June 6th
The ticking of the second hand sounds loud,
too loud,
it drowns out the noise of the everyday,
the passing of time,
some people stare at me,
some try and talk to me,
I see their mouths move,
all I hear is the ticking.
The second hand sweeps round the clock,
more faces appear,
everything blurs as I try to focus on what they say,
all I hear is the ticking,
tick tick tick.
Seconds become minutes,
minutes become hours and then days,
people come and people go,
some try to help, some try to talk,
all I hear is the ticking.
I try to run,
I am not sure from what,
the people, the ticking?
It all blurs into one,
there are no borders between real and make believe,
I run hard and fast,
everything changes, the people, the mouths moving,
but still I hear the ticking.
I have the feeling recently that life is passing me by and all I am doing is sitting here, clicking away on blogs or sites. The work has slowed up some and money is becoming tighter, but still I sit and click. I've had a busy week or so, doing some customer service appraisals and generally being out and about watching some bands and playing over the park with boy, went to a BBQ (and the food was edible!!!!) The strange thing is everything seems plastic, well looks plastic, I don't know how to explain it really. I have experienced this before, but only on acid come downs, those that have tried it will know all to well the amazing way that everything looks plastic. So my life is full of plastic things at the moment, plastic cars, plastic tress and even plastic people. (Damn mentioning plastic makes me think of my unfinished novel, I really must do some work on that.)
Yesterday me and Judes went out with my college class for a meal. It was ok and the some of the lecturers came along as well. For two and a half hours I was my 'old self' as Judes put it. Holding conversations, smiling, laughing and generally enjoying life. What no one understands is the toll this front takes on me, on returning home I was exhausted, fighting to keep my eyes open and back to my normal mono-syllable means of communication. I can see this hurts Judes as she thinks it is because of her, no matter what I say. I hate my life at the moment, I hate being broke, I hate being in pain and I hate hurting the ones I care about. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me.
I have not cut recently, but today I feel like it. I guess the new tablets are not doing me any more good than the old ones if I still feel low and feel like cutting. Still it is early days and I have to give them a chance.
I hope you are all well.
too loud,
it drowns out the noise of the everyday,
the passing of time,
some people stare at me,
some try and talk to me,
I see their mouths move,
all I hear is the ticking.
The second hand sweeps round the clock,
more faces appear,
everything blurs as I try to focus on what they say,
all I hear is the ticking,
tick tick tick.
Seconds become minutes,
minutes become hours and then days,
people come and people go,
some try to help, some try to talk,
all I hear is the ticking.
I try to run,
I am not sure from what,
the people, the ticking?
It all blurs into one,
there are no borders between real and make believe,
I run hard and fast,
everything changes, the people, the mouths moving,
but still I hear the ticking.
I have the feeling recently that life is passing me by and all I am doing is sitting here, clicking away on blogs or sites. The work has slowed up some and money is becoming tighter, but still I sit and click. I've had a busy week or so, doing some customer service appraisals and generally being out and about watching some bands and playing over the park with boy, went to a BBQ (and the food was edible!!!!) The strange thing is everything seems plastic, well looks plastic, I don't know how to explain it really. I have experienced this before, but only on acid come downs, those that have tried it will know all to well the amazing way that everything looks plastic. So my life is full of plastic things at the moment, plastic cars, plastic tress and even plastic people. (Damn mentioning plastic makes me think of my unfinished novel, I really must do some work on that.)
Yesterday me and Judes went out with my college class for a meal. It was ok and the some of the lecturers came along as well. For two and a half hours I was my 'old self' as Judes put it. Holding conversations, smiling, laughing and generally enjoying life. What no one understands is the toll this front takes on me, on returning home I was exhausted, fighting to keep my eyes open and back to my normal mono-syllable means of communication. I can see this hurts Judes as she thinks it is because of her, no matter what I say. I hate my life at the moment, I hate being broke, I hate being in pain and I hate hurting the ones I care about. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me.
I have not cut recently, but today I feel like it. I guess the new tablets are not doing me any more good than the old ones if I still feel low and feel like cutting. Still it is early days and I have to give them a chance.
I hope you are all well.
posted by GreenCastle at 11:16
4 Comments:
My dear friend,
It is nice to see you back online. I do hope you and your family are well.....
The tablets are not going to make you stop cutting, you cut because it seems to be the only outlet you have. I know you hurt right now, and your world is not moving in the direction you wish it would be, but you must remember that your actions and feelings are yours, you are not purposely coping the way you are to hurt or disenchant judes, and she herself, must understand that. I would hope she could step outside herself and see that the way you act with co educators, is a mask, a shield to hide the true you.. it is your coping skill to pull yourself through a public meeting with others.... and when you return home, the shield drops and exhaustian hits... i understand that... but also understand the frustration of the "different" faces and actions you have, and how the "happy, functional" one is not present when she wishes it could be... but jim.... you need to both educate each other.. you both need to make strives to better your individual issues, so you can work togeather at helping each other... but it seems that you both are in your own little bubble, and living seperate existance.
please take care, be well... and hope to hear from you soon.
thinking of you - your blog makes so much sense, does Judes read it? it is so enhausting living with what I call, for me, different heads - the one i use at work, the one for friends, the one that masks the horrors and the one tht lives the horrors (among others) It's physically and emotionally exhausting, and confusing, but it's ok. it's a way of coping and a way of getting through, and at some point the heads may begin to blur and you may realise that those different parts of you can actually feel safe enough to coexist. try take care of yourself, in what ever way works for you....
Hun I have said all and more before remember what you have told me in the past, soz if you have been looking at my blog recently I aint been too active, hope too chat too you soon hun tc ellers xx
Your site is on top of my favourites - Great work I like it.
»
Post a Comment
<< Home