March 30th

Everyone tells me I need help, yet when I reach for it, its never there. I'm in a bad way today, I cut again this morning. I am thinking that I need help. I phone a person who I hope will become my counselor, he isn't there, which is fair enough he is probably out helping someone. I phone my Dr, she is great, if I cant talked to her then at least I can make an appointment, something to aim towards for the next day or so.
The secretary tells me she is out, fairenough, Can I make an appointment please?, no sorry there are no appointments available. I try to explain my situation, becoming more panicky and making less sense as the conversation continues. She reiterates, no appointments, call back on Friday. Man I really hope she never has to experience what I felt then. Despair? Hopelessness? Loss? And then anger.

Today we had a bloke come round from the council and go through all our bank accounts and earnings and bits. The reason for this is because we have applied for housing benefit. I am not working, and Judes only works part time and we have an autistic son. Some help would be appreciated. He was a nice bloke, although it did feel like an intrusion into our lives, it almost sounded like we was lieing just to get money to keep the roof over our head. Later on in the afternoon we had a house inspection by th letting agent, again more intrusion and more pain.

I hate living in rented property, almost as much as I hate being ill. If we want to do anything it has to be summited to our landlord, then wait for a reply to see if they are acceptable. Still the benefits are we don't have to undertake any major repairs, and we get to live in a house and an area we couldn't otherwise afford.

I find myself sitting in what is becoming my favourite room in the house, its quiet and restful. As I look across the room I can see the incense hanging in the air, swirling gently, ever changing, never resting. My thoughts are like that, racing through different subjects, never resting. One of my biggest choices at the moment is shelving, I want to extend the shelving in my favourite space, as I have loads of books on the floor. The question is, do I build them in and make a desk and reading area, or do I just put up shelves.
Tough Decision huh?

March 29th

What defines your life? Think about that for a minute, what makes you, you? I have been thinking about this a lot. I have spent my life trying to define myself with objects. I have everything a person needs. I have original artworks in every room, I have a chesterfield 3 piece suite in the TV room, I also have a large flat screen TV with surround sound, a super fast PC, another 3 piece suite and matching futon bed in the reading room, a pearl export 25 anniversary drum kit, two sound systems, PS2, 3cars, a bespoke kitchen, a library, master suite with ensuite wet room etc etc etc. The list could go on and on and on. The strangest thing is none of them are me. They don’t define me, they are all equally part of me, but none of them are me.
They reflect who I am, or at east I would hope they do, many an hour has been spent choosing the right artworks, or the right TV etc. But they show a part of me that I want people to see, almost like an actor on stage. Each piece tunes his performance towards perfection, like essential props on the grand stage of life.
So what makes me, me? Is it my ability to love another? Is it my quick thinking highly advanced brain? Is it my soul or sub conscious? Again the answer is no. Not one of thee things defines who I am. Sure they all make up me and without one I would be a different person, but none of them are me. In short, I have come to a stumbling block; I don’t know who I am. I am many things to many people, I am a father, a lover, a carer, a friend and confidant and an enemy.
The question is who am I to me? Am I the Master, the father or the carer? In truth I am none of these, they are just roles I adopt for different people. I would like to believe I am the warrior that I strive to be so badly, but in truth, that is just another role I play.

I believe that if I can truly find out who I am, then I will truly find peace. I seek that knowledge now more today than ever in my life.

As I sit so still and quiet and the dragons watch over me from their perches on shelves and windows, I realise that at the moment, what I truly am, is afraid, scared, lonely, desperate, isolated and evil.
I say evil because that is what occupies my thoughts and soul at the moment. It is, as if, my whole world is black and my blackness spreads over into other peoples worlds. I cast a shadow onto them by contact alone. I have seen wise men crack and strong men fall, I have enjoyed there demise in a truly selfish way. I suppose what scares me now is that this time, it is me cracking and falling.

I leave you now with this question;

Who are you?

More importantly, who am I?

