go straight in to see my Dr. My surgery is very well organised. Two thoughts go through my head, 1 This must be like winning the lottery and 2. I must be dyeing if this is that important. The truth is neither it is just a well run surgery.
Doc and I chat about how I am doing, and how the medication is affecting me, we talk about what direction I am heading in with uni and life in general, she asks how I got on with the trick cyclist (psychiatrist) and if the meds have calmed me down. She says she will call me next week and talk some more on the phone about my med dosage once the blood work is back, she hands me my prescriptions and off I go.

All in all not a bad morning really. Still feel like poo and the rage is lurking today, I can feel it in the background, I think I will stay indoors today and try to keep out of peoples way, might be safer for everyone concerned.........

June 15th

On a borrowed hard drive at the moment, my new ones arrive tomorrow :) wahooooooo.

I am ok I think, well OK as I can be, things in life are slow but moving. Certain parts of the jigsaw are falling into place. Money is as always, just enough to see us through (with a little help from our plastic friends).

A couple of big things, one I have decided to help out a complete stranger who is going bankrupt with his business, sorting out advertising and helping him decorate the shop etc...... (Mainly because he makes the best pizza's and kobide and rice in the whole known universe. Any one ever dareing to visit Glossop or the surrounding area should definately give him a bell on 01457 85 85 88)
The second big thing is I have had it confirmed that I have passed this year at uni, which is cool. Only 3 more to go :)

Thats my life in a nutshell lol.

14th June

As I stand and stare,
at a rose whose petals are as red as blood,
the intricate rose whose flower looks like a face,
the image shifts,
the rose is a mangled and tortured soul,
the blood red petals melt and dissolve,
they now run as blood,
it moves,
it has life,
the blood drips,
I recognise it,
it is my reflection looking at me,
as I stand and stare.

June 9th

Hiya folks, may be a while till im back online as I have blown my computer up!!!!! Well I didnt, a nasty virus did, so dont open any emails from me. Need a new hd and need to reinstal everything, but should be back within a week if not sooner.

Hope you are all well.

June 6th

The ticking of the second hand sounds loud,
too loud,
it drowns out the noise of the everyday,
the passing of time,
some people stare at me,
some try and talk to me,
I see their mouths move,
all I hear is the ticking.

The second hand sweeps round the clock,
more faces appear,
everything blurs as I try to focus on what they say,
all I hear is the ticking,
tick tick tick.

Seconds become minutes,
minutes become hours and then days,
people come and people go,
some try to help, some try to talk,
all I hear is the ticking.

I try to run,
I am not sure from what,
the people, the ticking?
It all blurs into one,
there are no borders between real and make believe,
I run hard and fast,
everything changes, the people, the mouths moving,
but still I hear the ticking.



I have the feeling recently that life is passing me by and all I am doing is sitting here, clicking away on blogs or sites. The work has slowed up some and money is becoming tighter, but still I sit and click. I've had a busy week or so, doing some customer service appraisals and generally being out and about watching some bands and playing over the park with boy, went to a BBQ (and the food was edible!!!!) The strange thing is everything seems plastic, well looks plastic, I don't know how to explain it really. I have experienced this before, but only on acid come downs, those that have tried it will know all to well the amazing way that everything looks plastic. So my life is full of plastic things at the moment, plastic cars, plastic tress and even plastic people. (Damn mentioning plastic makes me think of my unfinished novel, I really must do some work on that.)
Yesterday me and Judes went out with my college class for a meal. It was ok and the some of the lecturers came along as well. For two and a half hours I was my 'old self' as Judes put it. Holding conversations, smiling, laughing and generally enjoying life. What no one understands is the toll this front takes on me, on returning home I was exhausted, fighting to keep my eyes open and back to my normal mono-syllable means of communication. I can see this hurts Judes as she thinks it is because of her, no matter what I say. I hate my life at the moment, I hate being broke, I hate being in pain and I hate hurting the ones I care about. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me.
I have not cut recently, but today I feel like it. I guess the new tablets are not doing me any more good than the old ones if I still feel low and feel like cutting. Still it is early days and I have to give them a chance.

I hope you are all well.