March 2nd 11:23am

Hello one and all in blog world. The last week has been eventful so far. Lets see, I have hurt my back and now is causing problems with my legs. The Dr thinks I may have some pressure on a nerve somewhere, and has recommended physio. The down side is she reckons it will be 12 weeks before I get any. (Ty Tony Blair) Still suffering from a broken thumb which is making everything that little bit harder (just what I needed).

I'm still waiting to see a psychiatrist, only been a month now. The Dr has changed my medication again and has recommended I start using valium and Beta blockers as well as my antidepressants and sleeping tablets (think I will be rattling if this keeps up). I have refused for the time being, but I don't know how much Longer I can last like this. The depression deepens it seems with every passing day, hour, minute. I have started smoking again (which is a fowl habit).

The problem I face at the moment is that all my coping mechanisms were physical based, kick boxing, running, walking etc. The back problems are now stopping me from using these and I find myself in a strange situation. 1) I am now effectively inactive. 2) The Rage that consumes me is becoming even more difficult to live with. Especially now I have no outlet for it. I am beginning to worry about my family as they are around most the time, if I'm going to blow it is likely to be them that cops the brunt of it.

I feel the need to cut myself to release the Rage, to let it consume me and my body, to punish my body for the things that are wrong with my mind, to make my mental problems physical so I can deal with them. It is a dark place.
I want to hurt, I want to feel the pain, I want to punish me.

I made contact with an old friend who may be able to help me through this situation, his name is Pip Wilson, he is a great person, a truly honest caring and generous man. Please go and read Pips blog, http://pipwilsonbhp.blogspot.com/ you may get a better understanding of what I am about to say. I am beautiful imperfection, although at the moment I am struggling to see the beauty, whilst the imperfections seem far to obvious. Also on pips Blog is this piece of prose which I read and it made immediate sense to me. (sorry for pinching your stuff Pip)

"There are many people who are sincere without being simple;
they are ever afraid of being seen for what they are not;
they are always musing over their words and thoughts and thinking about what they have done, in fear of having done or said too much.
These people are sincere, but they are not simple;
they are not at ease with others, and other people are not at ease with them. There is nothing easy about them, nothing free, spontaneous or natural.
People who are imperfect, less regular, less masters of themselves, are more lovable.
This is how people find them, and it is the same with God."

Fransois Fanelon

I wish I could be more simple.