May 3rd
It is the morning of May 3rd, so not a lot has happend today. Still there is lots of time for things to go wrong yet. Things in my life at the moment seem to go from wrong to worse to catastrophe in the blink of an eye. Sunday I had a bad night, I think I wa lucky if I managed 2 and a half hours sleep, the nightmares were worse than they have been in a while. To make matters worse at some point in the night I elbowed my love in the face!!!!!!!! This is not acceptable and I feel deeply shamed by it all. So monday was a fun day, with me trying to come to terms with the fact that I had 'hit' my reason for living. She left me alone most of the day as she had sensed things were wrong.
I feel like shit today, I feel so bad that suicide again is not far from my thoughts. I think about it almost constantly now and wonder if I will ever come to a point in my life now when I will not think like this anymore. I try to focus on the good things and think about the week ahead, if all goes as planned (yeah right as if) then the week should be a fun one for all the family. We start talking in the evening and spend some time hugging and talking about the future and what it holds and congratulating ourselves on surviving.
The phone rings.......................
Normally a phone ringing is not unusual and there is no paticular reason why this should be bad news, but you know when your heart sinks and your stomach sumersaults. It is judes dad, he has had a letter from the hospital telling him there is something wrong with his lymphatic system and sending him to see a cancer specialist next week. he already has secondry cancer of the prostrate which they are controlling although it is not curable. This is a blow, I keep telling Judes it will be fine and there is no need to worry, but a) I know she is and b) I am lieing, if he has got cancer of the lymphatic system then it is bad......... very bad. We spend some time talking to each other and making some calls to some dear friends of mine. I dont know why we do this, I just nee to hear some voices and check some things out. Judes goes to put boy to bed.
I sit there briefly alone and wonder what it is that is happening, where is the logic in it all? I dont know how much more of this I can take or deal with, but now I have to be strong for Judes sake. I will be, it is what is expectead of me, I just wonder how long I can hold it together and how long I can hide the cuts for.....................
Stop the world I want to get off....................
I feel like shit today, I feel so bad that suicide again is not far from my thoughts. I think about it almost constantly now and wonder if I will ever come to a point in my life now when I will not think like this anymore. I try to focus on the good things and think about the week ahead, if all goes as planned (yeah right as if) then the week should be a fun one for all the family. We start talking in the evening and spend some time hugging and talking about the future and what it holds and congratulating ourselves on surviving.
The phone rings.......................
Normally a phone ringing is not unusual and there is no paticular reason why this should be bad news, but you know when your heart sinks and your stomach sumersaults. It is judes dad, he has had a letter from the hospital telling him there is something wrong with his lymphatic system and sending him to see a cancer specialist next week. he already has secondry cancer of the prostrate which they are controlling although it is not curable. This is a blow, I keep telling Judes it will be fine and there is no need to worry, but a) I know she is and b) I am lieing, if he has got cancer of the lymphatic system then it is bad......... very bad. We spend some time talking to each other and making some calls to some dear friends of mine. I dont know why we do this, I just nee to hear some voices and check some things out. Judes goes to put boy to bed.
I sit there briefly alone and wonder what it is that is happening, where is the logic in it all? I dont know how much more of this I can take or deal with, but now I have to be strong for Judes sake. I will be, it is what is expectead of me, I just wonder how long I can hold it together and how long I can hide the cuts for.....................
Stop the world I want to get off....................
posted by GreenCastle at 09:46
4 Comments:
The more you wish the world would stop, the faster it seems to go. Take care my friend, warm wishes and thoughts for your family and father in law... and please remember... if judes loves you as much as i think she does, she will understand that you are not striking out at her, you were striking out at your memories, and she got in the way... I truely understand how you feel, or actually how SHE feels... i too have been the bearer of the "hits" in the middle of the night.. I hope you can work through this... take care, and hope to talk to you soon...
luv
'not acceptable' and 'what's expected of [you]'...try not to beat yourself up with other peoples standards, you're you, and even when you're in a tough, shitty place, and you're precious, by anyone's standards!
GC who was it that picked me up, please dont lose faith in yourself, I am sure jude knows you didnt mean too do it! Love too you as always and love and prayers with Jude xx
I really enjoyed looking at your site, I found it very helpful indeed, keep up the good work.
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