Tuesday, September 29, 2009

And here we go again.....

Ok long story short... I was an idiot, caused untold pain to a few individuals who to be fair didnt deserve it. Upshot was, Monday I went to work had a breakdown ended up at Dr's. Dr spent 20 minutes talking to me then went out to make a call, next thing I am at hospital.. Psychiatric people came to see me, briefly, sent me home (told me not to be on my own... thats ironic) and told to come back Wednesday morning at 10am for psych assessment... like I have never been through one of those before...

Im not harming, or suicidal, tho if I said I hadnt thought of either I would be lieing. The general consensus of opinion is that I have had another 'episode' and that I will be fine... well I am not fine, I am fed up with living my life the way I do so I have started looking for answers...

One of the things a lot of people (both professionals and friends) have mentioned is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Having now read through countless sites and information about it, I think they are probably right...

So guess, what? Here starts yet another journey....

Oh and by the way the mental health care in Stockport PCT still sucks lol.

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

Dieing alone

Can't you see me falling an endless fall?
Can't you hear me calling a neverending call?
Can't you see me bleeding? I'm losing control

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Sunday night... and all is not well

Having spent my life on ups and downs...I know the warning signs... tonight a massive one went off like a flashbulb in front of my face... in fact they have been going off subtly for over a month... but tonight's was a biggy...

It stems from a friend.. I allowed myself to get hurt once again... its not her fault and its not mine.. but hurt all the same.. I knew it was coming.. yet I still had to make sure that door was slammed on my face... so here I am in pain... once again... the world spiralling once again.... the darkness swallowing my life...

OK lets be rational its not just because of said friend... its just that's the freshest and most painful for now... there has lots of things been going on, divorce, work, accommodation etc... I allowed something to distract me and to help me through it... especially with the op and my health as it is... I should have known better... because when it went wrong, I had done it again and put all my eggs in one basket as far as coping mechanisms go.... and whoosh......... there they went...

Smiles, for once it doesn't scare me.... and that is what scares me... I am not frightened.... just accepting....

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Slipping....

Having some bad times....

Im slipping.......

but I will be strong.....

Going to hospital tomorrow... see you all soon...

Friday, October 03, 2008

October 3rd 2008

hello, just stopping by to let people know I am OK... I am still posting on my other blog www.dietplate.blogspot.com so check it out there....

There is only three rules to life....

Paradox- Life is a mystery, don't waste time trying to work it out.

Humour- Keep your sense of humour, especially about yourself, it will give you strength beyond measure.

Change- Everything in life changes.

(Dan Millman, Way of the Peaceful Warrior)

Stay safe people

Monday, March 24, 2008

Mothers Birthday

Hi Folks, How are you all? Am I talking to myself these days? I feel like it to be honest..... Well today is my mothers birthday, and to be fair I wanted to be with her. However life had other ideas, she missed my birthday because my Grandfather was ill, they had driven 300 miloes to come spend it with me then had to go back, it was a crushing blow for all of us, it sounds stupid I know but its the little things that I have a hard time coping with.
So this weekend was a double whammy, depressed, there is a term I havent used for a while, yet I am. If I dont shake this off by the weekend I will go see the Dr and see what happens. I think a brief moment on the pills may be worthwhile, just to help me through this.....
The good news is I am not self harming...... tho because of a small op on my eyes I havent trained in 10 days, so maybe that is it??? Perhaps when I start training next week everything will fall back into place, perhaps not....... Time will tell.........
Anyhow, apart from the depression I am well, the op on the eyes went well and I can now see without glasses!!!! So that is good....... Means I can fight better :-) Recovery is going ok have a follow up apointment on Wednesday.....

Anyhow, I have to dash, check out my other blog :)

Stay safe

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

8th January 2008

New Year New Goals, Hi folks, it has been a long time, I am doing ok. Please keep the comments coming, it means a lot to me, also please check out my new blog, http://dietplate.blogspot.com/ My life has changed so much, and has taken me in new ways. I will still update this blog at least once a month (ok thats a promise) but will mainly be using the other blog.

I hope this finds all of you well in cyber space.

Be Well

Thursday, September 06, 2007

6th September 2007

Ok here goes, in July I was told I had 30 months to live. Got your attention yet? lol. Well it was true, it was a very dark time in my life, well for about 20 nano seconds. Then I decided death is just a change, bit more drastic than puberty, but still a change non the less. Then the hospital tests and treatments started. The long and the short of it, they dont know what is going on. They stopped me eating food. That was hard. Since then I have lost 10 stone and 14" off my waist, very cool huh? Im now even more gorgeous than I was before.
Today I got good news, my liver and kidneys have stopped deteriorating!! Im not dieing anymore, wahooo. Then they said however, you know how that hangs in the air for a second, but seems like an eternity? Your platlet count is very low... you need to see a specialist. Oh and dont cut yourself, you wont clot. Nice huh?
So here I am, writing this again, to be fair, I have cried lots, I dont know what else they can throw at me, or what more I can physically, emotionally and mentally cope with. Still, im not dieing....unless I cut myself badly...
Anyhow thats health issues delt with...
Life issues... The house is on the market, Im fighting bankrupcy and I am presently going through a divorce. Needless to say I am not sleeping and my stress levels are higher than everest....
All that being said, Im surprisingly well...
Anyhow, just want to see who reads this these days. I will keep it up to date now, I dont have a lot else to do.
Be Well all of you in cyberland.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

June 13th 2007

Hmm, I have been avoiding this site for a while now. Life is ok, its a struggle but its ok. So much has happend lol, now theres a surprise in a year.

Anyhow, I promise that I will be back within a week to put something of value on the site.

I hope you are all well.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

August 10th

Wow, I is still here, loads going on, too much to mention here at mo. I will be back soon, within the next few days to write a full post. Just wanted to let you know I was ok and life is cool.

Hope you are all well in cyber space

Saturday, June 17, 2006

June 17th

Wow, too long since I posted, need to get back into the habbit. Still I also need God to make the day about 10 hours longer at mo as well, so dont think either likely to happen in the near future.
Things still going well, although sometimes I find it difficult to find time to breathe. Still It gives me something else to think about I suppose. I am tired, drained and stressed, still life would be boring if it was easy I guess. Tho sometimes I wish it was easier than it is at present.
Anyway it is only a flying visit, I urge you to check out Pip Wilsoms blog and Luv is blog as well, (links on the right, over there>>>>>>>) both a good read.
Hope you are all well.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

May 30th

Wow, two weeks huh? Well it does not seem it. Lets see in those two weeks I have been very busy. Have celebreated our 3 year anniversary, bought a house and bought our second shop!!!!!!! So things have been a bit hectic. Hopefully the shop will be open in 5 or 6 weeks and we should be in the house within a month as well!!
Have sold my computer and have just thrown this one together to get online.

How am I? I am ok I guess. I am excited and yet frightend, it is a huge loan we have taken and although affordable it will not leave a huge margin for error. So if all goes well things will be ok, if they dont I will need a place to sleep lol.

GreenBelt is coming up fast now, and I am trying to sort things out tog et there, but wuth disapearing off to the states for a month on 1st September I dont know how practical it will be to get to GB as well.

Still life is cool, if a lil bit scary.

Hope you are all well.

Oh and I got flurescent pink nails this week, with Omega symbols on them. Looks cool lol

Monday, May 15, 2006

15th May

Song lyrics to one of my fav songs at mo, yes I know it went number one in the charts, but we should not hold that against it.

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had an echoIn so much space
And when you're out thereWithout care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too muchDoes that make me crazy

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably
And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Just speaks to me, dont know why.

I am ok, I think.

Be Well all.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

13th May

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING BLOGGERS!!!

How are we all today? I am in an interesting mood, relaxed, yet excited (I know contradictoin, but is how I feel). Work is interesting at mo, have a couple of problems with pc systems which are new, and spreading fast, so gives me something to focus on. I am relaxed because for once I do not feel stressed out, a kind of acceptance of situations at the moment have settled on me. Its not that I dont care I do, but whatever will be, wlll be. I can still work on the situations and not get stressed out by them.
Excited because in just a few hours my team will kick off in the FA cup final, takeing an early day from work and have some friends and clients coming round to watch the match. Come on West Ham!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I am in a good place today. Well until WHU lose anyway lol.

A couple of things, firstly check out Pip Wilsons Blog, the link is over there>>>>>>>>>>>
Its a good read.

Secondly, if you have an emachine 210, please can you let me know if you have had any problems with power supply/motherboard, as there seems to be an amazing amount of them this month that have blown power supplys and popped motherboards as a result.

Thirdly, Be Well.

Friday, May 12, 2006

May 12th

Well, it is 9:02 in the morning and although I have sat here for 30 mins I have done no work. You know what? I don't care today either LOL. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. My son has a hospital appointment (nothing too serious), I have just sent an email to an old friend discussing the merits of men admitting they love each other and have spent 20 mins reading other peoples blogs.

Life could be very much worse.

I could live in a world where a megalomaniac ruled through terror and the threat of force, where we polluted our world to such a degree that the only way to fix it would be for mother nature to claim the world back and destroy the human race, or where the rich oppressed the poor. Thankfully tho we have America and George Bush to save us.........................

(A brief note for the 47% that voted for him, that's sarcasm)

Right, well, how am I? I am good.

And I am not mentioning anything about 11 year olds getting pregnant, I will save that one for tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

May 9th

Still stressed, infact now more than ever. Sheeeeeeeesh. Stopped smoking 24 hours ago, or maybe it is now more like 29. It has been fun. Judes stopped too, today we have spent most of it snapping at each other. I have been impossible to live with, my rage bubbles away beneath the surface like a hungry ogre ready to pounce, I have not felt like this in a long while now. It is not just the smoking, yes it aint easy giving up, but it has to be much more than that.
I want to cut, I want to hurt others as well, I want to pound people into the ground. Make them realise what pain is, what suffering could feel like. I want to do all this, but I wont. Well I may cut, I may bleed. I wont hurt others, not because I cant, or because I am afraid to, but because there is no need to. Others know what suffering is like, its just at the moment thats how I feel.

