April 17th
As I write this, I am in a reflective mood. It is on the back of a weekend that brought many memories back into my head, some good, some bad. I had two of my dearest friends come up from my home county of Essex. It was meant to be quiet, but Ian bought his guitar up, and the gathering quickly got bigger as old friends who have become new friends again joined and we had an amazing session with guitars and drums and sax. It has been a while since I have played my drums, the back injury has almost stopped me completely from playing. So, lots of painkillers and alcohol meant it was possible, (tho not recommended) and I am now paying the price with blinding agony.
The arrival of my friends sparked off lots of memories, memories of a time when I reveled in my 'reputation' and spent most of my life drinking and fighting. Its amazing that you can look back and see such great times, and then you think about it rationally and you start seeing the pain you was in and the pain you caused others, both physically and emotionally. I was a bastard, hey I can still be, but I choose not to be. It was a time when I could do no wrong, I was hard and focused, I had money and some notoriety. I had a career and I reveled in it. I was still depressed tho, well at most times unhappy, scared, injured and frightened. Running some of the 'hardest' boozers in the uk takes a toll, both physically and mentally.
It was a part of my life I had buried and forgotten, well not all of it but some of it. This weekend as well as rekindle some great memories of some great pubs and live venue places I had run, had also removed the layer on the nasty places, the fights, the pain and the hurt. The scary part is, I miss it. I miss the adrenalin, I miss the money, and I miss the notoriety. I yearn for it with a hankering so strong. The problem is the price, my relationship, my health and possibly my life. That's not being overdramatic, its just being factual. Nearly all of me screams no, yet some screams yes, perhaps it is just a manifestation of my desire to self destruct. Whatever it is, it is a thought process which is still there.
Apart from that, (and the resulting pain) the weekend was great. I really enjoyed having my friends around again.
I have to run, as I have an exam tomorrow, and I haven't even started with the revision yet...................
The arrival of my friends sparked off lots of memories, memories of a time when I reveled in my 'reputation' and spent most of my life drinking and fighting. Its amazing that you can look back and see such great times, and then you think about it rationally and you start seeing the pain you was in and the pain you caused others, both physically and emotionally. I was a bastard, hey I can still be, but I choose not to be. It was a time when I could do no wrong, I was hard and focused, I had money and some notoriety. I had a career and I reveled in it. I was still depressed tho, well at most times unhappy, scared, injured and frightened. Running some of the 'hardest' boozers in the uk takes a toll, both physically and mentally.
It was a part of my life I had buried and forgotten, well not all of it but some of it. This weekend as well as rekindle some great memories of some great pubs and live venue places I had run, had also removed the layer on the nasty places, the fights, the pain and the hurt. The scary part is, I miss it. I miss the adrenalin, I miss the money, and I miss the notoriety. I yearn for it with a hankering so strong. The problem is the price, my relationship, my health and possibly my life. That's not being overdramatic, its just being factual. Nearly all of me screams no, yet some screams yes, perhaps it is just a manifestation of my desire to self destruct. Whatever it is, it is a thought process which is still there.
Apart from that, (and the resulting pain) the weekend was great. I really enjoyed having my friends around again.
I have to run, as I have an exam tomorrow, and I haven't even started with the revision yet...................
posted by GreenCastle at 20:28
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