April 11th

I hurt again today, my back hurts, my leg hurts, my brain hurts. I feel like shite today. As I get out of bed and my body slowly becomes alive, I begin to feel the pain wash over me. This is a double edged sword, firstly the pain lets me know I am alive, however, the pain stops me from training, not because it hurts to, but because it is physically impossible to do some of the moves.
I shower, I turn it up as hot as it will go, the water feels like red hot needles being pused into my skin. I relish the feeling of millions of pins piercing my flesh. I feel alive. I look at my body, I run my fingers over the scars, the reminders of what I have done. I pick up the painkillers, my usual daily routine of downing a mixture of codine derevatives and anti inflamatories. I empty the bottle into my hand, I could take them all and end it, that is my choice, my final escape. I look at myself in the mirror again, I cant look at my eyes. I put the pills back into there container, not today. I take double the recomended dose and get ready. I have physiotherapy and college today. Physio is fine, if a little painful. College feels me with dread, I have not been in a month, facing my peers again makes me nervous. I struggle with the idea of not going, but this would just make me fail my end goal. I think about failing it, it does not feel as bad as it used to, infact failing it would just be comfirmation that nothing I ever do is sucesful or important in the big scheme of things.
I drive from physio to college, it takes an hour, to do a 20 min journey, I drive round in circles, not really knowing where I am. I get to college and park up, I sit in the car smoking, I dont want to go in. I turn my music up, it happens to be Enemy by Sevendust, one of my favourites. I close my eyes and slow my heart down, I steel myself and get out of the car, I walk towards college, one step at a time, the short walk seems to take forever, another step, closer still.................
In college people smile and nod. The lecturer smiles and says its great to see me. I find my place and quickly scan the notes for the lecture. Its about education and the inequalities within it, its sad really. Everyone seems to be able to empathise with the poor and have a down on hte middle class system, the same system that propelled me through an accelerated learning experiance and allowed me to attend some of the best schools in the uk. I know it is not me it is aimed at, but it makes me feel alienated and withdrawn.
Lunch comes and goes, and I take more painkillers. My days seem to be filled with taking pills, a pill for this, a pill for that. The afternoon session drags on. We look at Kelly's reperitory grid, my mind slips away. I suddenly 'awake' as people are getting ready to leave, I dont know how long I zoned out for, or where I went.
My back still hurts, and no doubt I'm damaging my physios hard work. I look forward to getting home, to getting to stretch and do some exercise, to being alone, to being quiet and restful. I think about buying a bottle of scotch and heading for oblivion, this feels like a welcome idea. I can almost feel the burn of the liqor on my tongue.
I sit in the car in silence, I think about everything, far too many thoughts running through my mind. I get images flickering across my brain, as if watching a film on a very fast forward. So fast you are never really sure what it is you have seen. I want it to stop. I want it all to stop. I crave for the end, for the peace and the stillness.
I crave for oblivion.