March 28th

I sit in a newly created space in my house, all alone, drawing on my pipe, thinking. The dragons keep watch, the incense burns, the music plays gently in the background. I have what alcoholics would call a moment of clarity. For once peace reigns in my tortured soul. I rock slowly in the chair, enjoying the peace, willing for my mind and soul to accept the tranquillity.
It was startling at first, almost scary, certainly unnerving. Suddenly everything stopped, my mind went blank, my pulse slowed, my eyelids drooped, and for once I was relaxed. It was as if you had pulled a plug on a computer, system shutdown. The break I had so longed for in the past months had arrived, the moment, the peace. I had to concentrate not to fight it, it sounds stupid, but after so long battling with my mind, to accept it in a peaceful state is just as hard a battle.
The moment passed, maybe it lasted for 4 or 5 minutes, but for those brief few minutes I was me, who I was before all this started. Like the flash of a brilliant sun before it dies, for those precious seconds, all was tranquil, I was beautiful Imperfection.
The void it has left, now the moment has passed, is deep and dark. The pain cuts deeper than any knife can. The pain and sense of loss is tangible as the tears roll down my face, off of my cheeks and onto this page, blurring the words as I write them. Like my mind all the images blur into one, never ending images of pain and torture.
As I read back what I have written, I crave for that moment again, the peace and tranquillity, the stillness, the imperfection of a soul at rest. I carve it, I need it, I live for it. I try to recreate the sensation over and over again, it fails over and over. The pain and torture returns again and again to my mind. I seek relief, I seek my angel, I reach for the blade. I know it will hurt, I know I will cut deeper than ever before. I want the pain, it is my release.
As the blade tears a through my flesh, I relish the pain, like that of an addict, I need this. The pain burns, as much in embarrassment as in actual physical pain. I know I will have to explain my injuries. I will have to tell people I failed.
I screwed up.
I failed.

I sit here contemplating my existence, my future, my past. The sting of the cuts wear off, I am numb once again, once again my brain works as lightning fast speeds, a mental overload, a burnout, a breakdown. The serenity of the moment a distant memory, I know it happened, I know because my body and soul yearns so strongly for it again. Maybe that’s what life is about, the search for tranquillity, the everlasting journey for contentment. I wonder how long the journey lasts, if it goes on beyond mere mortal existence, I wonder when my journey will end, where it will take me on the way. I only hope my journey ends soon.

As the sun sets, I dread the oncoming night, the knowledge that once again I will sleep. Once again the images will torture my mind. The frequent onset of these images that don’t leave me, even during daylight, visions of murders and brutal tortures, seared upon my mind as if carved with a red hot knife, images I will never forget. The need to escape them grows, the need for peace reigning within my soul.
I think my journey will end soon.

I hope it will.

March 25th

I am sorry dear blogger friends, for it has been 5 days since my last blog. I did try on the 22nd, but it wouldnt upload and I lost it (damn infernal pc, spawn of satans loins !!!). This morning finds me in a cheerful way, although i dont suppose it will last for long. Am in a fair amount of pain, tho not to much. I am looking forward t spending time with my father today.

March 24th.
Today is my mothers birthday, so did the dutiful son bit and phoned her, it was erm, interesting, she was pleased I remembered, then spent 12 mins moaning about her life, never asked how I was, how my family were, nothing. This has become the norm for my mum in the last 6 months, she has changed soo much, became so egocentric. It is a shame, I still love her, she is my mum.
My Father also arrived today. Things between myself and my Father have had there ups and downs, but I am looking forward to spending some time with him, especially on my home ground. My father(well teqhnically step father, tho he is the only father I ever had) is a good man, and lives with Diabetes (type 2), which he says is now under control, he has lost a couple of toes and has regular bleeds in his eyes. He arrived with Nina (his wife, who incidently is lovely) and we all had a good chin wag for a couple of hours. We showed them around (which is great fun as the house is massive and is absolutely gorgeous and spotless at the moment) as this is the first time my father has come to see me since I moved up North. We then went to the campsite where my father is staying for the week (he has a mobile home/camper thingy). It is the first weekend this season they are away. Went to fill the water tanks up on the van, to discover there was leaks in the pipe. So I ran around getting the bits and fixed it for my father there and then. (This may sound irrelevant, but my father would normally not allow me to do anything for him and would always know better, tho this time he sat back and allowed me to do it, he even said thank you!!!) Once sorted things went a bit more smoothly. Had a brief cuppa with them and then left them to settle down.

March 23rd
Damn it, I forgot to post mums birthday card, even with Judes reminding me to do it. Damn it again!!!!!!!! Last night I had little sleep, tossed and turned and awaited the nightly visitations of images. They did not come, I dont think I fell deep enough asleep for them to come. I feel tired and drained this morning, like I went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. Spoke to local health food shop, they dont have valerian root, but willl get it in for me. So more waiting on that score. I feel shite today, down in the dumps, in pain, angry, boy do I feel angry, i will have to watch that today. Didnt do much on the house today in preperations for fathers visit. We all went up on to the moors, and played in the waterfalls and climbed some hills (Boy calls them mountains) and just enjoyed the sun, for the brief moment we have it. Noboday around on the moors, so no one to get mad at. Perhaps I should move and become a hermit. Boy broke his PS2 today by pulling it of the desk by the lead, it was an accident. I broke a door frame by punching it, (it wasnt an accident) dont think anyone has noticed yet tho............ tis ok I think i have patched it up and it will be fine.

