May 28th

Its been a while, far too long infact, but finally all the sxams and coursework are finished. I have passed my last exams with varying grades from 48% (2:1) to 96% a first, so a bit sporadic but its over now till october, wahooooooooooo How am I? Well actually I am pretty good, things getting sorted, I still have the mood swings but less often, the dreams are bad when I get them and can have me not sleeping for a week at a time, but I am coping. Back is bad, and now awaiting an assesment by an MST team and looking at a possible operation, so I am not training or fighting at mo, well erm not supposed to be, but is so difficult to give it up, it helps with the temper and mood swings as well, so trying to strike a delicate balance between training and pain in back. Looks like the national championships aint gonna happen, my Dr is not happy about me fighting untill my back is better, and that looks like an operation now as it has not responded to treatment, oh well, there is always next year............ Other than that, not a lot has changed except the finishing of uni till october............. Now all I need to do is find something very stressful to fill the time up with...................... all answers in comments with a retuen address please.......... lol Be well all

May 20th

Deadlines are tight, work is huge amounts, Still only a few days to go.............

Ima live and I am well, sorry if this is brief, but I am working very hard at the moment, I may not be able to get a minute to myself untill the end of next week, so dont panic if you dont see me post anything, you are all in my thoughts.

Be well, be safe.

May 18th

And then the rug will be pulled from beneath your feet.............

Well lets see, the pub idea was a good one and the pub had lots of potential, and I actually felt better for a week or so thinking about what we needed to do and how we would do it. We had a phone call from the agents making sure our finance was in place, which it was as long as the figures matched up, everything was cool. Then the bank tell us they will not give us the amount they said we could have and say we have to find another 75K. So not one to be put off easily, we start the long series of phone calls, all to no avail. Still, if it was meant to be, then it would have happened. I am a bit down about it.

Monday, Monday was the day of the trick cyclist appointment, I dutifully went along and saw the man. He seemed pleasent enough though obviously struggled with English grammer (I think he was French), we chatted for a while and he has put me on some extra meds to try and alieviate the moods. We chatted about psychology for a bit and he asked me to diagnose myself!! Trust me to get the lazy psychiatrist lol. We spoke about psychotherapy, and he smiled at my determination not to go down the 'wooley psycho-babble' route, although we wil discuss it again in three months. So that was it, months of waiting and in 45 mins it was all over, I felt, erm, I dont know, deflated I guess. Dissapointed? maybe. Still he is nice and we shall see what happens.

My mood is sombre today as I get to grips with the fast approaching exams and coursework deadlines. Still it has to be done and I have been putting it off for so long now. I think I will manage it ok.

Hope all is well folks.......

Be safe

May 15th

Wow, what a three days. In the last three days we have viewed a pub and in theory secured finance for it. So if all goes well within 2 months I could be back in the licensed trade and running a fairly profitable business again. This is a double edged sword, I am ill, my back is injured and I have several ailments at the moment. This is all bad as the hours and work rate I know all to well. The other side is this, it will give me a focus and drive I have been lacking and will also ease our financial burdens greatly. There is a long way to go and I am still not 100% convinced that it is the right thing to do, well there is always nagging doubts, and in some respects I am not sure I will cope with it all. It is a really nice restaurant/pub doing about 50/50 split in trade. It is not really what I am used to, or what I specialise in, still I suppose we all have to grow up at some point in our lives and I can not keep on running live venues or young persons bars my whole life.

Got to run, I have to finish working on my business plan, still thought I would let you all know.......

Be nice to get some comments (hint hint) lol

May 12th

Life...................

I have just found out I have passed my last exam with a first, 76%. This is good news, and bad. Its great that I managed to get another first after having my grades slip to 2:1 and 2:2, however seeing as how it was the same day I handed in a letter from my Dr saying they dont think I am up for doing exams and please let me be for a while, I dont think the letter will work now.......

Still positive note, A first, excellent has been a whole term since I got a first on anything, and I have juts handed in one of my pieces of coursework as well, so that means Im down to 2 to do, well 1 and a half as I have all ready done half of the other one. Summer holidays here I come. I have got till whitsun to finish all my coursework and fit in 3 exams I need to do to make up. Which is what 2 weeks? Hmmmmm toughy but worth it, as we break up at Whit and dont return till, oh, October. Lol, hard life of the student.
The big decision is what do I do over the summer hols? I would like to do something to help someone and preferably people facing. It would be nice to do something which has some relation to the degree, I don't know, perhaps I will look at joining the samaritans or something. If I had though about it before I would have applied to GreenBelt to do security again, tho it has been a while. Still onwards and upwards................

