3rd March
Here I am again, clicking away. Yesterday turned out to be a deep dark day really. Everything I touched went wrong, and every thing I tried to do backfired. I suppose I am still waiting for the tablets to start working and make me feel better. I don't know that I have the patience to wait around for 3 months to see if tablets are going to cure me or not. I have always lived with a basic existentialist view I guess, This is, Make a choice, everything in life is a choice, you make your choice and then you live with the angst of that choice.
Well I'm not sure I made the choice to be ill, perhaps I did, who knows. Yesterday I tried to make the choice not to be ill, or to be more exact, I chose to be healthy. (Anyone that knows anything about psychology would know you don't put not in sentences) This however didn't work, the depression if anything deepened, every time someone spoke to me or said something I became angry, not necersarily at them, or at what they were saying, I was just angry. Angry all day, that takes something out of you. The constant dumping of adrenaline into your system, the constant need to react and burn it off. The sorry constant reminder of pain that stops you from doing so. My back just seems to get worse and worse, I know I try and do as much as I can (which in its present state isn't a lot) but no matter how many hot baths or pain killers, my back never eases up, even laying in bed hurts it.
I think today will be a good day. Looking out of my window, the sun is shining, the mist is evaporating off the peaks (which are still snow capped) the birds are fluttering about trying to find food. Everything seems so peaceful and serene. Mother nature in one of her finest hours. Yet inside I can feel the rage growing, my anger, I don't know why it bubbles away so. I don't even know what causes it to become so intense. At the moment it is just there bubbling around, quietend by the awe of nature.
I hope it stays like that all day, then today truly would have been a good day.
Well I'm not sure I made the choice to be ill, perhaps I did, who knows. Yesterday I tried to make the choice not to be ill, or to be more exact, I chose to be healthy. (Anyone that knows anything about psychology would know you don't put not in sentences) This however didn't work, the depression if anything deepened, every time someone spoke to me or said something I became angry, not necersarily at them, or at what they were saying, I was just angry. Angry all day, that takes something out of you. The constant dumping of adrenaline into your system, the constant need to react and burn it off. The sorry constant reminder of pain that stops you from doing so. My back just seems to get worse and worse, I know I try and do as much as I can (which in its present state isn't a lot) but no matter how many hot baths or pain killers, my back never eases up, even laying in bed hurts it.
I think today will be a good day. Looking out of my window, the sun is shining, the mist is evaporating off the peaks (which are still snow capped) the birds are fluttering about trying to find food. Everything seems so peaceful and serene. Mother nature in one of her finest hours. Yet inside I can feel the rage growing, my anger, I don't know why it bubbles away so. I don't even know what causes it to become so intense. At the moment it is just there bubbling around, quietend by the awe of nature.
I hope it stays like that all day, then today truly would have been a good day.
posted by GreenCastle at 18:30
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