March 22nd
Not a bad night sleep, dreams wasnt too bad. Spent most of today cleaning house for fathers inspection. not a lot happend. I feel ok, tho back hurts loads. Saw different Dr today, as mine was away on holiday. Nothing exiting really happened, he looks kinda strange, very stern faced and lopes along rather than walks, a bit ike you would imagine a werewolf to walk I guess. Not the smartest of men with a shirt to short in the arm for him and cuffs undone. He seemd to know his stuff tho. Still wont have to see him again I dont think.

March 21st
Erm I been asleep since then and cant remember. Somethign important happened today, but what, I dont know. Oh yes, I agreed to counselling. An old friend of mine put a counsellor in touch with me, and im going to give it a go. That was it, knew it was important.

March 20th

Howdy everybody, again thanks for the comments I read them all. Life can be strange cant it? I have had a strange weekend. Firstly, I have decided to buy a house, dont know why, just got fed up of paying rent. So The family and I have been searching for houses all weekend. Found one as well, so lets wait and see what happens with that one. Secondly, I been out doing a job on a pc for a friend of a friend of a friend, you get the idea. Earnt a nice amount of wedge, and looks like I made a pal as well. Always good. SO some plus points to my weekend.
Saturday, we were taken out for a meal by some friends of mine from uni. We went to a little italian not to far away from here. The evening was ok, the company was good. The meal was terrible. I have been quite ill today, tho fortunately Mother Nature seemed fit to give me an iron gut. During this meal we waxed lyrical about old times and new. I thought a lot about my past, the ups and downs, the good and bad, the joy and pain. Mainly the pain, the losses I suffered, the pain of friends leaving, the pain of watching a friend bleed out and you not able to help them.
At one point during the meal, the waiter (who was fairly unhelpfull and obnoxious) spent about 5 minutes leaning on my shoulder, talking to the people behind me. As my family would say, I 'Flashed', took everything in me not to get up and tear the waitors arms off, and beat him with the soggy ends. Tho I didnt I just asked him if he wouldnt mind not leaning on me. Those who know me would know the warning signs, I think he got the point.
Last night was a bad night, I didnt take my sleeping pills. I slept fitfully for about 3 hours, then the images started, horrible, grotesque, bloody images, searig themselves into my mind. Even awaking is not an escape from them. They haunt my mind through my wakeing hours, waiting for me to sleep to burn themselves deeper ito my brain. will this pain and rage ever leave me, I hope so.

So a mixed weekend. Still got some assignments for uni to do, so I will now leave you all, be safe one and all.

March 18th

Well, its been a few days. All together fairly uneventful. Periods of highs and lows, more lows than highs, but at least there are some in there. Today, well what there has been of it, has been interesting. I spoke to quint today and filled her in a bit more on how I feel and what I am experiencing. This wasn't easy, and in all fairness she took it quite well, very well in fact.
We spoke about putting a warning on our address with the ambulance station, this may sound a bit strange but for those that don't know, all self harmers and violent people have there address tagged by ambulance control (in the UK anyway) so that the crews know what to expect. I am still thinking about this suggestion, and in all fairness will probably do it, its all well and good me saying now no it will be fine, but if the need for an ambulance arises and I'm in one of my 'lows' then all hell could break lose.

The drugs for my sleeping seem to be working a bit, with longer sleep periods and less terrors, although the day time ones are still bad, tho fortunately not frequent. (Must remember to tell the Dr about this).

I got an appointment through to see a psychiatrist today, although the appointment isn't until the 16th of May, and this is an urgent case? Sometimes I wonder what happens if I kill someone or seriously harm someone, will that speed the process up? Don't panic, I aint about too, its just a thought that cruises through my overworking brain sometimes. Although I do wonder, if anyone other than my Dr understands what its all about. She seems to, and is always fighting my corner for me with the psych health teams, so at last one person on the team aint bad.

I'm going to leave it here for now, its been a strange couple of days, I promise I will return soon to fill you all in. Thanks for all the comments by the way, its nice to hear them.

A friend sent me this, it made me smile.

"Today is a gift, that is why they call it the present."