Monday, May 08, 2006

May 8th

Hello all, sorry been a while. Stress levels are high at the moment, can feel myself slipping. Business is struggeling, and looks like it is going down. Still challenges are what life is about. Takes up a lot fo my time. Possibility we might lose our holiday and deposits, wonderful. On a happier note, was Judes birthday this week, it was a wonderful couple of days, enjoying good company and good food. Judes enjoyed it, which is all that matters. (I enjoyed it too).
Looking forward to the FA cup final, my team will probably not win, but I have hope. UP the Hammers!!!!!.

Will be back soon

Hope all is well in cyber land

Friday, April 28, 2006

April 27th

The Blade glints in the light, the cold hard steel edge bites into my flesh.
The pain and frustrations of the day pass away, the sink turns red.
The Crimson is stark against the white, the tension drains away with the blood.
The cut is deep, the release is oh so sweet.
The scream shatters the silence, the dream we once shared shattered.
The pain is plain on her face, not again can she go through this.
The blades cut is a deeper wound than ever, cutting through both flesh and sanity.
Severing the last strands of my reality, peace is found in oblivion.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

April 23rd St Georges day

The game's afoot: Follow your spirit, and upon this charge Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

How is everyone?

Today has been a good day for me, firstly my man won the Grand Prix, secondly my team won there semi final and WHU is now going to erm cardiff to face the reds in the final of the FA cup. More important than this, we have a place in Europe next year. Still A good day, and on St Georges day too!!

There was a sad note today tho, my boy smashed his radio control plane :( It is only 3 days old but he destroyed the wing and fusealage and a propellor as well. Dont think landing sideways is a good idea. Still could be worse.

So today is short and sweet, a good day and I dont want to get into introspection tooooooo much because I am happy.

Take care.

Friday, April 21, 2006

April 22nd

Right here we go again, you will have to put up with me ranting. Here we sit the day before (ok so actually 2 days before technically but you know what I mean as it is now night time) St Georges day, you remember that. It is the day of our patron saint. The date is the 23rd April. I am very patriotic, you cut me in half it says made in England. Tomorrow at work I will be suited and booted with My English flag tie on and my St George pin badge and my painted nails. Yes all of my nails are painted white with the red cross. So you get the idea. I had my nails painted a day ago as I can not get to the salon tomorrow to have it done. The amount of people that have asked me if I have a) had it done for the footie, or b) had it done because David Beckham paints is is unbelievable. Its even more unbelievable when I say no I had it done because it is St Georges day and people say oh is that soon? We celebrate St Patrick day and St Davids day more than we do St Georges. Even St Andrews day gets more hype leading up to it. So I want to go on record here and now, I am English, I will celebrate my patron Saints day. I am proud to be English. Our nation does more than any other for people of other cultures and beliefs and I am proud of this too.
What angers me is when people accuse me of being racist because I am proud to wear the St George and proud to say I am English.
Right Rant over, sorry :)

How am I? Well apart from being stressed over the business and majorly pissed off because I have been accused of being racist at least once today if not twice I am ok I guess. Yes I am depressed and yes I am angry, but the depression is not too bad and the anger is controllable at the moment. I am looking forward to Sunday and the local celebrations of St Georges day, we will go and watch the uniform organisations (scouts etc) with there parade and may even venture into Thameside and watch the jousting. This will be cool.

Hope you are all well

Monday, April 17, 2006

April 17th

So, how are we all? I trust people had a good Easter. Mine was pants I worked Good Friday and then the Saturday, spent Sunday cleaning the house (which did give me a sense of satisfaction) and now working on the Monday as well. Still someone has to. It would not have been so bad if Judes had not been working nights all over the weekend as well. It feels like I have hardly seen her. This morning she asked me not to come in and to stay home with her, it was hard tearing myself away. I love her soooooooo much and could think of nothing better than staying curled up in bed with her. However, I do have to work and as my Partner is off with flu I can’t even get him to cover. Still hopefully back to some semblance of normality this week, whatever that may be.

So Easter, I watched the Manchester Passion on TV, it was good to see the arrangements that were used. It reminded me of a time when I used to go to Easter vigils at Chelmsford cathedral. It was always a great service and a lot of fun. Part of me wanted to just jump in the car and go, but unfortunately Judes was at work and I had my son too look after, and I don’t even know if they still do them, I have a strange feeling health and safety would have probably stuck there noses in and stopped youngsters staying awake all night and doing tight rope walking, God knows why, always seemed like a good idea to me.

So the passion, it was great to see the end with Jesus on top of the town hall after his resurrection, in today’s PC bureaucracy of not being able to show you are English and Christian it made me smile inwardly. The show was great, only complaint was the interviewer following the cross, I think it seemed very contrived, almost songs of praise organised, where the people had obviously been primed on what to say etc. Ok its live TV and they have to be careful, but just stopping people and asking them would have produced much better results. Hats off to the Scottish Punk though, I think he is right Jesus would be in a Mosh pit and hanging around with the punks.

So how am I? Well I am alive but I am tired, very tired. I am not sleeping at all well and I am having nightmares again, all sorts, none particularly pleasant. Is not nice when you would rather be awake than asleep, no matter how tired you get. Still it could be worse. I have thought about the blades and cutting a lot this last month, but I have not and I am determined not too. In fact, thinking about it gives me a sense of control and encouragement as I have not cut in a long time. I am seriously considering seeing my Dr this week for a check up as I am feeling so below par at the moment.

I guess I am still searching for something to belong too, something to accept me and welcome me. Something where I can contribute, I can make a difference and feel valued for that contribution. I guess in a lot of ways I am looking for a church, yet I still do not have the courage to walk through the front doors and say hi, here I am. Sounds strange me admitting to not having enough courage, the doorman, the fighter, the martial artist, the typical hard man image, and yet I can not walk into a church. My counsellor once told me that all I had to do was accept that Jesus died for ME, for the forgiveness of MY sins personally, yes and everyone else’s of course, but also for mine. This does not seem fair, he was good and I have been bad, very bad. Yet I am alive and he is dead, because of what I have done? Hmmmmmmmmmm this I need to think on some more about I think.

Anyways, enough introspection for one morning.
Hope you are all well in cyber land.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

April 9th

How is everyone? it has gone very quiet in my comments (HINT). I am ok, still struggeling through. Very tired at the moment, infact almost exhausted i guess. I am not sleeping well again. I am down as well at the moment. The two seem to go hand in hand.I am stopping smoking on the 14th of this month as well. No paticuar reason other than I want to, so that should be a fun time.
In all fairness I have stopped before for a couple of years and that was not hard to do. If I make my mind up I just stop. No withdrawl, no nothing. Now caffeine, thats a different story. When I drop my caffeine levels I get headaches and nausea, pleasent huh?
So hows life? it is ok. I am working hard, too hard and the business is surviving, but not paying much of a wage. It is only half way through its second year, but if it has not made much of an improvement in the next 6 months i think we will have to wind it down somewhat. It is a shame, I do enjoy working for myself, however I do not find it as satisfying as before, and I still get this nagging feeling that I want to be helping others rather than fixing pc's.
So there you go, not very deep or forth coming but I am at a loss as to what to say.

Hope you are all well.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

April 2nd

Hi just a quick note to let people know I am ok. I will do a proper entry at some point this week. I am feeling down and struggling with some demons, but I am still in one piece.

Hope you are all well

Thursday, March 16, 2006

March 16th

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, my wrist hurts. I do not know what is wrong with it, I do know it hurts to lift it, move it, twist it and type. So please forgive me if this is brief. I am still at work, and still trying to find something to do to keep me busy. I have had a bad week this week. I just can not seem to find the get up and go to keep the business runnig smoothly. My partner works hard and keeps the books in order, but he himself has not been well and between us we seem to have dropped the ball this week. Still could be worse I suppose.
Father in laws house has been sorted through and should be cleared by next week. Judes has been amazing, working and doing the house and trying to keep me and our son and house in order all at once. She is amazing. I have started working on our house and trying to get things in order and sorted, I think we are gonna have a massive spring clean/redecorate experiance. I am looking forward to it and yet not looking forward to it. Still it will be nice once finished.
Have to go to Essex next weekend for my mums birthday, she is 50. I still have no idea what to get her, think i will go to bodyshop and have a look around.
I am feeling down at the moment, and sleep is fitfull at best, but I have been worse. I am considering going back onto AD's but I am not sure yet. I have that usual male complex of not admitting when things have gone to far, but even taking that into consideration I dont think the time is right to go back onto tablets.

right i got to go, the wrist is killing me, hope all is well in cyber land

Thursday, March 09, 2006

March 9th------------My Birthday

Ok I am beginning to hate blog world, yet again I have spent a while writing a piece for my blog, being honest and truthful, and yet again it has failed to publish and wipe out my work. In future I am going to compose this in word and then copy and paste across.
Well today is my birthday, I am 29. I am sat at work listening to KT Tunstal, a mellow vibe and quite relaxing. I have to go to a meeting tonight and I have work all day. So Judes and I went out yesterday to celebrate my birthday. It was a good day and a welcome break from the whirlwind that is our lives. We both needed some time out I think and the relaxing and enjoyable day gave us both a nice break.
Judes took me a cafe we used to visit when I first moved up here, then onto LUSH a lovely parlour in Romiley. Judes had a manicure and I had a facial, manicure and pedicure. I love being pampered and enjoyed the time spent there immensely. The staff are great as well. We then went onto Affleck’s palace in Manchester and had a wander around the shops. I like Affleck’s palace lots of people who are not scarred to be themselves and look and say what they feel. After that we went on to the Lowry and the outlet village, there is a virgin xs there and I stocked up on some new cd's.
I am still struggling with lots of things in my life, but yesterday they did not encroach on my time. I had a great day with a great woman. A moment of clarity I suppose you could call it. A sudden understanding of what life is supposed to be about and how lucky I am. It was great.
Judes is still doing well, we all miss her dad. Judes must miss him most and I can only listen to her as she talks about him. I can not understand what her loss must feel like. I wish I could shoulder all her problems and let her live car free, but unfortunately life does not work like that. So I listen and hold her when I can and tell her how much I care, and I hope this is enough to help her, however woefully inadequate I feel doing it.
I have to go to Essex over the next couple of weeks, a return to my home I suppose. It no longer feels like home now though and every time I return I am hit by a great sadness. I do miss it though when I am not there, confusing huh?
Anyhow I must get on with some work, I hope you are all well in cyber land.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

