April 29th
Here I am again, I am still low, although not as low as I was. I didnt do a lot today except run around like a headless chicken. The car has been recovered, so thast a plus. However, with 105 recovery fee and over 250 damage, is it really worth it you got to ask yourself. So it looks like the states might still be off. If it was just a holiday it would be a blow, but we had chosen to get married whilst we was over there, so it looks like the wedding is off as well. This will be the second time the wedding has been postponed.
The exams for uni are now in full swing and i have 3 left to do, with 3 assignments to be handed in as well. This in the normal run of things would be water of a ducks back, now however, it looms its ugly head, leving me with a fear and dread. I will pass, I have to pass this year, although it will be a far cry from my normal polished performance.
I spent a long time last night not asleep, just laying there thinking. Now I am the first peron that tells you not to think too much at night time, everything seems worse. Still, I did. Sometimes smiling and sometimes crying as I looked back over the last ten years of my life. Some high, highs and some low lows. I have always been a people person, I need to be surrounded by people as much of the time as possible. I suppose is one of the reasons I went into pub management. I spend a long time thinking about the people I have met and known throughout my life and the impact they have had on me, both positive and negative. I look back to my youth and my faith, at one time an unshakeable faith, I think about people that probably wont even remember who I am or what they said to me, people that gave me strength and self belief. I wonder what they are all doing now. Duncan Green, who showed me that faith overcomes most things, Tim Clapton who taught me that faith wasnt something only old people had in a church, and got me intrestead in youth work (at the ripe old age of 11!!). Tim Stevens who seemed to have all the time in the world for me to ask questions of and fought hard for me to be confirmed even though i was only 9. Chris (sorry I forget your last name, female) who introduced me to GreenBelt and TraidCraft . David Ella, an amazing man, a vicar and ex police officer, inspiration and mentor. He taught me how to cannoe, and got me through my BCU exams, believed in me even when I didnt. He died about 3 years ago unfortunately. Nick, Mick, Julie and Andy, the aftergaurd of Cockney Spirit. For the fun times and fellowship that I enjoyed with them. Pip Wilson, for being a guiding light through some rocky times in my life, and enduring the tedium of CS commity meetings when a rather precocious 16/17 year old lad would argue the toss over everything. This list could go on and on. There are others that have had as much of an impact, and many more that have not, I could not possibly list them all. For those that I have not, if they ever chance to read this, then I am sorry, I have not forgotten you.
All these thoughts make me feel good and bad at the same time, good because it was a good time in my life. This is kinda strange as at this time both my parents were envolved in seperate car accidents and both lost jobs, mum was paralysed (supposedly for life, but after 6 years was out of the chair) dad had a nervous breakdown, it was hell. The bad thoughts come from wondering what these people would think of me now, if I could sit down and explain my life to date to them. I feel embarressed about a lot of things, the drugs, the pain i have inflicted, the 'wasted' education, the loss of faith. Yet I know these same people would not judge me, which in some ways makes it worst. Having spent a long time recently speaking to someone about everything in my life and struggling to cope with it all, he gave me this piece of information. It does not matter what you do, Jesus died for us, all of us, no matter what our sins are. Your problem is accepting that, you punish yourself because you dont feel you should be forgiven, accpeting that you have allready been is hard.
I am going to leave this thread there for the time being, writing this is hard and it is early and I am tired.
Just before I go, if you are into the election humour that is going around, then look at this http://www.gbjab.com/ it takes a while to load but it is funny, make sure you have your speakers on.
The exams for uni are now in full swing and i have 3 left to do, with 3 assignments to be handed in as well. This in the normal run of things would be water of a ducks back, now however, it looms its ugly head, leving me with a fear and dread. I will pass, I have to pass this year, although it will be a far cry from my normal polished performance.
I spent a long time last night not asleep, just laying there thinking. Now I am the first peron that tells you not to think too much at night time, everything seems worse. Still, I did. Sometimes smiling and sometimes crying as I looked back over the last ten years of my life. Some high, highs and some low lows. I have always been a people person, I need to be surrounded by people as much of the time as possible. I suppose is one of the reasons I went into pub management. I spend a long time thinking about the people I have met and known throughout my life and the impact they have had on me, both positive and negative. I look back to my youth and my faith, at one time an unshakeable faith, I think about people that probably wont even remember who I am or what they said to me, people that gave me strength and self belief. I wonder what they are all doing now. Duncan Green, who showed me that faith overcomes most things, Tim Clapton who taught me that faith wasnt something only old people had in a church, and got me intrestead in youth work (at the ripe old age of 11!!). Tim Stevens who seemed to have all the time in the world for me to ask questions of and fought hard for me to be confirmed even though i was only 9. Chris (sorry I forget your last name, female) who introduced me to GreenBelt and TraidCraft . David Ella, an amazing man, a vicar and ex police officer, inspiration and mentor. He taught me how to cannoe, and got me through my BCU exams, believed in me even when I didnt. He died about 3 years ago unfortunately. Nick, Mick, Julie and Andy, the aftergaurd of Cockney Spirit. For the fun times and fellowship that I enjoyed with them. Pip Wilson, for being a guiding light through some rocky times in my life, and enduring the tedium of CS commity meetings when a rather precocious 16/17 year old lad would argue the toss over everything. This list could go on and on. There are others that have had as much of an impact, and many more that have not, I could not possibly list them all. For those that I have not, if they ever chance to read this, then I am sorry, I have not forgotten you.
All these thoughts make me feel good and bad at the same time, good because it was a good time in my life. This is kinda strange as at this time both my parents were envolved in seperate car accidents and both lost jobs, mum was paralysed (supposedly for life, but after 6 years was out of the chair) dad had a nervous breakdown, it was hell. The bad thoughts come from wondering what these people would think of me now, if I could sit down and explain my life to date to them. I feel embarressed about a lot of things, the drugs, the pain i have inflicted, the 'wasted' education, the loss of faith. Yet I know these same people would not judge me, which in some ways makes it worst. Having spent a long time recently speaking to someone about everything in my life and struggling to cope with it all, he gave me this piece of information. It does not matter what you do, Jesus died for us, all of us, no matter what our sins are. Your problem is accepting that, you punish yourself because you dont feel you should be forgiven, accpeting that you have allready been is hard.
I am going to leave this thread there for the time being, writing this is hard and it is early and I am tired.
Just before I go, if you are into the election humour that is going around, then look at this http://www.gbjab.com/ it takes a while to load but it is funny, make sure you have your speakers on.
posted by GreenCastle at 06:24
5 Comments:
hey, that's really hard, I've been reading over some of your other blogs, i'm always here if you want to talk, i'm always around for you, no matter what.. take care my friend.
thats always nice to know, just one question.............
who are you???
GC hun, always in my thought and prayers u know where i am, u can call anytime! soz i missed ya this mornin wasnt in from work,tc LH x
gc, it's just mel, sneaking around as usual. take care.
Super color scheme, I like it! Good job. Go on.
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