March 14th

Hey all, It has been 5 weeks now since I have changed my drugs from amitryptalene to mirtazapine. Over the five weeks my dose has been slowly increased to the maximum 45mg. Although I do not feel any better and the rages and depression still play constant factors in my everyday life, I am beginning to function a bit more 'normally'. The amitryptalene basically turned me into a zombie, I had problems with memory and concentration, disrupted sleep (although I have always suffered from this it was worse with the amitryptalene) a feeling of always being drowsy. I lived 2 weeks of not being able to tell you what I did and a constant feeling of 'fuzziness'. The amitryptalene is an old style tricyclic antidepressants, I did not find it worked for me, although it did stop my headaches and migraines. The mirtazapine has less side effects for me, and allows me to continue (although not at full capabilities) my degree in psychology.
I'm still not sleeping, even with the tablets the Dr has given me, last night I managed 3 hours sleep, this is one of the longest sleep periods I have had for over 2 months. Its worse at night, the hours drag along, in the still quiet of the night time the images that haunt me become even more terrifying. The pictures in my mind, that much more vivid, the images are ghastly, the dull white of bones as they puncture the flesh, stark against the deep crimson of the blood flowing from the wounds. How I wish these images would leave me alone. It is at these points I feel even more vunerable and alone, and my thoughts turn more frequently to ending it.
Yesterday was difficult, the rage was all consuming, to keep control even more difficult than normal. I almost lost the battle at one point, how easy it would be to unload, to vent the anger and frustration on someone. How devastating the results would be, I am trained to fight, I would destroy anyone that stood in my way, how easy and gratifying to release that beast. How dire the consequence.

I am still afraid.

Saw Dr today, she is cool. It was kept lighthearted although the matter is far from that. She has upped my prescriptions, although I am still only allowed a short supply of drugs and have to see her every week. We spoke about valium and beta blockers again, and again I refused.

Made it too unti today, class was full. I didn't want to be there. I dumped my bag and even tho I was late turned and walked straight out, heading for caffeine. I returned to class and finished the lecture. It was on inequalities in the health system. The sympathetic smiles of my class mates was maddening. They talk in hushed whispers about coursework, or is it about me? I hope its coursework, perhaps I am just paranoid. They all break for lunch and I sit there staring, at nothing inpaticular I just don't want people to talk to me. Most leave me alone. Lunch was uneventful, and the afternoon lecture just went by with me losing myself in stats and figures. Everyone chooses a simple chi square test for there mini projects, I choose a complex one, this means I wont have to work with any of them. The maths is a bit harder, but maths is not something I am scared off, working with others is.

All in all a pretty average day really. I take my tablets I go through the motions, I go to sleep, well sort of.

March 12th

Hi folks. How are you all? Well after yesterdays posting, (of mammoth and im sure to most of you, boring information) I am going to keep this one quite light. Well not as long I suppose is a better way of putting it.
Today has been an interesting day, I have been high and elated, and down so low, I would have been more scarred for want of a blade. (Have you ever tried finding a blade or pair of scisors in a museum?) I went today to the Manchester Museum, one of my sons favourite places to go. I dropped him and quint of there and then went on to the nokia repair center to get my phone fixed. After an hour or so I found the center to discover it was closed. This was frustrating, and just a glimmer of my temper began to show as I realised I was getting angrier I decided to take off before doing something stupid. Drove back to the Museum and parked up. Getting out the car and walking into the museum was agony. My legs and lower back seem to alternate from shooting pains to numbness. I found quint and son and then trapsed round the museum for 20 mins in sheer agony. I gave up in the end and had a shake at the museum cafe and went back to the car. The family caught up later.
I was furious, I dont know why, perhaps the pain or perhaps the feeling of uselessness that I endured whilst walking around. Once back to the car I tried some relaxation stuff and breathing techniques. To no avail. Family caught up and we headed off home. This is now 3 hours ago, I am still in a temper and still feel useless. I dont know how long this will last far. I want to cut, I want to draw blood, to feel the pain and see the blood. I need to. I need to feel. Tho tonight, I wont, again I dont know why, I just know deep down I wont. Perhaps its because my son is around, I honestly dont know. If I work it out tho, they may be hope.

Hope this finds you all well.

PS. The tablets still aint working.

March 11th

Ok so, here I am back again. I am going to bore you all today with some of the stuff I have to deal with on my course. Last week I had to give a presentation on depression. This was a paticularly brave choice. It is not easy giving a presentation on something you suffer from, especially as the expectations on me were huge. This is some of the information I used.

• In any given 1-year period, 9.5 percent of the population, or about 121 million adults, suffer from a depressive illness.
• Depression is among the leading causes of disability worldwide.
• Depression can be reliably diagnosed and treated in primary care.
• Depression affects people of any race, gender or age.
• Fewer than 25% of those affected have access to effective treatments.

