April 21st

Today was a strange day, tensions in the house are running high. I don't know why. Just everything I seem to do gets on everybody else's nerves. I've seemed to have upset Judes, I am not sure why, but somehow I have. Everything I say in reference to Boy is wrong and gets a stern look off of Judes, who is frequently telling me to stop being nasty. Today I feel like giving up, I feel like walking out, going back to a life I left behind. Back to fighting, back to drugs, back to pubs, I suppose back to destruction. This is strange, I have not felt like this in a long time now, I know it will be hard to walk, but I also know the sweet oblivion that would await me back in my old haunts. I think about buying some vodka and hitting it hard, maybe some sambucca to wash it down with, those were fun days, nothing really mattered back then.
Damn I am rambling, I promised myself I wouldn't. Right lets go back to the start. Today I told Judes to have a lie in, she needed the rest and I had to go to see my counselor. So I got up with boy and took him to school, then went on to see my counselor. The session was ok, not many tears this week as I kept it light, on purpose I suppose. We did talk about a friend of mine, a girl I grew up with called Zoe. She died in a motorcycle accident, well kinda. It was a big loss for me to take, and so close to other friends and families deaths that I guess it just washed over me without me breaking stride to notice. Now I feel so guilty about it all. I did not even mourn my friends passing, how shallow is that? Anyways, a brief tear was shed whilst I talked about Zoe, this inevitably led me to thinking about Marina, the pain is as real as it was 4 years ago. I shut the door tight on that one. Still I leave therapy and go to do an assessment on a university refectory, the decor is poor and the food terrible, so all about normal there. I drive home and see Judes, she is in a strange mood, seems cheerful but also agitated. (think at this point I should point out we stopped smoking two days ago, unfortunately I do not suffer the withdrawal symptoms some do and find it hard to understand them.) We speak briefly and have a brew. She goes and picks boy up from school.
I try and get some work done for uni, after about an hour or so I give up, its so annoying, nothing stays put in my mind and things I read I cant recall. I have never had this problem, my short term memory was virtually photographic (eidetic) and I never had to study. Now I can spend hours studying and be able to recall nothing. I give up and go on the hunt for light relief, I track down some friends in the SH community and spend a couple of minutes catching up. Even this fills me full of dread, all the time I am there I feel guilty about not studying. For the first time in ages I consider the blade (for ages, read 2 weeks), worse that that I consider the pills, I have enough now. If I take them all it would be over and no one could do anything about it. I consider this possibility for a while, well for ages. I decide not yet, there is still somethings I have to sort out before I can go.
Judes and boy are back from school and the park. She asks how the studying is going and I say ok, she asks after my friends who I have been talking to, I say they are ok. She looks hurt, she wants to know why I only talk to them when she is not around. This is not true I do talk to them when she is around, but its different. Firstly, I don't relate very well when she is around, I can not open up, I don't know why, fear of ridicule or a fear she wont understand. Also she wont let me tell them she is here, this puts me in a difficult situation. It sounds stupid, but people confide in me, they talk to me and I could not have those conversations with them and not tell them she is here. Its almost like a betrayal of confidence.
Things between me and Judes seem strained at the moment. It upsets me, we have both changed, but I have changed the most. Don't get me wrong most of it for the best, but I have changed, I have changed so much even my old friends no longer recognise me for who I am. I changed for her and because of her, I love her dearly. I have this serious feeling of dread when I consider what may happen between us. I bury it and concentrate on her birthday. May 5th. I have an amazing weekend of events and surprises planned for us. I hope she likes it, I cant go into too much detail incase she finds this. Needless to say it has taken some organising.
She is very agitated now, and goes to bed early. I speak to a friend on the phone, he is a kind and caring person, but even with him I don't tell him all. I cant, it is as if my retelling some of the story would cause my whole world to come crashing down around me. I can not let that happen, not anytime soon any way.
I make my way off to bed, she is asleep, I say goodnight and read for a bit. I watch her sleep and wonder where she is, is she dreaming of me or of something else. It is the first time in our relationship when we don't snuggle up close to each other or kiss each other goodnight. Something inside of me hurts and tears come to my eyes. It feels as though someone has just stepped on my life support line, and my breath catches in my throat, I watch her face, she is beautiful, why is she with me? Tears flow freely now, my mind fights to stay in control, part of it wants to switch off and hide, part yearns for the release of the blade, and part wants this moment to last forever, to stretch away into the cosmos, stretching the very fabric of time and space itself, the purity of my emotions yearn for it to never end. I kiss her gently on the forehead and switch the light off.
When I awake this morning she is gone, for a split second I worry, I panic, the bile rises in my throat. Then I remember she is working today.
I calm down and prepare to start another day.