May 11th
Still here, still breathing, still fighting, still alive.
How do I feel? I get asked this question lots, or questions along those lines, like how are you? etc etc. I always say I am ok and smile. Infact its such an automatic response now I no longer think about it. The truth of the matter is probably far darker and far scarier, well for me it is anyhow.
The truth is, I dont feel, I dont feel warm or cold, happy or sad, even pain has become a dull ache rather than pain. Whilst it has some benefits it has a rather cruel and exacting price, the benefits are obvious, I dont feel pain, well not like it used to be. The cruel and exacting price is I dont feel happy, I dont feel love, I dont feel, I just exist. My life is washed in colours of grey, even the most vivid of colours appear dull and lacklustre.
The only thing that is real to me now, is the call of the cold hard blade of the razor, I know no matter how far I go or how 'numb' I become I can penetrate it with the blade. Nothing is like the feeling of commiting the incision, watching the skin give up its very life. The blood running deep and crimson, the feel of it on my skin, suddenly so alive it could almost be acid running over it rather than blood. Then I feel. For those brief few moments the world snaps back into reality, light becomes brighter and sound becomes louder. Feeling returns for a time. These reprieves of numbness are great, but they dont last as long as they used to and I now am fighting with the need to cut more often and deeper.
The call of the blade is a cruel mistress, demanding more and more, but it is a call I answer all to freely these days.....
How do I feel? I get asked this question lots, or questions along those lines, like how are you? etc etc. I always say I am ok and smile. Infact its such an automatic response now I no longer think about it. The truth of the matter is probably far darker and far scarier, well for me it is anyhow.
The truth is, I dont feel, I dont feel warm or cold, happy or sad, even pain has become a dull ache rather than pain. Whilst it has some benefits it has a rather cruel and exacting price, the benefits are obvious, I dont feel pain, well not like it used to be. The cruel and exacting price is I dont feel happy, I dont feel love, I dont feel, I just exist. My life is washed in colours of grey, even the most vivid of colours appear dull and lacklustre.
The only thing that is real to me now, is the call of the cold hard blade of the razor, I know no matter how far I go or how 'numb' I become I can penetrate it with the blade. Nothing is like the feeling of commiting the incision, watching the skin give up its very life. The blood running deep and crimson, the feel of it on my skin, suddenly so alive it could almost be acid running over it rather than blood. Then I feel. For those brief few moments the world snaps back into reality, light becomes brighter and sound becomes louder. Feeling returns for a time. These reprieves of numbness are great, but they dont last as long as they used to and I now am fighting with the need to cut more often and deeper.
The call of the blade is a cruel mistress, demanding more and more, but it is a call I answer all to freely these days.....
posted by GreenCastle at 14:51
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