This figures are astounding and when you consider that the WHO (World Helath Organisation) says this about it you begin to see the seriousness of this problem:

"Depression is the leading cause of disability as measured by YLDs (years lived with disabilities) and the 4th leading contributor to the global burden of disease (DALYs. Disability Adjusted Life Years. The sum of years of potential life lost due to premature mortality and the years of productive life lost due to disability) in 2000.
By the year 2020, depression is projected to reach 2nd place of the ranking of DALYs calculated for all ages, both sexes.
Today, depression is already the 2nd cause of DALYs in the age category 15-44 years for both sexes combined."

So what is depression? The Dictionary defines it as this:

Psychology. A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression.

It doesnt really tell us a lot. Basically depression is lots of things to lots of different people. I have compiled a list of the most common symptoms:

1. Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
2. Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
3. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
4. Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
5. Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
6. Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
7. Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
8. Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
9. Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
10. Thoughts of self harming
11. Delusions and/or hallucinations
12. Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain.

So now we know the definition of it, and the symptoms, so how de we treat it? well there are numerous theories and treatments:

Medication-SSRI’s, Tricyclics, MAOI’s, SNRI’s
Herbal Therapies-St Johns Wort
Psychotherapies-“Talking”, behavioural ECT-Electroconvulsive therapy

Medication

There are several types of antidepressant medications used to treat depressive disorders. These include newer medications chiefly the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) the tricyclics, and the monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs). The SSRIs and other newer medications that affect neurotransmitters such as dopamine or norepinephrine generally have fewer side effects than tricyclics.
Sometimes the doctor will try a variety of antidepressants before finding the most effective medication or combination of medications. Sometimes the dosage must be increased to be effective. Although some improvements may be seen in the first few weeks, anti-depressant medications must be taken regularly for 3 to 4 weeks (in some cases, as many as 8 weeks) before the full therapeutic effect occurs.
Patients often are tempted to stop medication too soon. They may feel better and think they no longer need the medication. Or they may think the medication isn't helping at all. It is important to keep taking medication until it has a chance to work, though side effects may appear before antidepressant activity does. Once the individual is feeling better, it is important to continue the medication for at least 4 to 9 months to prevent a recurrence of the depression. Some medications must be stopped gradually to give the body time to adjust. Never stop taking an antidepressant without consulting the doctor for instructions on how to safely discontinue the medication. For individuals with bipolar disorder or chronic major depression, medication may have to be maintained indefinitely.
Antidepressant drugs are not habit-forming. However, as is the case with any type of medication prescribed for more than a few days, antidepressants have to be carefully monitored to see if the correct dosage is being given. The doctor will check the dosage and its effectiveness regularly. For the small number of people for whom MAO inhibitors are the best treatment, it is necessary to avoid certain foods that contain high levels of tyramine, such as many cheeses, wines, and pickles, as well as medications such as decongestants. The interaction of tyramine with MAOIs can bring on a hypertensive crisis, a sharp increase in blood pressure that can lead to a stroke. The doctor should furnish a complete list of prohibited foods that the patient should carry at all times. Other forms of antidepressants require no food restrictions. Some drugs, although safe when taken alone can, if taken with others, cause severe and dangerous side effects. Some drugs, like alcohol or street drugs may reduce the effectiveness of antidepressants and should be avoided. This includes wine, beer, and hard liquor. Some people who have not had a problem with alcohol use may be permitted by their doctor to use a modest amount of alcohol while taking one of the newer antidepressants.
Antianxiety drugs or sedatives are not antidepressants. They are sometimes prescribed along with antidepressants; however, they are not effective when taken alone for a depressive disorder.
Stimulants, such as amphetamines, are not effective antidepressants, but they are used occasionally under close supervision in medically ill depressed patients. Questions about any antidepressant prescribed, or problems that may be related to the medication should be discussed with the doctor.
Lithium has for many years been the treatment of choice for bipolar disorder, as it can be effective in smoothing out the mood swings common to this disorder. Its use must be carefully monitored, as the range between an effective dose and a toxic one is small. If a person has pre-existing thyroid, kidney, or heart disorders or epilepsy, lithium may not be recommended. Fortunately, other medications have been found to be of benefit in controlling mood swings. Among these are two mood-stabilizing anticonvulsants, carbamazepine (Tegretol®) and valproate (Depakote®). Both of these medications have gained wide acceptance in clinical practice, and valproate has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration for first-line treatment of acute mania. Other anticonvulsants that are being used now include lamotrigine (Lamictal®) and gabapentin (Neurontin®): their role in the treatment hierarchy of bipolar disorder remains under study.
Most people who have bipolar disorder take more than one medication including, along with lithium and/or an anticonvulsant, a medication for accompanying agitation, anxiety, depression, or insomnia. Finding the best possible combination of these medications is of utmost importance to the patient and requires close monitoring by the physician.

