So, how are we all? I trust people had a good Easter. Mine was pants I worked Good Friday and then the Saturday, spent Sunday cleaning the house (which did give me a sense of satisfaction) and now working on the Monday as well. Still someone has to. It would not have been so bad if Judes had not been working nights all over the weekend as well. It feels like I have hardly seen her. This morning she asked me not to come in and to stay home with her, it was hard tearing myself away. I love her soooooooo much and could think of nothing better than staying curled up in bed with her. However, I do have to work and as my Partner is off with flu I can’t even get him to cover. Still hopefully back to some semblance of normality this week, whatever that may be.
So Easter, I watched the Manchester Passion on TV, it was good to see the arrangements that were used. It reminded me of a time when I used to go to Easter vigils at Chelmsford cathedral. It was always a great service and a lot of fun. Part of me wanted to just jump in the car and go, but unfortunately Judes was at work and I had my son too look after, and I don’t even know if they still do them, I have a strange feeling health and safety would have probably stuck there noses in and stopped youngsters staying awake all night and doing tight rope walking, God knows why, always seemed like a good idea to me.
So the passion, it was great to see the end with Jesus on top of the town hall after his resurrection, in today’s PC bureaucracy of not being able to show you are English and Christian it made me smile inwardly. The show was great, only complaint was the interviewer following the cross, I think it seemed very contrived, almost songs of praise organised, where the people had obviously been primed on what to say etc. Ok its live TV and they have to be careful, but just stopping people and asking them would have produced much better results. Hats off to the Scottish Punk though, I think he is right Jesus would be in a Mosh pit and hanging around with the punks.
So how am I? Well I am alive but I am tired, very tired. I am not sleeping at all well and I am having nightmares again, all sorts, none particularly pleasant. Is not nice when you would rather be awake than asleep, no matter how tired you get. Still it could be worse. I have thought about the blades and cutting a lot this last month, but I have not and I am determined not too. In fact, thinking about it gives me a sense of control and encouragement as I have not cut in a long time. I am seriously considering seeing my Dr this week for a check up as I am feeling so below par at the moment.
I guess I am still searching for something to belong too, something to accept me and welcome me. Something where I can contribute, I can make a difference and feel valued for that contribution. I guess in a lot of ways I am looking for a church, yet I still do not have the courage to walk through the front doors and say hi, here I am. Sounds strange me admitting to not having enough courage, the doorman, the fighter, the martial artist, the typical hard man image, and yet I can not walk into a church. My counsellor once told me that all I had to do was accept that Jesus died for ME, for the forgiveness of MY sins personally, yes and everyone else’s of course, but also for mine. This does not seem fair, he was good and I have been bad, very bad. Yet I am alive and he is dead, because of what I have done? Hmmmmmmmmmm this I need to think on some more about I think.
Anyways, enough introspection for one morning.
Hope you are all well in cyber land.