February 23rd

Well, what a week. The funeral went well, and was well attended. Even the weather was not that bad. I cried all the way through it, I tried not too, but the tears would not stop flowing. Wednesday we went to Chester zoo with my son, he wanted to adopt a bat in memory of his Grandad, so we did. He is great my son, he says the Zoo is his favourite place after home and he will miss going there with his Grandad.
All Judes family have gone now, and life is returning to normal, well kinda. Judes has been great through all this, I am worried about her, she has not really started grieving. Instead she has been everybodies pillar of strength, which is amazing when you consider it weas her dad, and it was her that had to deal with looking after him for so long. There is going to be a huge gap in all our lives.
Her fathers ashes are going to be spread in Guernsey, where he came from. So we have decided to get married in Guernsey when we go to spread his ashes, hopefuly at the vale churh where her mum is as well. That way all her family can be there, her Dad would have liked that.
So, How am I? I am alive, and I am strong. Life is kicking us hard at the moment, but we will survive. I have a kind and loving family surrounding me and because of this I will survive. Yes, it has been hard, and yes I have had to deal with some memories I would rather have not had to face, but Judes has helped me through them.

Hope all is well in Cyber Space

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

15th February

It is with a sad heart that I write this blog. On the 13th at 3:20pm, my father-in-law, a truly great man passed away. It was not unexpectead, and in some ways it was a relief, he was surrounded by family and friends and passed quietly.
He fought in the war, he was a police officer for years, he had a family, had a loving wife who passed a few years ago, was a christian but most of all was my friend, a man I respected and admired, we did not always share the same views on who should win at rugby or what was the best way to do things, but we could always talk about our differences and discuss frankly the world and everything in it.
Judes has lost a father, and I feel for her I really do. She loved him and as she would say it feels like her heart has been torn out and ripped to shreds. I do everything I can to help, be there for her, listen to her, comfort and support her, but in my more selfish moments I think, what about me, ok he was not my father, but he was my friend. I have suffered a loss too, a big loss, my heart aches too. I want him back as well.
Still he is at peace now, and is no longer in any pain, I truly believe that. I need to believe that I think. Anyway the funeral is next tuesday at 10:30am, I do not know if I will get a chance to write anything else this week, the keyboard got wet enough writing this bit.

Hope all is well in cyber land

Monday, February 06, 2006

6th February

What defines your life? Think about that for a minute, what makes you, you? I have been thinking about this a lot. I have spent my life trying to define myself with objects. I have everything a person needs. I have original artworks in every room, I have a chesterfield 3 piece suite in the TV room, I also have a large flat screen TV with surround sound, a super fast PC, another 3 piece suite and matching futon bed in the reading room, a pearl export 25 anniversary drum kit, two sound systems, PS2, 3cars, a bespoke kitchen, a library, master suite with ensuite wet room etc etc etc. The list could go on and on and on. The strangest thing is none of them are me. They don’t define me, they are all equally part of me, but none of them are me.
They reflect who I am, or at east I would hope they do, many an hour has been spent choosing the right artworks, or the right TV etc. But they show a part of me that I want people to see, almost like an actor on stage. Each piece tunes his performance towards perfection, like essential props on the grand stage of life.
So what makes me, me? Is it my ability to love another? Is it my quick thinking highly advanced brain? Is it my soul or sub conscious? Again the answer is no. Not one of thee things defines who I am. Sure they all make up me and without one I would be a different person, but none of them are me. In short, I have come to a stumbling block; I don’t know who I am. I am many things to many people, I am a father, a lover, a carer, a friend and confidant and an enemy.
The question is who am I to me? Am I the Master, the father or the carer? In truth I am none of these, they are just roles I adopt for different people. I would like to believe I am the warrior that I strive to be so badly, but in truth, that is just another role I play.

I believe that if I can truly find out who I am, then I will truly find peace. I seek that knowledge now more today than ever in my life.

As I sit so still and quiet and the dragons watch over me from their perches on shelves and windows, I realise that at the moment, what I truly am, is afraid, scared, lonely, desperate, isolated and evil.
I say evil because that is what occupies my thoughts and soul at the moment. It is, as if, my whole world is black and my blackness spreads over into other peoples worlds. I cast a shadow onto them by contact alone. I have seen wise men crack and strong men fall, I have enjoyed there demise in a truly selfish way. I suppose what scares me now is that this time, it is me cracking and falling.

I leave you now with this question;

Who are you?

More importantly, who am I?

Monday, January 16, 2006

Monday 16th

Has been a hard weekend, quints father is not well, they are upping his pain control today, on top of all that quint has stomach bug/food poisoning type thing, which has left her toilet/bed ridden. even water wont stay down, if she is no better today i think i will call the docs and get him to take a look at her.
How am I? I am ok, arent I always? Keeping busy from work and tryng to balance a family and work life as well as everything that is going on. Still if life was easy it would be boring right?

Anyways only a short one today, dont want to get to introspective I wont be able to work lol.

Hope you are all well

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Saturday 14th

Hello again, damn another 9 days have passed!!!!! Where does the time go? Still, better than two weeks I guess. Well that was Friday the 13th, over again for a while. I do not think I beleieve in it to be fair, but I did get my first real electric shock of a pc, which burnt me and hurt like erm, well like a hot electric shock thingy I guess. Still wont do that again in a hurry!!!
Well how am I? I am ok, have been down a lot recently, feel like cutting again, but I have not. Life is hard at the moment, there is stress and tension indoors, quint blames me a lot for stuff which I have not done, I know she does not mean it and is just lashing out at the people that are closest to her. It is strange being on the other end of it for a while, I guess it has allowed me to see what she had to put up with when i was going through a bad patch and lashing out.
I have been to see my quints dad in the hospice which he is now in, it was difficult looking around another one of those places, all the memories flooding back, the pain, the smell, still I did it, not for me and not because I wanted to, but for quint. She probably will never know I spent that night sat up downstairs crying, remembering, praying. Still, sometimes its harder to talk to those close to you than a computer screen.

Hope you are all well in cyber land.

GC

-----------Ellers, yeah i think i still have you emal addy hun, why dont you email me than I will have it for sure ;) lol

Thursday, January 05, 2006

January 5th 2006

Wow, it has been a long time since I have blogged. Firstly I am sorry to those that have written comments and I have not responded or acknowledged, it was great to see five comments awaiting my return. I hope and trust everyone had a great christmas and an exceptional new year.
So what has happened? Well I have left university and exchanged the work I had done at uni for a lower psychology certificate. This has saddened me some what as I enjoyed it, yet at the same time has relieved so much pressure from me as well.
We have not moved and so we still reside in cheshire, just outside Manchester. Chrsitmas was great although busy in the shop and still taking up a lot of our time. We are looking to expand into new premises very shortly and that is quite exciting although borrowing money to do it is a little bit nerve racking.
Judes dad is still with us, although he is being taken into a hospice this wekend at some point for 'symptom treatment' which I think basically means they try and make him feel a bit better and send him back to us, although if I am being honest I do not expect him to come home from the hospice. He has confided in us that he has had enough now and does not want to fight any more. He said that he did not want to die around christmas or new year as he did not want to ruin anyones festive time. An admirable trait but man does it make you feel guilty. Judes still cares for him and the strain is showing big time. She is on antidepressants and is struggling through amazingly but it takes a toll far deeper than anyone of us really realises I guess.
The illness has bought up the usual conversations of euthanasia and treatment of terminal patients. Ths is a subject lots of people feel strongly about, having been in the position before of being asked to administor a lethal doseage of painkillers to a terminally ill friend one which I feel perticularly pasionate about. Especially as I could not do it, this big hard strapping lad could not do what a dear friend asked him to do. Judes knew I was asked before but was surprised to see the tears rolling down my face as we discussed the subject. Her sister said she could and would feel no remorse about having done it. I dont believe this and tried to point out that no one could say if they could until that time arrived and the situation is stareing you in the face. As usual, no one listens to me.
I miss a lot of things in my life that have come and gone, friendships, lovers, people that have touched my life and moved on not knowing what they have done, or having a chance to let them know or show them. I have felt like this for a while and have visited some friends graves and places where they were scattered and spoke to them. It is amazing that at 28 I have been to more funerals and burried more friends than most people who are twice my age, but I guess thats life, or not, as the case may be.
I think that is enough for now, thats where I am and what I am doing. How am I feeling? Nostalgic and regretful, sad and low, alone and cold, the call of the knife is strong this week, more than once I have thought about it, infact more than that, maybe even felt like I needed it, but I have not.
Am I low yes, am I depresssed, yes. Do I need any help? No. I am fighting and survivng.

Love you all

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

12th October

Wow, another two weeks have passed by, damn life sure does move fast sometimes. I wish I could let you all in on how I am feeling, but I feel if I inspect myself too deeply I may well just fall apart. This would not be helpful at the moment, so I wont, I will just say I am fine and smile sweetly and laugh in all the right places and no one will know. Well accept all the people who read this.
I am working with a company called Omega computers, we have decided to join both companies up together, this has been great but I have not stopped working since we done this, sometimes 18 hours a day or more. On top of that my Father in Law is still hanging on, although he is ill and this is putting a strain on the mrs. She is careing for him and I promised I would be there for her and at the moment I am not. So I have to deal with guilt for feeling I have let her down. I have to deal with her as at the moment I am a target for all the venom and feelings she has, I have to come to terms with the fact that a man I respect and admire is leaving this mortal coil. I am also supposed to do my uni work, fix everybodies pc in the neighbourhood, deal with our son, sort out mortgages as there is a possibility we are moving. Sort out fees for uni, I am also class rep, and christ knows what that brings apart from 30 whinging students about their lecturers.
Oh and I am not sleeping, but hey nothing new there.