Herbal Therapies

In the past few years, much interest has risen in the use of herbs in the treatment of both depression and anxiety. St. John's wort (Hypericum perforatum), an herb used extensively in the treatment of mild to moderate depression in Europe, has recently aroused interest in the United States. St. John's wort, an attractive bushy, low-growing plant covered with yellow flowers in summer, has been used for centuries in many folk and herbal remedies. Today in Germany, Hypericum is used in the treatment of depression more than any other antidepressant. However, the scientific studies that have been conducted on its use have been short-term and have used several different doses. Because of the widespread interest in St. John's wort, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) conducted a 3-year study, sponsored by three NIH components the National Institute of Mental Health, the National Centre for Complementary and
Alternative Medicine and the Office of Dietary Supplements. The study was designed to include 336 patients with major depression of moderate severity, randomly assigned to an 8-week trial with one-third of patients receiving a uniform dose of St. John's wort, another third sertraline, a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) commonly prescribed for depression, and the final third a placebo (a pill that looks exactly like the SSRI and the St. John's wort, but has no active ingredients). The study participants who respond positively were followed for an additional 18 weeks. At the end of the first phase of the study, participants were measured on two scales, one for depression and one for overall functioning.
There was no significant difference in rate of response for depression, but the scale for overall functioning was better for the antidepressant than for either St. John’s wort or placebo. While this study did not support the use of St. John’s wort in the treatment of major depression, ongoing NIH-supported research is examining a possible role for St. John’s wort in the treatment of milder forms of depression.
The Food and Drug Administration issued a Public Health Advisory on February 10, 2000. It stated that St. John’s wort appears to affect an important metabolic pathway that is used by many drugs prescribed to treat conditions such as AIDS, heart disease, depression, seizures, certain cancers, and rejection of transplants. Therefore, health care providers should alert their patients about these potential drug interactions.
Some other herbal supplements frequently used that have not been evaluated in large-scale clinical trials are ephedra, gingko biloba, Echinacea, and ginseng. Any herbal supplement should be taken only after consultation with the doctor or other health care provider.

Psychotherapies

Many forms of psychotherapy, including some short-term (10-20 week) therapies, can help depressed individuals. "Talking" therapies help patients gain insight into and resolve their problems through verbal exchange with the therapist, sometimes combined with “homework” assignments between sessions. “Behavioural" therapist’s help patients learn how to obtain more satisfaction and rewards through their own actions and how to unlearn the behavioural patterns that contribute to or result from their depression.
Two of the short-term psychotherapies that research has shown helpful for some forms of depression are interpersonal and cognitive/behavioural therapies. Interpersonal therapists focus on the patient's disturbed personal relationships that both cause and exacerbate (or increase) the depression. Cognitive/behavioural therapists help patients change the negative styles of thinking and behaving often associated with depression.
Psychodynamic therapies, which are sometimes used to treat depressed persons, focus on resolving the patient's conflicted feelings. These therapies are often reserved until the depressive symptoms are significantly improved. In general, severe depressive illnesses, particularly those that are recurrent, will require medication (or ECT under special conditions) along with, or preceding, psychotherapy for the best outcome.

How to help Yourself if you are depressed

Depressive disorders make one feel exhausted, worthless, helpless, and hopeless. Such negative thoughts and feelings make some people feel like giving up. It is important to realize that these negative views are part of the depression and typically do not accurately reflect the actual circumstances. Negative thinking fades as treatment begins to take effect. In the meantime:

• Set realistic goals in light of the depression and assume a reasonable amount of responsibility
• Break large tasks into small ones, set some priorities, and do what you can as you can.
• Try to be with other people and to confide in someone; it is usually better than being alone and secretive.
• Participate in activities that may make you feel better.
• Mild exercise, going to a movie, a ballgame, or participating in religious, social, or other activities may help.
• Expect your mood to improve gradually, not immediately. Feeling better takes time.
• It is advisable to postpone important decisions until the depression has lifted. Before deciding to make a significant transition change jobs, get married or divorced discuss it with others who know you well and have a more objective view of your situation.
• People rarely "snap out of" a depression. But they can feel a little better day-by-day
• Remember, positive thinking will replace the negative thinking that is part of the depression and will disappear as your depression responds to treatment.
• Let your family and friends help you.

How Family and friends can help

The most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging the individual to stay with treatment until symptoms begin to abate (several weeks), or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs. On occasion, it may require making an appointment and accompanying the depressed person to the doctor. It may also mean monitoring whether the depressed person is taking medication. The depressed person should be encouraged to obey the doctor's orders about the use of alcoholic products while on medication. The second most important thing is to offer emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the depressed person in conversation and listen carefully. Do not disparage feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the depressed person's therapist. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in some activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure. Do not accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her “to snap out of it.” Eventually, with treatment, most people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.

