April 1st and March 31st.

April 1st

I hurt, the cuts sting, my back hurts, the tops of my legs alternate between shooting pain and numbness. I had a bad night with several bad dreams. The shrillness of the alarm this morning grated and i awoke in a pessimistic mood. I phone the Dr's and it takes 20 mins to get through. I ask to see my Dr, the receptionist says Tuesday. This isn't good. After some discussion we agree on 40 minutes (which is about the time it takes me to get dressed and get there).
I think about what I have got to say to my doctor. I have it all planned. I arrive and book in, hoping I go straight in to see my Dr, I don't, I start to feel anxious sitting in the waiting room, my heart rate increases and I feel uncomfortable, I need to escape. Now I know what I'm having is called a panic attack, I have some understanding of them because 1 a friend has them regularly and 2 My studies into psychology. However, I'm 6'4" and a large bloke, I do kickboxing, I give presentations in front of people and have faced guns and knives. I do NOT suffer from panic attacks, therefore it must have been a mild heart attack or something. Fortunately my Dr sees me at this point and calls me through to her room, jumping the que somewhat and causing some murmus.
I am flustered, I forget what I was gonna tell her, instead I mumble some answers to her questions. She changes my pain drugs and recommends I go and see a private physio, as the wait on the public health service is over 4 months. I agree and make an appointment, its next Tuesday. It costs 25 quid per session, I don't know where the money will come from, somehow I guess I will afford it.
I start thinking about work again, got coursework to be done and handed in on Monday, oh yeah and shelves, I'm still thinking of shelves.

March 30th pm

I am angry, more than I that, I am furious, this is the first time I have ever tried to write stuff whilst being angry, and let me tell you, it aint easy.
I am in a lot of pain, my back is worse today than it has ever been, it just seems to get worse and worse. I want to know why. I want treatment and help, the pain killers don't work. I tried to sort out my physio (NHS), it has been 2 months since I got referred. I phoned the hospital and got transferred till someone told me I wouldn't be treated there i would be treated somewhere else and gave me the telephone number. I tried them, guess what, I would get treated thee either, I get given a third number. I try there and nope no answer. For 3 days now there has been no answer, No answer, No treatment, drugs don't work, No relief, just pain.
I hate being inactive, I hate not training. I have gone from training to compete for the national kickboxing championships, to finding it hard to walk. From whirling, spinning, kicking and dancing, to being in pain sitting, lying, struggling to stand up and walking. My weight is increasing, my appetite increased with the drugs I'm taking. My exercise, well what exercise? I cant even walk up the stairs to the loo without being in excrutiating pain. This all makes me angry. Angry at myself, angry at the world.
I hate myself, I hate everyone, even those I love I hate. This pain and hurt consumes me, sapping my energy and will. I need a release, I need a fight, to get smashed, to black out, to be numb. I cant have any of these, no matter how much I crave them.
I find myself reaching for the scissors,
this will help.

March 30th am

I awake this morning with renewed vigor, I phoned my counselor and set up an appointment. It's Monday, I am scared, nervous, afraid and excited. This counselor was put in touch by a friend. (See pips blog in links section) I do not know what theory this man subscribes too. I look forward to finding out more on Monday. At the same time, I am afraid of what me be discovered.
You see, I am studying for a degree in psychology. I do not subscribe to Freudian or Jungian theories, so it will be interesting to see how this goes. I went to a counselor once, many years ago, before I was studying psychology, At the time I was a crash manager for a well known pub company. I used to fix fix pubs with problems, which normally meant at some point being assaulted or having a knife or a gun thrust at you.
Sounds all Lock, Stock and Two smoking barrel's? Well let me tell you it aint. All those funny one liners or monologues you learn from the films goes straight out the window. Your body takes over, you either freeze, wet yourself or react, and some times all three. I learnt over the time to control my bodies reaction and ending up invariably reacting in a rather aggressive manner. During this time I became a different person, even went by a different name. People would say I was cold and unemotional, in effect, I refused to let myself feel anything.
There was times when this mask slipped, and I would lock myself away and cry for 2 days at a time, amazed at what I had done, and what I was feeling.
Long story short, One day I couldn't step away from the persona I had created. I was trapped unfeeling and unemotional. I saw a counselor, once. We didn't click. I walked away.
I have since changed my whole life. Now I can feel again, those feelings leave me terrified, ashamed, hurt and angry. I so want to return to not feeling and at the same time I am afraid of never feeling again.