Be well All

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

September 26th

Wow nearly two weeks!!! Right just a quick one, I will fill you all in latter about everything. In short I am fine, family are ok. Father in Law is home from hospital now and we are trying to sort out getting him to Sarnia (Guernsey) for that is where he wants to be. I have quit my delivery job!!! Not sure its a great idea but is too late now. I have joined forces with a friend and we have a computer shop set up in a market hall!!! So thats all cool, on top of that board-monkey is begining to come along quite well as well!!!. So all in all not too bad at all.
How am I? I am keeping it together, and the Mrs? She is as well, but both of us are close to breaking point. Still, life would be no fun without challenges!

Friday, September 16, 2005

September 16th

Finally a few minutes to compose my thoughts and sit down and try to write something. Firstly it is 10:40 am, I have allready been to Leeds and back today for a Dental Hygenists appointment, unfortunately the blokey didnt turn up so a wasted journey, however it has left me with some time factored into my day!!!!!
Work is in turmoil at the moment, far too much to do and not enough time to get it all sorted and arranged, I have network instals to do as well as repairs and services!!! I will get into it over the weekend I think and work on it from there. Also on Monday I start back at university, which I am and am not looking forward too, still it will give me something to do, like I dont have enough on at the moment.
The hypnotherapy I had at the begining of the week, or was it last week? I cant remember, seems to have eased the pain a bit, or maybe that is just wishful thinking, either way I am still in pain, but it is not as bad.
The company that supplies my pc bits is talking to me at the moment about merging and becoming one slightly bigger company offering everything all under one roof, it is a possibility. Tho I kinda like being my own boss and doing what I want, when I want. Time will tell I guess.
My brothers wedding is next weekend and it does not look like I am going to make it down for it, this is a shame as he is a good bloke and the girl he is marrying is a lovely lass, they are both kind people and are well suited. I wish them every happiness and joy in their lives together.
Father in Law is still in hospital and they are still talking about where to go next with him. He wants to come home and I do not blame him. We are trying to put all the help and support in place for him and for me and the mrs as it will be us careing for him. I am glad we are as I would not like strangers careing for him, and more to the point, he would not like it either. Yet it is another strain and stress to the allready over worked mind and body of both myself and my partner. I know I can cope with it, I have broard shoulders, yes it will be a strain and yes it will impact massively on our lives for however long it will be, but I know I can cope. I am worried about J tho, she is holding it together well at the moment, but most of it is an act. She hurts deep down inside more than I can ever imagine I think, we talk lots and hug lots and I try to be there for her, but I do not do enough, or can never seem to do enough. Both of us are operating on short fuses at the moment, which makes for an explosive relationship at home. If it was not for my mum staying with us and looking after son then all hell would have broken lose by now. Fortunately mum and J get on great together and are good friends, thin its the similairty in age, tho do not tell J I said that ;-)

So thats life, how am I? I am tired, stressed, tired, exhausted, did I mention tired? In some ways it is good, I am sleeping at the moment, but I think it is more due to physical and mental exhaustion. I do not wake refreashed, or even feeling good. Life keeps going and things keep passing me by, I had to check the dates three times this morning before I finally got it stuck in my head, this is unlike me. I have moved into the comfortably numb stage at the moment. Nothing matters, everyhting is cold and calculated. For me this is a warning sign, it is a slip and a possible step backwards in my fight against depression. I know it is here, and I can see it happening, but try as I might I am too tired to do anyhting to fight it at the moment. I am going to phone a friend for a chat, and possibly my doctor as well, just for a chat. I do not want to go back on pills, but at the moment I need to do what is best for others, not just what I feel is best for me. So that is me, tired and stressed and numb. Hope you are doing better out there.

Be well.

(PS Feel free to leave some comments, erm any comments....................)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

September 15th

Ok just a quickie, my feelings are in turmoil, I am holding it together, barely. All of my other halfs family have descended from USA and Guernsey etc. Father in Law is not well, they are now saying they will not treat anything and it is just a case of deciding wether he comes home or goes straight to a hospice to end his days.

No one has asked how I feel about it all, everyone is too wrapped up in their own grief to think about anyone else. I just keep going and running people around and being everyone elses shoulder to cry on. The truth is I hurt over it, I have the upmost respect and admiration for my father in law the world is loseing a great man. Still I got broard shoulders............

Monday, September 12, 2005

September 12th

Hi, wow another week passes. Father in Law is in Hopsital still and is now in stages of renal failure, but it is controled. They are talking about operating midweek to drain off the kidneys and see if they will recover, if not then the end is nigh. In some ways, and this sounds harsh I wonder if we should do the operation, it is only going to extend his life and and leave him with three drains for the rest of his life. It wont cure the cancer or stop the pain, just make him 'better'. I dont know.
Anyways, how am I? I am fine, I had hypnotherpay this week for the pain in my back, it went ok I guess, and I will let you know if it gets any better. My spirits are ok, and I am feeling quite bouyant and positive this week, I dont know how long for, but at the moment it is looking good.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Be well

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

6th September

Well, what a difference a day can make. I am still good :) Well I am ok, but I am trying to be positive. Tonight my father In Law is being rushed into hospital, pretty much as we speak. They have finally decided it is time to see if they can help him out there, basically he is to weak to go through any more treatment and he hasnt been eating for 4 weeks now either as he is constantly being sick.
I was sat with him the other day, listening to the clocks ticking, the ever present reminder of time running out, and watching him breath. He is a great man, one of the unsung heros. I just wish this last bit would be quick, as much for him (as he hates being reliant on others) as for ourselves. Although I dont want him to go, I would rather he went peacefully than die a long and lingering death. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the nature of the beast as far as prostrate cancer goes. My 8 year old is trying to come to terms with the fact that his Grandad might well die soon, it is not easy on him, part of me wishs he had not been told, the other part is glad he has been. The tears are less frequent now, but still they come from time to time. He has a childs naievety about death, and I envy him that I think.
I have spent most of today sat at hospitals, waiting, or in the park with boy. Both times watching people, trying to read them. Noticing the differences between those frolicing in the sunlight and those sat in the flourescent strip light halls of the hospital. The main difference is hope, the hospital seems to leach it out of you, as if the very walls could suck it away. Every breath a little more dissapears. Watching the patients coming in for chemo and radiotherapy, the look in their eyes, the acceptance of it all. The children are the worst, how unfair.

Still, life goes on I guess.

Hope you are all well.

Monday, September 05, 2005

September 5th

Just a short one, I have to enrol at university next Monday, and the course starts on the 26th :-)
However, the university has lost me in there system, so after spending some time on the phone, and people agreeing that yes I have passed the last two years, I now have to go down there and sort it all out. SHeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh. Never mind.
Father in Law is getting weaker and weaker, in all honesty I dont know why, the cancer does not seem to be that bad, but everything else is going wrong, no doubt the medical profesion will find the cancer has spread or he has some other ailment as yet undiagnosed.
Everything else in my life is pretty much the same, the dark clouds are still hanging over me, but I have found an umbrella to keep the rain off, hehe I like that one. I think I will use it again. Insomnia is still a major thing at the moment, last night I managed an amazing 2 and a half hours sleep :)

Anyway, I am ok, I am still fighting.

Hope you are all well.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

1st September

Today is the start of a new month, and hopefully it will bring new things with it. The last few days have been hard, the insomnia is back again, big time, the last couple of nights have seen me with less than 3 hours asleep all together, it is ok tho. I am ok. I missed GreenBelt, that is a shame, but I intend to get involved with it next year, infact I am going too start looking at applying to be a steward, right now!!!!
I have been to see the dentist, which is a massive step for me, with all the kick boxing and door working etc you would think a dentist would not instill me with a complete all consuming fear, but it does. Still I have been and I have to have an extraction and some fillings replaced, but I will get it done.
The worst news is about my father in law, he is sick. He has lived with cancer for years, recently it has spread and in the last few weeks he has gone down hill. Today is worst than yesterday and it is a shame, he is a true gentleman and one of the last breed of them I guess. He served in Korea, has been a policeman for years, was a true head of the household and family always came first, a strong believer in both God and good. I only hope I am strong enough to hold everything together for Judes, and to ease and help her family in any way I can. I have only known him for a couple of years, but a kinder, fairer man you would never meet, his passing will be a sad loss to the community and especially those of us that love him.

Be Well

Friday, August 26, 2005

August 26th

GreenBelt is upon us!!!!!! Wahoooo, actually I have to work this weekend now, so does not look like I will be going :-( Damn, never mind if it is meant to be, then we will find a way.
The weather today is still raining, so much for the light showers and then it will clear. We have had hail and driving rain most of yesterday and today so far. Damn I hope the cricket is not rained off.
I worked door last night for a local pub, it has been a while since I have done anything like that, I remember why I gave it up now, lol. Still it was ok. No trouble or anything, so not too bad.
So, how do I feel? I feel ok, bit down but not too much, bit achy, but again, not too much. Tired, my head hurts, other than that I am actually ok.
Starting to get ready for the new uni term as well now, well mentally at least. I can not wait to get back to the studying, honest. See some friends, make some new ones, learn something. It is all good.