So there ya go, that was a brief summary of the lecture I gave on depression, it is very clinical and misses out lots of stuff. If you want full details and places to go for further help please dont hesitate to contact me.

So after all that how am I feeling? Lost I guess. Down, needy (did I really just admit that?) a lot of emotions. All jumbled up inside with no release. Still soon the release will come.

March 10th

Well it has been a while since i last blogged. The answer to my question on the 7th was most people will smile if you smile at them. Simple really. Answer to world peace lol.

This is only quick. Short one tonight so here is the info in short hand lol.

8th was a bleak day, down big time. Started cutting again.

9th was my Birthday, 28. Not a bad day, tho in pain constantly with back. Phoned psych crisis team, left a message as no one there. some crisis, left messsages for my Dr and the psyh nurse. No response as yet.

10th was an interesting day for me, lets just say I made some new aquaintances, and maybe something more as well.

Right told you was quick, overall mood is upwards of bottom.

Will make a full report tomorrow as I have more time then.


"There is no crime greater than having too many desires;
There is no disaster greater than not being content;
There is no misfortune greater than being covetous."

Lao Tzu

March 7th

Back again, have just walked out of uni, have a slight headache, and to be honest any excuse will do. At the moment we are studying societal psychology, which is sometimes boring sometimes interesting. To be honest with the attention span I have at the moment, nothing seems that interesting as I cant concentrate on anything long enough to make head nor tail of it. Today we spoke at prejudice and oppression. I am prejudice, I know I am. I am this way for many many reasons, life events that have happened to me, my upbringing, my beliefs, the media. Lots of different things contribute to who I am and what I feel.
Today I feel low, I don't know why. Nothing in paticular has happened. The usual start to the day. The usual drive into uni, nothing is any different, yet everything is different. There are different pepole sat in there cars listening to different things. Getting angry and impatient over something they have no control over. I like watching people in there cars, sometimes it makes me smile to myself as I wonder who is watching me in mine. People seem oblivious in there little mettle boxes, as if they are cocooned in there only little universe, not really aware of what's going on around them or who is watching them. Not really taking part in anything except the humdrum slog of propelling themselves to wherever it is they are going, work, school, shopping, doctors. Maybe some of them will never return home. This thought sticks in my head and I start to look around and wonder if any of these people here now, that I can see will not return home to there families, for whatever reason. Maybe they are involved in an accident, maybe a chance encounter means they leave there family for someone else, maybe they are kidnapped by aliens? There is so many different reasons for everything, our world is huge in a strange sort of way. We all make choices, we make infinite numbers of choices each day without really giving any of them any real thought. From clothes and colours we wear, to where we park, to when we blink. All these are choices, some are subconscious, but they are all choices.
I wonder if we could make all our subconscious choices conscious ones by thinking about it. I wonder if the need to consciously make that many decisions a day would drive us mad? Sometimes I think that I may be mad, I have so much going on round and round in my brain. One thing my psychiatric nurse picked up on was the fact that I never stop, I never truly relax. I cant, I guess I worry about what might happen if I did. Would I start again? I guess I would other people do it all the time. I envy those people.


Hmmmmmmmmmm enough thinking for today. I am going off now to see how many people will smile back at me if I smile at them.

March 6th

Hey Folks, Its another sunny day outside, but this doesn't match my mood. Im struggling today, struggling with the thought of all the pain that I have caused other people, and myself. Struggling with the responsibilities that I have in my life, both to myself and to others.
Today is Mothers day, and I have spoken to my mother. She was her usual self. Uncommunicative and insular, or is it more that that's how I am and I see myself in her reflection. Perhaps.
I feel the need to get drunk today, to blot things out, why? No paticular reason, just the need to be numb, comfortably numb. To forget everything and everyone, not for long, just for a while. The ghosts of the past are haunting me today, friends and family I have lost, both physically and spiritually. Nothing is worse than knowing you pushed people away, people that could and would help you, but you gave them no choice, they had to leave. At least this is what I tell myself, is it true? Probably, although I could never be sure. Maybe its all just a figment of my imagination. I hope so, but if so then why torture oneself like this?
I am, I guess, a pretty together and with it kinda guy, at last that's how most people see me, they don't know about the torrent of emotion and despair that is awash inside of me. These feelings that control me, the scars they have made on my body both physical and emotional. The drain that even breathing takes out of me, sometimes it is just far too much, I wish this drain to stop, I wish I could stop. Stop for just a minute, take nothing onboard for a minute, switch my brain of for a minute, like rebooting a computer, I believe that this would clear a lot of rubbish and drains on resources that others need. Yeah that's a good metaphor. I need rebooting, a system clean. Just in humans you cant push a button and make it all right.
Theres no magic pills either. Prozac, valium, SSRI's SNRI's tricyclic antidepresants, none of these work particularly well. They just stop the feelings for a bit, but then I find they stop all feelings. Is like a total crash of the emotional system, and I fear that is worse than the pain of living with the despair. To be honest I don't know. I guess I never have.

