March 7th

Back again, have just walked out of uni, have a slight headache, and to be honest any excuse will do. At the moment we are studying societal psychology, which is sometimes boring sometimes interesting. To be honest with the attention span I have at the moment, nothing seems that interesting as I cant concentrate on anything long enough to make head nor tail of it. Today we spoke at prejudice and oppression. I am prejudice, I know I am. I am this way for many many reasons, life events that have happened to me, my upbringing, my beliefs, the media. Lots of different things contribute to who I am and what I feel.
Today I feel low, I don't know why. Nothing in paticular has happened. The usual start to the day. The usual drive into uni, nothing is any different, yet everything is different. There are different pepole sat in there cars listening to different things. Getting angry and impatient over something they have no control over. I like watching people in there cars, sometimes it makes me smile to myself as I wonder who is watching me in mine. People seem oblivious in there little mettle boxes, as if they are cocooned in there only little universe, not really aware of what's going on around them or who is watching them. Not really taking part in anything except the humdrum slog of propelling themselves to wherever it is they are going, work, school, shopping, doctors. Maybe some of them will never return home. This thought sticks in my head and I start to look around and wonder if any of these people here now, that I can see will not return home to there families, for whatever reason. Maybe they are involved in an accident, maybe a chance encounter means they leave there family for someone else, maybe they are kidnapped by aliens? There is so many different reasons for everything, our world is huge in a strange sort of way. We all make choices, we make infinite numbers of choices each day without really giving any of them any real thought. From clothes and colours we wear, to where we park, to when we blink. All these are choices, some are subconscious, but they are all choices.
I wonder if we could make all our subconscious choices conscious ones by thinking about it. I wonder if the need to consciously make that many decisions a day would drive us mad? Sometimes I think that I may be mad, I have so much going on round and round in my brain. One thing my psychiatric nurse picked up on was the fact that I never stop, I never truly relax. I cant, I guess I worry about what might happen if I did. Would I start again? I guess I would other people do it all the time. I envy those people.


Hmmmmmmmmmm enough thinking for today. I am going off now to see how many people will smile back at me if I smile at them.