Right I got to go, be well all.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

August 24th

Here I am again!!!!! Well lets see, last night we went and watched the Island at the cinema, it was ok, tho I would not recomend running out to see it. Some ok special effects but the story line is a bit slow and predictable. I think they missed a point in the film about memory transferance and maybe some good philisophical points, but then again that could just be the degree talking.
Apart from the cinema yesterday was an average day I guess, I felt a bit low all day although I managed to hide it quite well till the evening. My depression seems to get worst towards night time, maybe because I am so tired, or perhaps because I have used up all my resources tollerating other humans........
Still all in all, an ok day. It was nice to have some peace and time out with the mrs on our own. I love our son to pieces but sometimes a bit of adult company and time alone is nice as well.

Today s wet, really wet, I am watching the rain pour down so hard I can not see the hills!!!!!!!! I like the rain, it makes eveything clean smelling, well for about 2 hours afterwards anyway. I love the smell of rain on tarmac. Mind you, I like the smell of rain on grass as well. Talking of Tarmac, I took an FTO out for a spin yesterday, nice car, no supra tho. I think I will ask if I can have it for a weekend, the garage owe me some favours. That would be cool, back in a sports car, even if it is only a little FTO. Still beggers can not be choosers.

Right, must get on with work, be well.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

23rd August

What a lovely morning, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, we have a babysitter for this evening!!!! All is perfect, well nearly. I have had a couple of rough nights and the insomnia is getting bad again. Still could be a lot worse.
Right now this blog is gonna take a strange turn here. I don't normally do politics or religion really in this blog, but there is something that I have to say. Firstly let me start by saying I do not understand world politics, nor do I really have a wish too. I spent a long time this week in reflection and tears. I was watching the news the other week when they were talking about the Gaza withdrawal. What they mentioned almost as an afterthought, was the wall being built around Jerusalem and huge amounts of the west bank. Forcing Palestinians to lose there jobs etc. As I say I don't understand it at all, I have visited Jerusalem and it is a beautiful place. Being the centre of most religions, surely this place should not be walled in? Or more importantly, people should not be walled out?
I remember watching the German wall come down, and the tears of joy and happiness that bought. It was amazing. Never in my life time did I think I would see another wall being built, especially in a place such as Jerusalem. More importantly, what are our esteemed government (and of course the leaders of the free world, America?) doing about it? Absolutely nothing, I have not even seen it mentioned on the news recently. So that is why I am sad, over something I don't understand, all I know is it is wrong, and yet no one seems to know about it, let alone care about it.
Sorry Rant over.

I am good, other than feeling a little down and sleep deprived. I trained last week and intended to today, but have just realised I should have been there about half an hour ago. Still, I trained last week!!!!! Yehaaaaaa, back to kickboxing, my back and arms and legs only hurt for 4 days afterwards!!!! Still it was worth it.
This weekend is GreenBelt, I am still toying with the idea of running down for a day on the Saturday, I would have loved to come for the weekend, but things as they are contrived against that idea, still a day is better than none at all.

Anyhow, I got to run.

Friday, August 19, 2005

August 19th

Still alive, working hard yet again. Feeling ok, seen my psychiatrist now and he says he doesnt need to see me any more. Not sure how I feel about that. OK I guess.

Anyhow, need to make tracks will update this soon.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

August 13th

Damn another week passes, I am really sorry I will try and blog more frequently.
Still this week, lets see, it was my boys birthday, he got everything he wanted and we had a really great time at Chester Zoo. We went on a bat walk with them so there was only about 20 people in the zoo after it closed, we had a chance to see the animals (and hear the lion roar, which sends shivers up and down your spine) and enjoy the peace and serenity of it all. Oh yeah and we saw some bats as well. All in all a great day. Oh and the portable DVD player is for him, honest it is!!!!!
Work is work, it is still going ok, not as much as I did have on, but enough to keep me toiling away with drivers and operating systems and viruses. Had most of this week off to reflect on some parts of my life and to enjoy spending time with my boy and Mrs. It has not been a bad week. I have a lot to be thankful for, which in some ways makes me feel even worse when I have a bad day.
How can someone who has a life like mine sit there feeling depressed and lets face it sometimes suicidal. I think this is a trap a lot of people can fall into, and it is self perpetuating, you feel good about your life, you feel depressed, you don't know why, you feel more depressed, you have a good couple of days where you work it out, then bang another bad day where nothing makes sense. You cant figure it out, you feel more depressed, and so on and so on. My way of dealing with this now is very different to what it used to be.
Those who know me well will have heard me at some point call myself Big Jim, those that know me really well, know how bad this is as well. Big Jim is my alter ego, he makes statements like I have no feelings and emotions, and to a certain point it is correct, I had learnt a way to switch it all off. The problem came when you switched it all back on, over time it became harder and harder to find myself again after the emotional shutdowns. Then one day I realised I could not switch it all back on. I struggled through two years trying to 'find' myself, or become the person I knew I should be. It was hell, but I did it. I promised myself I would never go to the Big Jim place again, easier said than done. Still, a couple of years down the track and I have mostly accomplished what I wanted. Big Jim is still there and he always will be, it is into him that I slip when I lose my temper or when I end up in confrontation, but these times are less and less frequent and only for short periods of time.
So, how do I cope with it all now? I have not suddenly got better, and I have not suddenly stopped being depressed. I still feel the same lows and anger and rage that I have felt for the past year now. The difference is instead of masking them with chemicals, and allowing them to take over I fight it. Not always successfully, but I am getting better at it. I accept that I am depressed, and in some ways even welcome it, after all it is a feeling and allows me to know that I am not 'Big Jim'. My coping stratergies change fairly frequently and different situations call for different measures. I suppose some people would call it life, I call it surviving. I still have the urge to cut, but have not done so in a while, this doesn't mean I am 'cured' or 'better' it means that I am surviving without resulting in drawing blood. It does not mean I wont do it again, I will always be a cutter, and it will always be a weapon in my defence against depression.
I am keeping myself busy, this helps a lot, and I am getting wet a lot. This sounds strange, but one thing I have found that makes me feel good and alive is a brisk walk, normally in the pouring rain!!! Physical exhaustion also helps, but is a double edged sword, for example if your symptoms include anorexia or bulimia or you generally are not eating be sensible, physical exhaustion is going to take a lot more out of you than you realise and have a possibly serious effect. Me, I eat like a horse, and all the wrong foods, so the physical bit does me some good.
On top of all this, talk to people, talk to your pets, write a diary, just get it out somehow. It all helps. Me, I write this, I know other people read it and I know some of them quite well, but most are just names in cyber space. I thought at first it might bother me, but as time has gone on I have begun to realise that it helps me. So there you go, the break down of how to cope being me, there is lots of other things I do as well, and I have written nothing you wont find in any number of self help books. Some people would say that cutting is not a defence and is a symptom, and maybe that is a bit controversial, but to me, it is a coping mechanism, it is how I cope, not how I define my illness.

Having said all this, I have had some ups and downs this week. A couple of days especially where my rage was near the surface for a long period of time. I survived, and so did everybody around me. All in all I make that 2-0 to me over the rage this week.

Any how, I have to run. I saw this postcard in an oxfam shop, and it made me smile. It is now attached firmly to the wall above the puter.

" I cant decide whether to be a good example or a horrible warning"

(I think being a horrible warning, may be more fun!!!!!!!)

Be well

Thursday, August 04, 2005

4th August

Business is good, maybe too good. Inundated with work and loseing track of where I am with it all, still could be worse, I might be not working and not earning anything.

I am ok, tired and raging toothache, moods are level to upwards. Need to find a dentist. Got appointment on the 10th for a skeletal assesment. Sounds posh, basically someone looks at my back and says, yip your screwed :)

Anyways need to get on with work, so its short and sweet. Hope you are all well.
Erm........ one last thing, if anyone is reading this anymore, please leave me some feed back, I am after all insecure and needy :)

Monday, August 01, 2005

1st August

The eyes still sting, the sleep is still fitful, but I am ok. Business is incredible at the moment, it is amazing what can happen in a little while, just through a chance incounter. Still business is good.

The family are still rocking from a letter recieved the other day to tell us that my father inlaws cancer has spread to his spine, (in all fairness we allready knew it had, but having it confirmed is still a blow) he is so ill at the moment, I would not be surprised if it has spread to a lot of other places as well.

I cant do this at the moment, sorry.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

27th July

The all too familiar sting of the eyes, the swollen puffy redness, the lack luster feel of my hair, the aging skin of my hands and face, the disassociation I seem to feel from everything. My body moves, I am not sure if I am controlling it, or if it is doing it on its own, I stumble, bounce off of door frames stumble again. I have a shower, as much to wake me up as anything, nothing feels right, the water doesn't feel right, the 'revitalization shower scrub' does nothing except smell all too strongly of different citrus fruits. I feel sick, I try eating, feel even more sick now. I eye the scotch and vodka, maybe just a small one, I have been here before. I know if I have 'just a small one' then tomorrow I will wake up not knowing what happened today and feel even more terrible.
I shave my beard off, the razor drags across the flesh, it is almost as if I can feel every hair being cut. I cut myself, I don't know if I did it on purpose or not, it is not as deep as it would normally be if I cut on purpose, but right now I don't know if I can trust my feelings and senses. I watch the blood run down my face, I watch it pool on my top lip, then drip down into the bowl. I do not feel any better.
You see, insomnia has returned with a vengeance. In the last three nights I might have slept an hour if I am lucky. The thing that worries me is I have never been this bad after just a few nights, it normally takes about a week or more for me to hit this kinda state, perhaps its because I have had a months reprieve or so, or perhaps it is just because I feel so bad that I have talked myself into imagining that things are worse than they are. Again I do not know.
tonight I will sleep, I will take some sleeping tablets and get a few hours. As I say this a feeling of failure seems to engulf me. I have been doing so well without tablets and without sleeping pills, that to admit I need to take some is to admit failure. The truth is it is not failure, it is a realisation that some times we all need help, but in my eyes, it is still failure.
I have managed to find my cigarettes and light one and inhale deeply, even these today taste horrible and the familiar burn at the back of the throat is missing. Not for the first time I consider quitting again, then again having removed all other unhealthy things from my life, drinking, drugs, diet etc I think I can allow myself to smoke for a while longer. I need a quitting date, I will consider this for a while and let you all know what I intend to do.