This positive thinking hurts my head.........

May 11th

Still here, still breathing, still fighting, still alive.

How do I feel? I get asked this question lots, or questions along those lines, like how are you? etc etc. I always say I am ok and smile. Infact its such an automatic response now I no longer think about it. The truth of the matter is probably far darker and far scarier, well for me it is anyhow.

The truth is, I dont feel, I dont feel warm or cold, happy or sad, even pain has become a dull ache rather than pain. Whilst it has some benefits it has a rather cruel and exacting price, the benefits are obvious, I dont feel pain, well not like it used to be. The cruel and exacting price is I dont feel happy, I dont feel love, I dont feel, I just exist. My life is washed in colours of grey, even the most vivid of colours appear dull and lacklustre.

The only thing that is real to me now, is the call of the cold hard blade of the razor, I know no matter how far I go or how 'numb' I become I can penetrate it with the blade. Nothing is like the feeling of commiting the incision, watching the skin give up its very life. The blood running deep and crimson, the feel of it on my skin, suddenly so alive it could almost be acid running over it rather than blood. Then I feel. For those brief few moments the world snaps back into reality, light becomes brighter and sound becomes louder. Feeling returns for a time. These reprieves of numbness are great, but they dont last as long as they used to and I now am fighting with the need to cut more often and deeper.

The call of the blade is a cruel mistress, demanding more and more, but it is a call I answer all to freely these days.....

May 10th

So, Where do we go from here?

Its been a while since I blogged, I have been away for a few days this last week. We went up to the lake district as a surprise for Judes birthday and because we needed the break. The time away was great, we relaxed, went to our favourite hotel and restaurants and just generally did nothing but read, have spas and eat lots of very rich food.

One of the reasons we went was to escape a growing cloud of darkness and depression that has envaded our lives over the last week. On top of having our car stolen and recovered (all though a right off and it wasnt insured as it was off road and for sale) the other car failing its MOT with about a £1000 of work to be done on it. Our health has deterioated as well, Judes has to have an MRI scan on her head as they think she has a slow growing benign tumour on her auditory nerves and as such she is going deaf, she has also been refered to an orthopeadic specialist as reagrds her frozen shoulder as she hasnt responded to treatment. I have been refered to a specialist as well as regards my back and need an MRI scan and xrays as well as the possibility of having my back operated on. On top of all that Judes father has a problem with his lymphatic system and as he allready has secondry cancer the outlook isnt good. So thats us in a nutshell. Falling apart and feeling down in the dumps.

We are back now, the brief break recharging what little remains of our batteries. I think about the exams and work I still have to finish for university, with the deadlines looming now. I also think about the upcoming appointment next week with a psychiatrist and wonder about what will happen. I suppose I am nervous and a little overwhelmed by everything to be fair, infact downright frightend would proberly be a better way of putting it. Still I keep smiling and laughing and try to look like i am not in pain for Judes sake as much as anything else.

I have to run, but will catch up again tomorrow.

May 3rd continued.

Firstly, thank you people for you kind comments.
I am glad I prepaired myself for more bad news today as guess what, it was not long in coming. Our VW beetle had to go in for an MOT, although fairly sure it would not pass we sent it off. What we was not expecting was the MOT station to phone us and tell us a) It needs about £1000 welding and b) There is no VIN number so it would not be able to get an MOT anyway.
I spoke to the mechanic and said erm........I think you have that wrong (or words similer to that) as the mechanic was trying to tell me that the beetle needed welding to the seals and front chasis, having raced beetles for several years I know beetles dont have seals or chasis as such. So we are at a stalemate, we dont have the money to get the beetle repaired up here, I cant drive it to my beetle experts down Essex way and I dont know anyone that will a) transport it or b) lend me a car trailer to take it down there on. So I guess thinking a little bit more about that.

We went and picked our SAAB up today from the police pound after soco had finished with it, another £105 and a 25 mile journey to another garage and that ordeal is over, well I hope it is. It looks like the garage will buy it off us as it is, although we have now discovered that the thieves have smashed it into something as the front of the car is all bent in and out of shape!!!!!! So we are now a one car family, well techniquely we are still a 3 car family, just two dont work. I havew already started canceling stuff this week as we can not make some of the meetings with only one car, it is a right pain in the arse to be frank.

