April 4th
Today is a strange day. Its my first counselling session, I have to admit to a strange mix of excitement and nervousness. Excitement because although I know it is not going to happen, perhaps I will be miraculously cured. Nervous because of several reasons, first, its meeting a stranger and secondly, I know its going to hurt.
I awoke early, full of anticipation, I had a good nights sleep, I only awoke 3 or 4 times and not once in the cold sweats and feelings of impending doom. I wake Judes up, she has to take boy to school. She is not in a good mood, I am not to sure why. I think its probably my fault. Finally she sets off with boy and I have a cigarette and 5 mins to myslef. I consider not going, it is a long drive, we cant afford it and other reasons go through my mind.
Against all these thoughts I get in the car and start driving. I talk myself into going, I keep saying I am going to get better, I am going for Judes and the boy. It is not easy for them coping with me the way I am at the moment. I do not want to lose them, they are everything to me. If Peter was Jesus's rock, then Judes is mine. She is my strength and my reason for living.
I arrive at the counsellors and sit outside smoking, after about 10 minutes a man approachs me. I know it is him, he asks me in and we go into his living room. He talks about himself for 20 minutes or so and explains how the sessions will go. He then invites me to tell him a bit about me, I give him a brief outline of who I am, and where I am at. The session lasts about 80 minutes.
Todays session was not as bad as I thought it would be. I know and he readily aknowledges its gonna get a hell of a lot worse, more painful and more hurtful. I tell him I SH and he doesnt even bat an eyelid, we talk about suicide. Everyone I talk to asks about suicide, I have become blazae about it. Now dont get me wrong, suicide is serious, but I believe most humans think aout suicide at some point in their lives, but thinking and doing are worlds apart. We arrange a time and date for our next session, I like him he seems genuine, not like some people I have spoke to. He says he will be there for me when I go through some issues, and I believe him. I can not say I am looking forward to my next session, but I do feel more relaxed about it.
I join Judes and a friend for coffee, I do not really want to be there and I am withdrawn and quiet. I feel like shouting at everyone.
I want to cut again.
Finally her friend leaves and we chat. She asks about the session, I want to share with her about it, but I can not recall much, this gets me angry and frustrated, not at Judes but at myself. I love Judes, I just wish I could remember more to tell her about the session, and tell her that I love her. Instead I withdraw into myself and come end up coming home. As I write this, my mind churns. I know there is scissors in the house, I think about cutting almost constantly today.
I fight the urge inside me, and finally, after what seems like years Judes arrives home with boy, now I know I am safe, I wont cut with the boy around.
I awoke early, full of anticipation, I had a good nights sleep, I only awoke 3 or 4 times and not once in the cold sweats and feelings of impending doom. I wake Judes up, she has to take boy to school. She is not in a good mood, I am not to sure why. I think its probably my fault. Finally she sets off with boy and I have a cigarette and 5 mins to myslef. I consider not going, it is a long drive, we cant afford it and other reasons go through my mind.
Against all these thoughts I get in the car and start driving. I talk myself into going, I keep saying I am going to get better, I am going for Judes and the boy. It is not easy for them coping with me the way I am at the moment. I do not want to lose them, they are everything to me. If Peter was Jesus's rock, then Judes is mine. She is my strength and my reason for living.
I arrive at the counsellors and sit outside smoking, after about 10 minutes a man approachs me. I know it is him, he asks me in and we go into his living room. He talks about himself for 20 minutes or so and explains how the sessions will go. He then invites me to tell him a bit about me, I give him a brief outline of who I am, and where I am at. The session lasts about 80 minutes.
Todays session was not as bad as I thought it would be. I know and he readily aknowledges its gonna get a hell of a lot worse, more painful and more hurtful. I tell him I SH and he doesnt even bat an eyelid, we talk about suicide. Everyone I talk to asks about suicide, I have become blazae about it. Now dont get me wrong, suicide is serious, but I believe most humans think aout suicide at some point in their lives, but thinking and doing are worlds apart. We arrange a time and date for our next session, I like him he seems genuine, not like some people I have spoke to. He says he will be there for me when I go through some issues, and I believe him. I can not say I am looking forward to my next session, but I do feel more relaxed about it.
I join Judes and a friend for coffee, I do not really want to be there and I am withdrawn and quiet. I feel like shouting at everyone.
I want to cut again.
Finally her friend leaves and we chat. She asks about the session, I want to share with her about it, but I can not recall much, this gets me angry and frustrated, not at Judes but at myself. I love Judes, I just wish I could remember more to tell her about the session, and tell her that I love her. Instead I withdraw into myself and come end up coming home. As I write this, my mind churns. I know there is scissors in the house, I think about cutting almost constantly today.
I fight the urge inside me, and finally, after what seems like years Judes arrives home with boy, now I know I am safe, I wont cut with the boy around.
posted by GreenCastle at 14:59
3 Comments:
Interesting website with a lot of resources and detailed explanations.
»
Very best site. Keep working. Will return in the near future.
»
I love your website. It has a lot of great pictures and is very informative.
»
Post a Comment
<< Home