I look out the window, I screw my eyes up tight and then open them, my worst fears are realised when I notice everything looks plastic again, I have definitely been here before. A sadness and feeling of impending doom seeps throughout my body, I shudder. I look back at the computer screen to find the screensaver rolling through. I can not remember how long I have been sat looking out the window, considering what to write, trying to work out how to put into words what I am feeling right now. Sad, alone, miserable, ethereal, none of them seem to do the feeling justice.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

July 21st

Thanks for the comments to my last post, yes readng does help to take my thoughts off of my depression. I had not looked at it like that before, I suppose in some ways it is just another distraction.
How am I? I am ok, far too much going on at the moment, but then it all serves as a distraction I suppose. Family up visiting at the moment, work going full steam ahead, boy off school sick, etc etc. Back is playing up again and I am once again in constant pain, bloody back injury. Other than that I am well.
Sorry it is short, I will catch up again very soon, but I stole 5 mins in between inings as England has just bowled Australia out for 190!!!!

Monday, July 18, 2005

July 18th

Its no longer HOT!!!!!!!!!! Wahooooooo, LOL. Infact it is raining heavily. Still that's an English summer for you I guess. Sold one of our cars today, its a strange feeling, I did not think I liked the car overly, but now its gone, I think I am going to miss it. Still, onwards and upwards.
I don't know where I am at the moment, all the days seem to blur into one long never ending hour. I am not sleeping, insomnia is like an old friend returning, I have dealt with it for years, but recently it has been different, I am not sure why. I am still having bad dreams, tho they are not as frequent as they have been in the past. I am still not taking my tablets, I cant even remember how long it has been now, 3 weeks maybe. I am ok in myself, although the last few days have been hard and I have had some lows, but I am still fighting.
Business is business, and it keeps moving in an almost satisfactory direction. We have some celebrity endorsements, and bits happening, but it all seems to take for ever. I cry a lot now.
Things on television make me cry, people being beautiful and humane make me cry, no one ever sees me cry, but I cry now more than ever before in my life I think. People say it is a release, and it helps to cry, for me it is just an emotional response, like my body is full of emotion and crying lets them escape. It is better crying than becoming aggressive. I don't feel great about it, and I don't feel that much better after crying, infact part of me is finding it hard to write about it, I am a big lad and used to have a reputation for being, erm well hard I guess. I never thought I would end up sobbing like a baby over something stupid.
On the positive side, my moods seem to be leveling off, so I am hoping that my body has got used to the lack of antidepressants and mood surpressors. I am not looking forward to seeing my Dr or my Psychiatrist, they will no doubt go nuts, still, I am feeling better in myself for not taking them.
I am reading a lot more these days as well, I used to be such a vivacious reader, then it trailed off, but now I am back to it. Of course I have the new HP book, and it is ok, I have read all of Garth Nix work and Philip Pullmans Dark materials trilogy. I have also read Darren Shaws books and re read a couple of favorites, James Frey's A million Little pieces, Linda cain's out of the dark and Plato's Republic. If anyone has some spare time then Frey is definitely the one to read.
I have started trying to meditate again and it is difficult, I used to meditate all the time, but these days cant relax or concentrate enough, still I will keep trying until it comes.

I hope this finds you all well.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

July 12th

Its Hot.................Damn Hot
It has been a week!!!!!!! OMG how time flies when you aint having fun.......
quick update, business is good, pc's doing well, clothing company now off the ground and running, we still have the site to set up but please add it to your favs and check it out, should be up and running by the end of the month. www.board-monkey.com Did I mention it was hot?

how am I? I am ok, life is life, it carries on. I have stopped taking all drugs (the prescribed ones, I dont take other drugs any more) and it has been an interesting week and a bit, some low lows and some high highs, I feel better for not taking them and the challenge of setting up the new company has helped (I like new challenges and pressure). The lows are bad, but survivable, the highs are great, it as been a while since I had a high, partly due to the drugs as they level the playing field so to speak. But I am ok.
The uni course is now a distant memory and will no doubt stay that way till october, I am looking forward to getting back to it tho and I am reading a lot around the subject, psychology is amazing.
Anyways I said it would be quick, I hope this finds all of you well. Dont be scaired to leave a comment.


DO NOT STOP TAKING ANY PRESCRIBED MEDICATION WITHOUT TALKING TO YOUR DOCTOR FIRST.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

July 5th

Today is a good day, i have helped my father inlaw buy a new car. He is happy with the new motor and i managed to get him a good deal. The Discovery is fine and driving well and it has been fun driving a big vehicle again. I have an interview for a job tomorrow and both my computer company and our new clothing label is going well. All in all a great day I think.
I stopped taking my tablets a few days ago, and although the fist person to say never just stop taking the anti depresants, I am feeling ok. Mind you lets see how bad I feel in a few days time.
Anyways, just a quick note to update things.

Be well all.

Monday, July 04, 2005

July 4th

Its raining, I must be in England. Which is no surprise as I live here, but just for once I would like to be somewhere else, not for long, but just for a while. Wimbledon is over for another year, a rather predictable outcome in the mens and a rather interesting one in the womens. I am glad Venus won it, it is funny watching commentators do a complete about face.
I am in one piece and surprisingly today I am a bit down, I thought today would be a good day as I have got a surprise for my better half, I have bought her a Discovery. It is the car she has always wanted, and I know it will make her happy, and that is normally enough to make me happy, but not today. Instead my mood matches the sombre dark grey clouds hanging over head.

Friday, July 01, 2005

1st July

Just a quick one to let you know I wish you all enough.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

Keep well.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

June 29th

Hmmmmmmmm, I have had a hell of a decision to make and finally I have made it, the road I have chosen is not well trodden and will be fraught with danger (bit melodramatic I know). Still the decision is made and now I have to see what life has to deal me and mine and take it from there.
How am I? Well, I am ok, no big up or big down just ok, guess the meds are working. The Dr phoned this morning to tell me to up my dosage of pills and although I took some more this morning I am now of the feeling that I may actually want to reduce the meds I am taking. Hmmmm, another hard decision. Still I have some time to think about it so we will see. I am just fed up with this plateau of ok, I want the ups and downs back in my life, well more ups than downs I hope, but I want to feel again.
I am going back to training this week, Friday to be precise. Hopefully my body will hold together long enough to get me fit for November and the national championships, I so want to fight in them even if I don't win (I never settle for second place.........) I have trained to hard and for too long not to do this, it was my aim for a couple of years and now I am finally without injury (well without pain, same thing) I can get back on the road of long runs, hard workouts and lots of sweating... Still enough about me.
GreenBelt is approaching fast, and I am in a slightly better financial position now, so I think I might well get down for one day if not two over the weekend. I just hope I can find Pip and maybe one or two others there to say hi to and thanks. I am special and I am unique, and it is thanks to people like Pip that I realise this now more than ever. There are others of course, many people, but some have gone above and beyond, Basil and Pip especially, thanks guys I love you both.
Right I have to run, I promise to catch up soon with you all.

Hope you are all well.

Monday, June 27, 2005

June 27th

Wow nearly two weeks, finally, PC is up and running again and all nasty viruses and such are now history. How am I? I am ok I think.
A bad night last night, and a sense of foreboding permeates everything. I spent the night in a half dream half awake like state, tossing and turning, awaking in a cold sweat.
Everything today looks plastic again, my mind wonders back to days of yesteryear when things looking plastic meant we had had a night or several nights on the raz. Suddenly I want to get wasted, out of it, just to let life carry on around me whilst I opt out for a few days. I sure would like to, but I wont.
Appointment this morning at the Dr's, more pills, more blood work, more waiting. I look around me at the people waiting in the surgery and ponder on what personal hell has bought them to this sorry place on a Monday morning. Are they as ill as me? Are their problems physical, mental, imagined? I like watching people, I always have, but since starting this psychology degree I find myself watching them more, and trying to work out what they mean and what they are doing. I watch a young man nervously pretending to read a cycling magazine, whilst his eyes are darting all around the waiting room, our eyes meet and he looks down at his magazine again, he fidgets a lot under my gaze, I look away from him to try and lighten his discomfort. My attention falls on to an elderly couple, both with hearing aids, I notice them because they must be 70+ and are still holding hands, which I find sweet, they seem at ease almost like this is there second home. I wonder if the hand holding is a mark of love or a mark of comfort, and if it is who is comforting whom, and what ailment brings them here.
I watch through the window as an old man parks his car and struggles to get out, he walks badly, bent forward at the waist, arms hanging, he looks like an extra out of Shaun of the Dead. I wonder if this is what life has to offer me as I get older. The arrogance of youth screams no in my head, I would rather kill myself. This is a common theme for me, I don't want to be old or infirm.
I get called through early and have my bloods done, and then I go straight in to see my Dr. My surgery is very well organised. Two thoughts go through my head, 1 This must be like winning the lottery and 2. I must be dyeing if this is that important. The truth is neither it is just a well run surgery.
Doc and I chat about how I am doing, and how the medication is affecting me, we talk about what direction I am heading in with uni and life in general, she asks how I got on with the trick cyclist (psychiatrist) and if the meds have calmed me down. She says she will call me next week and talk some more on the phone about my med dosage once the blood work is back, she hands me my prescriptions and off I go.

All in all not a bad morning really. Still feel like poo and the rage is lurking today, I can feel it in the background, I think I will stay indoors today and try to keep out of peoples way, might be safer for everyone concerned.........

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

June 15th

On a borrowed hard drive at the moment, my new ones arrive tomorrow :) wahooooooo.

I am ok I think, well OK as I can be, things in life are slow but moving. Certain parts of the jigsaw are falling into place. Money is as always, just enough to see us through (with a little help from our plastic friends).