Still another day down, we retire quite early to bed as we are both shattered, I think it was about 10, which for us is very early. I lay there and watch Judes fall asleep, I smile to myself as you can see her physically relax. I close my eyes and do some breathing and relaxing exercises, I drift off to sleep. I wake with a physical jump, my hearts pounding and I am sweating. It takes me a couple of moments to gather my thoughts and for me to calm down enough to breathe properly. I look at Judes and she is asleep. Its 11:25, I had been asleep for less than 50 mins. This is becoming a joke, I cant even sleep for an hour before I have nightmares, I drift fitfully into and out of sleep all night long, never sleeping for more than 30 mins at a time. I hate the night so much.

Tomorrow is Judes birthday, I look forward to it, and hope she likes her presents. She is in a foul mood today, and says she hates me, she has had a bad night as well. I smile and tell her I love her. Today is gonna be a bastard of a day, both of us are tired and we have a full day with the possibility of Judes going to work tonight on the night shift as well. It sucks.

Be well and Be safe folks................

May 3rd

It is the morning of May 3rd, so not a lot has happend today. Still there is lots of time for things to go wrong yet. Things in my life at the moment seem to go from wrong to worse to catastrophe in the blink of an eye. Sunday I had a bad night, I think I wa lucky if I managed 2 and a half hours sleep, the nightmares were worse than they have been in a while. To make matters worse at some point in the night I elbowed my love in the face!!!!!!!! This is not acceptable and I feel deeply shamed by it all. So monday was a fun day, with me trying to come to terms with the fact that I had 'hit' my reason for living. She left me alone most of the day as she had sensed things were wrong.
I feel like shit today, I feel so bad that suicide again is not far from my thoughts. I think about it almost constantly now and wonder if I will ever come to a point in my life now when I will not think like this anymore. I try to focus on the good things and think about the week ahead, if all goes as planned (yeah right as if) then the week should be a fun one for all the family. We start talking in the evening and spend some time hugging and talking about the future and what it holds and congratulating ourselves on surviving.
The phone rings.......................
Normally a phone ringing is not unusual and there is no paticular reason why this should be bad news, but you know when your heart sinks and your stomach sumersaults. It is judes dad, he has had a letter from the hospital telling him there is something wrong with his lymphatic system and sending him to see a cancer specialist next week. he already has secondry cancer of the prostrate which they are controlling although it is not curable. This is a blow, I keep telling Judes it will be fine and there is no need to worry, but a) I know she is and b) I am lieing, if he has got cancer of the lymphatic system then it is bad......... very bad. We spend some time talking to each other and making some calls to some dear friends of mine. I dont know why we do this, I just nee to hear some voices and check some things out. Judes goes to put boy to bed.

I sit there briefly alone and wonder what it is that is happening, where is the logic in it all? I dont know how much more of this I can take or deal with, but now I have to be strong for Judes sake. I will be, it is what is expectead of me, I just wonder how long I can hold it together and how long I can hide the cuts for.....................

Stop the world I want to get off....................

April 30th

" We pass this way but once, there is no such thing as normal, just you and the rest of them, just now and forever."

Billy Connlly on having his nipple pierced.

I listened to billy last night, I like his stuff and am currently watching the re runs of his world tour of australia on sky. I wouldnt class him as one of the best philosophers our world has to offer, but he is a great people watcher. He has an almost existensionalist view on life, and I find that a cool way to look at things. He was explaining that when he got his nipple pierced that his piercer said, "One more of us, one less of them" when I got my piecing done, all my piercer kept saying was almost done now, almost done, or Stop screaming. I no longer have my nipples pierced as they got to sore and I removed them (the piercings not my nipples). I still have my tongue pierced and an amphallang I want another 2x ampallang and another amphallang. I dont know why I like being pierced, or indeed why I do it, or the tattoos. Well the tattoos are an art form, the piercings, I suppose some would argue they are an art form as well.

I love the quiet of the Sunday morning, the peaks are shrouded in mist as the sun rises and throws everything into relief. The dark hiills, with the smudged outline, as if an artist had drawn them in chalk and it had rained. The sweet smell of the fresh cut meadows fill the air, the birds begin the daily chorus, the farm animals opposite join in and everything in the world is at peace. Except my brain, my thoughts. The dark images are still imprinted on my brain, it makes me feel tainted and discordant with the world. As if the world has shunned me, not willing to accept that one like me, could be part of its truly beutiful and perfect itself.