March 6th
Hey Folks, Its another sunny day outside, but this doesn't match my mood. Im struggling today, struggling with the thought of all the pain that I have caused other people, and myself. Struggling with the responsibilities that I have in my life, both to myself and to others.
Today is Mothers day, and I have spoken to my mother. She was her usual self. Uncommunicative and insular, or is it more that that's how I am and I see myself in her reflection. Perhaps.
I feel the need to get drunk today, to blot things out, why? No paticular reason, just the need to be numb, comfortably numb. To forget everything and everyone, not for long, just for a while. The ghosts of the past are haunting me today, friends and family I have lost, both physically and spiritually. Nothing is worse than knowing you pushed people away, people that could and would help you, but you gave them no choice, they had to leave. At least this is what I tell myself, is it true? Probably, although I could never be sure. Maybe its all just a figment of my imagination. I hope so, but if so then why torture oneself like this?
I am, I guess, a pretty together and with it kinda guy, at last that's how most people see me, they don't know about the torrent of emotion and despair that is awash inside of me. These feelings that control me, the scars they have made on my body both physical and emotional. The drain that even breathing takes out of me, sometimes it is just far too much, I wish this drain to stop, I wish I could stop. Stop for just a minute, take nothing onboard for a minute, switch my brain of for a minute, like rebooting a computer, I believe that this would clear a lot of rubbish and drains on resources that others need. Yeah that's a good metaphor. I need rebooting, a system clean. Just in humans you cant push a button and make it all right.
Theres no magic pills either. Prozac, valium, SSRI's SNRI's tricyclic antidepresants, none of these work particularly well. They just stop the feelings for a bit, but then I find they stop all feelings. Is like a total crash of the emotional system, and I fear that is worse than the pain of living with the despair. To be honest I don't know. I guess I never have.
Laters.
Today is Mothers day, and I have spoken to my mother. She was her usual self. Uncommunicative and insular, or is it more that that's how I am and I see myself in her reflection. Perhaps.
I feel the need to get drunk today, to blot things out, why? No paticular reason, just the need to be numb, comfortably numb. To forget everything and everyone, not for long, just for a while. The ghosts of the past are haunting me today, friends and family I have lost, both physically and spiritually. Nothing is worse than knowing you pushed people away, people that could and would help you, but you gave them no choice, they had to leave. At least this is what I tell myself, is it true? Probably, although I could never be sure. Maybe its all just a figment of my imagination. I hope so, but if so then why torture oneself like this?
I am, I guess, a pretty together and with it kinda guy, at last that's how most people see me, they don't know about the torrent of emotion and despair that is awash inside of me. These feelings that control me, the scars they have made on my body both physical and emotional. The drain that even breathing takes out of me, sometimes it is just far too much, I wish this drain to stop, I wish I could stop. Stop for just a minute, take nothing onboard for a minute, switch my brain of for a minute, like rebooting a computer, I believe that this would clear a lot of rubbish and drains on resources that others need. Yeah that's a good metaphor. I need rebooting, a system clean. Just in humans you cant push a button and make it all right.
Theres no magic pills either. Prozac, valium, SSRI's SNRI's tricyclic antidepresants, none of these work particularly well. They just stop the feelings for a bit, but then I find they stop all feelings. Is like a total crash of the emotional system, and I fear that is worse than the pain of living with the despair. To be honest I don't know. I guess I never have.
Laters.
posted by GreenCastle at 23:40
2 Comments:
Super color scheme, I like it! Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this wonderful site with us.
»
What a great site, how do you build such a cool site, its excellent.
»
Post a Comment
<< Home