A couple of big things, one I have decided to help out a complete stranger who is going bankrupt with his business, sorting out advertising and helping him decorate the shop etc...... (Mainly because he makes the best pizza's and kobide and rice in the whole known universe. Any one ever dareing to visit Glossop or the surrounding area should definately give him a bell on 01457 85 85 88)
The second big thing is I have had it confirmed that I have passed this year at uni, which is cool. Only 3 more to go :)

Thats my life in a nutshell lol.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

14th June

As I stand and stare,
at a rose whose petals are as red as blood,
the intricate rose whose flower looks like a face,
the image shifts,
the rose is a mangled and tortured soul,
the blood red petals melt and dissolve,
they now run as blood,
it moves,
it has life,
the blood drips,
I recognise it,
it is my reflection looking at me,
as I stand and stare.

Friday, June 10, 2005

June 9th

Hiya folks, may be a while till im back online as I have blown my computer up!!!!! Well I didnt, a nasty virus did, so dont open any emails from me. Need a new hd and need to reinstal everything, but should be back within a week if not sooner.

Hope you are all well.

Monday, June 06, 2005

June 6th

The ticking of the second hand sounds loud,
too loud,
it drowns out the noise of the everyday,
the passing of time,
some people stare at me,
some try and talk to me,
I see their mouths move,
all I hear is the ticking.

The second hand sweeps round the clock,
more faces appear,
everything blurs as I try to focus on what they say,
all I hear is the ticking,
tick tick tick.

Seconds become minutes,
minutes become hours and then days,
people come and people go,
some try to help, some try to talk,
all I hear is the ticking.

I try to run,
I am not sure from what,
the people, the ticking?
It all blurs into one,
there are no borders between real and make believe,
I run hard and fast,
everything changes, the people, the mouths moving,
but still I hear the ticking.



I have the feeling recently that life is passing me by and all I am doing is sitting here, clicking away on blogs or sites. The work has slowed up some and money is becoming tighter, but still I sit and click. I've had a busy week or so, doing some customer service appraisals and generally being out and about watching some bands and playing over the park with boy, went to a BBQ (and the food was edible!!!!) The strange thing is everything seems plastic, well looks plastic, I don't know how to explain it really. I have experienced this before, but only on acid come downs, those that have tried it will know all to well the amazing way that everything looks plastic. So my life is full of plastic things at the moment, plastic cars, plastic tress and even plastic people. (Damn mentioning plastic makes me think of my unfinished novel, I really must do some work on that.)
Yesterday me and Judes went out with my college class for a meal. It was ok and the some of the lecturers came along as well. For two and a half hours I was my 'old self' as Judes put it. Holding conversations, smiling, laughing and generally enjoying life. What no one understands is the toll this front takes on me, on returning home I was exhausted, fighting to keep my eyes open and back to my normal mono-syllable means of communication. I can see this hurts Judes as she thinks it is because of her, no matter what I say. I hate my life at the moment, I hate being broke, I hate being in pain and I hate hurting the ones I care about. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me.
I have not cut recently, but today I feel like it. I guess the new tablets are not doing me any more good than the old ones if I still feel low and feel like cutting. Still it is early days and I have to give them a chance.

I hope you are all well.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

May 28th

Its been a while, far too long infact, but finally all the sxams and coursework are finished. I have passed my last exams with varying grades from 48% (2:1) to 96% a first, so a bit sporadic but its over now till october, wahooooooooooo
How am I? Well actually I am pretty good, things getting sorted, I still have the mood swings but less often, the dreams are bad when I get them and can have me not sleeping for a week at a time, but I am coping. Back is bad, and now awaiting an assesment by an MST team and looking at a possible operation, so I am not training or fighting at mo, well erm not supposed to be, but is so difficult to give it up, it helps with the temper and mood swings as well, so trying to strike a delicate balance between training and pain in back.
Looks like the national championships aint gonna happen, my Dr is not happy about me fighting untill my back is better, and that looks like an operation now as it has not responded to treatment, oh well, there is always next year............
Other than that, not a lot has changed except the finishing of uni till october.............

Now all I need to do is find something very stressful to fill the time up with......................
all answers in comments with a retuen address please.......... lol

Be well all

Friday, May 20, 2005

May 20th

Deadlines are tight, work is huge amounts, Still only a few days to go.............

Ima live and I am well, sorry if this is brief, but I am working very hard at the moment, I may not be able to get a minute to myself untill the end of next week, so dont panic if you dont see me post anything, you are all in my thoughts.

Be well, be safe.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

May 18th

And then the rug will be pulled from beneath your feet.............

Well lets see, the pub idea was a good one and the pub had lots of potential, and I actually felt better for a week or so thinking about what we needed to do and how we would do it. We had a phone call from the agents making sure our finance was in place, which it was as long as the figures matched up, everything was cool. Then the bank tell us they will not give us the amount they said we could have and say we have to find another 75K. So not one to be put off easily, we start the long series of phone calls, all to no avail. Still, if it was meant to be, then it would have happened. I am a bit down about it.

Monday, Monday was the day of the trick cyclist appointment, I dutifully went along and saw the man. He seemed pleasent enough though obviously struggled with English grammer (I think he was French), we chatted for a while and he has put me on some extra meds to try and alieviate the moods. We chatted about psychology for a bit and he asked me to diagnose myself!! Trust me to get the lazy psychiatrist lol. We spoke about psychotherapy, and he smiled at my determination not to go down the 'wooley psycho-babble' route, although we wil discuss it again in three months. So that was it, months of waiting and in 45 mins it was all over, I felt, erm, I dont know, deflated I guess. Dissapointed? maybe. Still he is nice and we shall see what happens.

My mood is sombre today as I get to grips with the fast approaching exams and coursework deadlines. Still it has to be done and I have been putting it off for so long now. I think I will manage it ok.

Hope all is well folks.......

Be safe

Sunday, May 15, 2005

May 15th

Wow, what a three days. In the last three days we have viewed a pub and in theory secured finance for it. So if all goes well within 2 months I could be back in the licensed trade and running a fairly profitable business again. This is a double edged sword, I am ill, my back is injured and I have several ailments at the moment. This is all bad as the hours and work rate I know all to well. The other side is this, it will give me a focus and drive I have been lacking and will also ease our financial burdens greatly. There is a long way to go and I am still not 100% convinced that it is the right thing to do, well there is always nagging doubts, and in some respects I am not sure I will cope with it all. It is a really nice restaurant/pub doing about 50/50 split in trade. It is not really what I am used to, or what I specialise in, still I suppose we all have to grow up at some point in our lives and I can not keep on running live venues or young persons bars my whole life.

Got to run, I have to finish working on my business plan, still thought I would let you all know.......

Be nice to get some comments (hint hint) lol

Thursday, May 12, 2005

May 12th

Life...................

I have just found out I have passed my last exam with a first, 76%. This is good news, and bad. Its great that I managed to get another first after having my grades slip to 2:1 and 2:2, however seeing as how it was the same day I handed in a letter from my Dr saying they dont think I am up for doing exams and please let me be for a while, I dont think the letter will work now.......

Still positive note, A first, excellent has been a whole term since I got a first on anything, and I have juts handed in one of my pieces of coursework as well, so that means Im down to 2 to do, well 1 and a half as I have all ready done half of the other one. Summer holidays here I come. I have got till whitsun to finish all my coursework and fit in 3 exams I need to do to make up. Which is what 2 weeks? Hmmmmm toughy but worth it, as we break up at Whit and dont return till, oh, October. Lol, hard life of the student.
The big decision is what do I do over the summer hols? I would like to do something to help someone and preferably people facing. It would be nice to do something which has some relation to the degree, I don't know, perhaps I will look at joining the samaritans or something. If I had though about it before I would have applied to GreenBelt to do security again, tho it has been a while. Still onwards and upwards................

This positive thinking hurts my head.........

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

May 11th

Still here, still breathing, still fighting, still alive.

How do I feel? I get asked this question lots, or questions along those lines, like how are you? etc etc. I always say I am ok and smile. Infact its such an automatic response now I no longer think about it. The truth of the matter is probably far darker and far scarier, well for me it is anyhow.

The truth is, I dont feel, I dont feel warm or cold, happy or sad, even pain has become a dull ache rather than pain. Whilst it has some benefits it has a rather cruel and exacting price, the benefits are obvious, I dont feel pain, well not like it used to be. The cruel and exacting price is I dont feel happy, I dont feel love, I dont feel, I just exist. My life is washed in colours of grey, even the most vivid of colours appear dull and lacklustre.

The only thing that is real to me now, is the call of the cold hard blade of the razor, I know no matter how far I go or how 'numb' I become I can penetrate it with the blade. Nothing is like the feeling of commiting the incision, watching the skin give up its very life. The blood running deep and crimson, the feel of it on my skin, suddenly so alive it could almost be acid running over it rather than blood. Then I feel. For those brief few moments the world snaps back into reality, light becomes brighter and sound becomes louder. Feeling returns for a time. These reprieves of numbness are great, but they dont last as long as they used to and I now am fighting with the need to cut more often and deeper.

The call of the blade is a cruel mistress, demanding more and more, but it is a call I answer all to freely these days.....

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

May 10th

So, Where do we go from here?

Its been a while since I blogged, I have been away for a few days this last week. We went up to the lake district as a surprise for Judes birthday and because we needed the break. The time away was great, we relaxed, went to our favourite hotel and restaurants and just generally did nothing but read, have spas and eat lots of very rich food.

One of the reasons we went was to escape a growing cloud of darkness and depression that has envaded our lives over the last week. On top of having our car stolen and recovered (all though a right off and it wasnt insured as it was off road and for sale) the other car failing its MOT with about a £1000 of work to be done on it. Our health has deterioated as well, Judes has to have an MRI scan on her head as they think she has a slow growing benign tumour on her auditory nerves and as such she is going deaf, she has also been refered to an orthopeadic specialist as reagrds her frozen shoulder as she hasnt responded to treatment. I have been refered to a specialist as well as regards my back and need an MRI scan and xrays as well as the possibility of having my back operated on. On top of all that Judes father has a problem with his lymphatic system and as he allready has secondry cancer the outlook isnt good. So thats us in a nutshell. Falling apart and feeling down in the dumps.