Laters.

3rd March

Here I am again, clicking away. Yesterday turned out to be a deep dark day really. Everything I touched went wrong, and every thing I tried to do backfired. I suppose I am still waiting for the tablets to start working and make me feel better. I don't know that I have the patience to wait around for 3 months to see if tablets are going to cure me or not. I have always lived with a basic existentialist view I guess, This is, Make a choice, everything in life is a choice, you make your choice and then you live with the angst of that choice.
Well I'm not sure I made the choice to be ill, perhaps I did, who knows. Yesterday I tried to make the choice not to be ill, or to be more exact, I chose to be healthy. (Anyone that knows anything about psychology would know you don't put not in sentences) This however didn't work, the depression if anything deepened, every time someone spoke to me or said something I became angry, not necersarily at them, or at what they were saying, I was just angry. Angry all day, that takes something out of you. The constant dumping of adrenaline into your system, the constant need to react and burn it off. The sorry constant reminder of pain that stops you from doing so. My back just seems to get worse and worse, I know I try and do as much as I can (which in its present state isn't a lot) but no matter how many hot baths or pain killers, my back never eases up, even laying in bed hurts it.
I think today will be a good day. Looking out of my window, the sun is shining, the mist is evaporating off the peaks (which are still snow capped) the birds are fluttering about trying to find food. Everything seems so peaceful and serene. Mother nature in one of her finest hours. Yet inside I can feel the rage growing, my anger, I don't know why it bubbles away so. I don't even know what causes it to become so intense. At the moment it is just there bubbling around, quietend by the awe of nature.
I hope it stays like that all day, then today truly would have been a good day.

March 2nd 11:23am

Hello one and all in blog world. The last week has been eventful so far. Lets see, I have hurt my back and now is causing problems with my legs. The Dr thinks I may have some pressure on a nerve somewhere, and has recommended physio. The down side is she reckons it will be 12 weeks before I get any. (Ty Tony Blair) Still suffering from a broken thumb which is making everything that little bit harder (just what I needed).

I'm still waiting to see a psychiatrist, only been a month now. The Dr has changed my medication again and has recommended I start using valium and Beta blockers as well as my antidepressants and sleeping tablets (think I will be rattling if this keeps up). I have refused for the time being, but I don't know how much Longer I can last like this. The depression deepens it seems with every passing day, hour, minute. I have started smoking again (which is a fowl habit).

The problem I face at the moment is that all my coping mechanisms were physical based, kick boxing, running, walking etc. The back problems are now stopping me from using these and I find myself in a strange situation. 1) I am now effectively inactive. 2) The Rage that consumes me is becoming even more difficult to live with. Especially now I have no outlet for it. I am beginning to worry about my family as they are around most the time, if I'm going to blow it is likely to be them that cops the brunt of it.

I feel the need to cut myself to release the Rage, to let it consume me and my body, to punish my body for the things that are wrong with my mind, to make my mental problems physical so I can deal with them. It is a dark place.
I want to hurt, I want to feel the pain, I want to punish me.

I made contact with an old friend who may be able to help me through this situation, his name is Pip Wilson, he is a great person, a truly honest caring and generous man. Please go and read Pips blog, http://pipwilsonbhp.blogspot.com/ you may get a better understanding of what I am about to say. I am beautiful imperfection, although at the moment I am struggling to see the beauty, whilst the imperfections seem far to obvious. Also on pips Blog is this piece of prose which I read and it made immediate sense to me. (sorry for pinching your stuff Pip)

"There are many people who are sincere without being simple;
they are ever afraid of being seen for what they are not;
they are always musing over their words and thoughts and thinking about what they have done, in fear of having done or said too much.
These people are sincere, but they are not simple;
they are not at ease with others, and other people are not at ease with them. There is nothing easy about them, nothing free, spontaneous or natural.
People who are imperfect, less regular, less masters of themselves, are more lovable.
This is how people find them, and it is the same with God."

Fransois Fanelon

I wish I could be more simple.

Me