March 14th

Hey all, It has been 5 weeks now since I have changed my drugs from amitryptalene to mirtazapine. Over the five weeks my dose has been slowly increased to the maximum 45mg. Although I do not feel any better and the rages and depression still play constant factors in my everyday life, I am beginning to function a bit more 'normally'. The amitryptalene basically turned me into a zombie, I had problems with memory and concentration, disrupted sleep (although I have always suffered from this it was worse with the amitryptalene) a feeling of always being drowsy. I lived 2 weeks of not being able to tell you what I did and a constant feeling of 'fuzziness'. The amitryptalene is an old style tricyclic antidepressants, I did not find it worked for me, although it did stop my headaches and migraines. The mirtazapine has less side effects for me, and allows me to continue (although not at full capabilities) my degree in psychology.
I'm still not sleeping, even with the tablets the Dr has given me, last night I managed 3 hours sleep, this is one of the longest sleep periods I have had for over 2 months. Its worse at night, the hours drag along, in the still quiet of the night time the images that haunt me become even more terrifying. The pictures in my mind, that much more vivid, the images are ghastly, the dull white of bones as they puncture the flesh, stark against the deep crimson of the blood flowing from the wounds. How I wish these images would leave me alone. It is at these points I feel even more vunerable and alone, and my thoughts turn more frequently to ending it.
Yesterday was difficult, the rage was all consuming, to keep control even more difficult than normal. I almost lost the battle at one point, how easy it would be to unload, to vent the anger and frustration on someone. How devastating the results would be, I am trained to fight, I would destroy anyone that stood in my way, how easy and gratifying to release that beast. How dire the consequence.

I am still afraid.

Saw Dr today, she is cool. It was kept lighthearted although the matter is far from that. She has upped my prescriptions, although I am still only allowed a short supply of drugs and have to see her every week. We spoke about valium and beta blockers again, and again I refused.

Made it too unti today, class was full. I didn't want to be there. I dumped my bag and even tho I was late turned and walked straight out, heading for caffeine. I returned to class and finished the lecture. It was on inequalities in the health system. The sympathetic smiles of my class mates was maddening. They talk in hushed whispers about coursework, or is it about me? I hope its coursework, perhaps I am just paranoid. They all break for lunch and I sit there staring, at nothing inpaticular I just don't want people to talk to me. Most leave me alone. Lunch was uneventful, and the afternoon lecture just went by with me losing myself in stats and figures. Everyone chooses a simple chi square test for there mini projects, I choose a complex one, this means I wont have to work with any of them. The maths is a bit harder, but maths is not something I am scared off, working with others is.

All in all a pretty average day really. I take my tablets I go through the motions, I go to sleep, well sort of.