We are back now, the brief break recharging what little remains of our batteries. I think about the exams and work I still have to finish for university, with the deadlines looming now. I also think about the upcoming appointment next week with a psychiatrist and wonder about what will happen. I suppose I am nervous and a little overwhelmed by everything to be fair, infact downright frightend would proberly be a better way of putting it. Still I keep smiling and laughing and try to look like i am not in pain for Judes sake as much as anything else.

I have to run, but will catch up again tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

May 3rd continued.

Firstly, thank you people for you kind comments.
I am glad I prepaired myself for more bad news today as guess what, it was not long in coming. Our VW beetle had to go in for an MOT, although fairly sure it would not pass we sent it off. What we was not expecting was the MOT station to phone us and tell us a) It needs about £1000 welding and b) There is no VIN number so it would not be able to get an MOT anyway.
I spoke to the mechanic and said erm........I think you have that wrong (or words similer to that) as the mechanic was trying to tell me that the beetle needed welding to the seals and front chasis, having raced beetles for several years I know beetles dont have seals or chasis as such. So we are at a stalemate, we dont have the money to get the beetle repaired up here, I cant drive it to my beetle experts down Essex way and I dont know anyone that will a) transport it or b) lend me a car trailer to take it down there on. So I guess thinking a little bit more about that.

We went and picked our SAAB up today from the police pound after soco had finished with it, another £105 and a 25 mile journey to another garage and that ordeal is over, well I hope it is. It looks like the garage will buy it off us as it is, although we have now discovered that the thieves have smashed it into something as the front of the car is all bent in and out of shape!!!!!! So we are now a one car family, well techniquely we are still a 3 car family, just two dont work. I havew already started canceling stuff this week as we can not make some of the meetings with only one car, it is a right pain in the arse to be frank.

Still another day down, we retire quite early to bed as we are both shattered, I think it was about 10, which for us is very early. I lay there and watch Judes fall asleep, I smile to myself as you can see her physically relax. I close my eyes and do some breathing and relaxing exercises, I drift off to sleep. I wake with a physical jump, my hearts pounding and I am sweating. It takes me a couple of moments to gather my thoughts and for me to calm down enough to breathe properly. I look at Judes and she is asleep. Its 11:25, I had been asleep for less than 50 mins. This is becoming a joke, I cant even sleep for an hour before I have nightmares, I drift fitfully into and out of sleep all night long, never sleeping for more than 30 mins at a time. I hate the night so much.

Tomorrow is Judes birthday, I look forward to it, and hope she likes her presents. She is in a foul mood today, and says she hates me, she has had a bad night as well. I smile and tell her I love her. Today is gonna be a bastard of a day, both of us are tired and we have a full day with the possibility of Judes going to work tonight on the night shift as well. It sucks.

Be well and Be safe folks................

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

May 3rd

It is the morning of May 3rd, so not a lot has happend today. Still there is lots of time for things to go wrong yet. Things in my life at the moment seem to go from wrong to worse to catastrophe in the blink of an eye. Sunday I had a bad night, I think I wa lucky if I managed 2 and a half hours sleep, the nightmares were worse than they have been in a while. To make matters worse at some point in the night I elbowed my love in the face!!!!!!!! This is not acceptable and I feel deeply shamed by it all. So monday was a fun day, with me trying to come to terms with the fact that I had 'hit' my reason for living. She left me alone most of the day as she had sensed things were wrong.
I feel like shit today, I feel so bad that suicide again is not far from my thoughts. I think about it almost constantly now and wonder if I will ever come to a point in my life now when I will not think like this anymore. I try to focus on the good things and think about the week ahead, if all goes as planned (yeah right as if) then the week should be a fun one for all the family. We start talking in the evening and spend some time hugging and talking about the future and what it holds and congratulating ourselves on surviving.
The phone rings.......................
Normally a phone ringing is not unusual and there is no paticular reason why this should be bad news, but you know when your heart sinks and your stomach sumersaults. It is judes dad, he has had a letter from the hospital telling him there is something wrong with his lymphatic system and sending him to see a cancer specialist next week. he already has secondry cancer of the prostrate which they are controlling although it is not curable. This is a blow, I keep telling Judes it will be fine and there is no need to worry, but a) I know she is and b) I am lieing, if he has got cancer of the lymphatic system then it is bad......... very bad. We spend some time talking to each other and making some calls to some dear friends of mine. I dont know why we do this, I just nee to hear some voices and check some things out. Judes goes to put boy to bed.

I sit there briefly alone and wonder what it is that is happening, where is the logic in it all? I dont know how much more of this I can take or deal with, but now I have to be strong for Judes sake. I will be, it is what is expectead of me, I just wonder how long I can hold it together and how long I can hide the cuts for.....................

Stop the world I want to get off....................

Sunday, May 01, 2005

April 30th

" We pass this way but once, there is no such thing as normal, just you and the rest of them, just now and forever."
Billy Connlly on having his nipple pierced.
I listened to billy last night, I like his stuff and am currently watching the re runs of his world tour of australia on sky. I wouldnt class him as one of the best philosophers our world has to offer, but he is a great people watcher. He has an almost existensionalist view on life, and I find that a cool way to look at things. He was explaining that when he got his nipple pierced that his piercer said, "One more of us, one less of them" when I got my piecing done, all my piercer kept saying was almost done now, almost done, or Stop screaming. I no longer have my nipples pierced as they got to sore and I removed them (the piercings not my nipples). I still have my tongue pierced and an amphallang I want another 2x ampallang and another amphallang. I dont know why I like being pierced, or indeed why I do it, or the tattoos. Well the tattoos are an art form, the piercings, I suppose some would argue they are an art form as well.
I love the quiet of the Sunday morning, the peaks are shrouded in mist as the sun rises and throws everything into relief. The dark hiills, with the smudged outline, as if an artist had drawn them in chalk and it had rained. The sweet smell of the fresh cut meadows fill the air, the birds begin the daily chorus, the farm animals opposite join in and everything in the world is at peace. Except my brain, my thoughts. The dark images are still imprinted on my brain, it makes me feel tainted and discordant with the world. As if the world has shunned me, not willing to accept that one like me, could be part of its truly beutiful and perfect itself.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

April 29th

Here I am again, I am still low, although not as low as I was. I didnt do a lot today except run around like a headless chicken. The car has been recovered, so thast a plus. However, with 105 recovery fee and over 250 damage, is it really worth it you got to ask yourself. So it looks like the states might still be off. If it was just a holiday it would be a blow, but we had chosen to get married whilst we was over there, so it looks like the wedding is off as well. This will be the second time the wedding has been postponed.
The exams for uni are now in full swing and i have 3 left to do, with 3 assignments to be handed in as well. This in the normal run of things would be water of a ducks back, now however, it looms its ugly head, leving me with a fear and dread. I will pass, I have to pass this year, although it will be a far cry from my normal polished performance.

I spent a long time last night not asleep, just laying there thinking. Now I am the first peron that tells you not to think too much at night time, everything seems worse. Still, I did. Sometimes smiling and sometimes crying as I looked back over the last ten years of my life. Some high, highs and some low lows. I have always been a people person, I need to be surrounded by people as much of the time as possible. I suppose is one of the reasons I went into pub management. I spend a long time thinking about the people I have met and known throughout my life and the impact they have had on me, both positive and negative. I look back to my youth and my faith, at one time an unshakeable faith, I think about people that probably wont even remember who I am or what they said to me, people that gave me strength and self belief. I wonder what they are all doing now. Duncan Green, who showed me that faith overcomes most things, Tim Clapton who taught me that faith wasnt something only old people had in a church, and got me intrestead in youth work (at the ripe old age of 11!!). Tim Stevens who seemed to have all the time in the world for me to ask questions of and fought hard for me to be confirmed even though i was only 9. Chris (sorry I forget your last name, female) who introduced me to GreenBelt and TraidCraft . David Ella, an amazing man, a vicar and ex police officer, inspiration and mentor. He taught me how to cannoe, and got me through my BCU exams, believed in me even when I didnt. He died about 3 years ago unfortunately. Nick, Mick, Julie and Andy, the aftergaurd of Cockney Spirit. For the fun times and fellowship that I enjoyed with them. Pip Wilson, for being a guiding light through some rocky times in my life, and enduring the tedium of CS commity meetings when a rather precocious 16/17 year old lad would argue the toss over everything. This list could go on and on. There are others that have had as much of an impact, and many more that have not, I could not possibly list them all. For those that I have not, if they ever chance to read this, then I am sorry, I have not forgotten you.
All these thoughts make me feel good and bad at the same time, good because it was a good time in my life. This is kinda strange as at this time both my parents were envolved in seperate car accidents and both lost jobs, mum was paralysed (supposedly for life, but after 6 years was out of the chair) dad had a nervous breakdown, it was hell. The bad thoughts come from wondering what these people would think of me now, if I could sit down and explain my life to date to them. I feel embarressed about a lot of things, the drugs, the pain i have inflicted, the 'wasted' education, the loss of faith. Yet I know these same people would not judge me, which in some ways makes it worst. Having spent a long time recently speaking to someone about everything in my life and struggling to cope with it all, he gave me this piece of information. It does not matter what you do, Jesus died for us, all of us, no matter what our sins are. Your problem is accepting that, you punish yourself because you dont feel you should be forgiven, accpeting that you have allready been is hard.

I am going to leave this thread there for the time being, writing this is hard and it is early and I am tired.

Just before I go, if you are into the election humour that is going around, then look at this http://www.gbjab.com/ it takes a while to load but it is funny, make sure you have your speakers on.