September 26th

Wow nearly two weeks!!! Right just a quick one, I will fill you all in latter about everything. In short I am fine, family are ok. Father in Law is home from hospital now and we are trying to sort out getting him to Sarnia (Guernsey) for that is where he wants to be. I have quit my delivery job!!! Not sure its a great idea but is too late now. I have joined forces with a friend and we have a computer shop set up in a market hall!!! So thats all cool, on top of that board-monkey is begining to come along quite well as well!!!. So all in all not too bad at all.
How am I? I am keeping it together, and the Mrs? She is as well, but both of us are close to breaking point. Still, life would be no fun without challenges!

September 16th

Finally a few minutes to compose my thoughts and sit down and try to write something. Firstly it is 10:40 am, I have allready been to Leeds and back today for a Dental Hygenists appointment, unfortunately the blokey didnt turn up so a wasted journey, however it has left me with some time factored into my day!!!!!
Work is in turmoil at the moment, far too much to do and not enough time to get it all sorted and arranged, I have network instals to do as well as repairs and services!!! I will get into it over the weekend I think and work on it from there. Also on Monday I start back at university, which I am and am not looking forward too, still it will give me something to do, like I dont have enough on at the moment.
The hypnotherapy I had at the begining of the week, or was it last week? I cant remember, seems to have eased the pain a bit, or maybe that is just wishful thinking, either way I am still in pain, but it is not as bad.
The company that supplies my pc bits is talking to me at the moment about merging and becoming one slightly bigger company offering everything all under one roof, it is a possibility. Tho I kinda like being my own boss and doing what I want, when I want. Time will tell I guess.
My brothers wedding is next weekend and it does not look like I am going to make it down for it, this is a shame as he is a good bloke and the girl he is marrying is a lovely lass, they are both kind people and are well suited. I wish them every happiness and joy in their lives together.
Father in Law is still in hospital and they are still talking about where to go next with him. He wants to come home and I do not blame him. We are trying to put all the help and support in place for him and for me and the mrs as it will be us careing for him. I am glad we are as I would not like strangers careing for him, and more to the point, he would not like it either. Yet it is another strain and stress to the allready over worked mind and body of both myself and my partner. I know I can cope with it, I have broard shoulders, yes it will be a strain and yes it will impact massively on our lives for however long it will be, but I know I can cope. I am worried about J tho, she is holding it together well at the moment, but most of it is an act. She hurts deep down inside more than I can ever imagine I think, we talk lots and hug lots and I try to be there for her, but I do not do enough, or can never seem to do enough. Both of us are operating on short fuses at the moment, which makes for an explosive relationship at home. If it was not for my mum staying with us and looking after son then all hell would have broken lose by now. Fortunately mum and J get on great together and are good friends, thin its the similairty in age, tho do not tell J I said that ;-)

So thats life, how am I? I am tired, stressed, tired, exhausted, did I mention tired? In some ways it is good, I am sleeping at the moment, but I think it is more due to physical and mental exhaustion. I do not wake refreashed, or even feeling good. Life keeps going and things keep passing me by, I had to check the dates three times this morning before I finally got it stuck in my head, this is unlike me. I have moved into the comfortably numb stage at the moment. Nothing matters, everyhting is cold and calculated. For me this is a warning sign, it is a slip and a possible step backwards in my fight against depression. I know it is here, and I can see it happening, but try as I might I am too tired to do anyhting to fight it at the moment. I am going to phone a friend for a chat, and possibly my doctor as well, just for a chat. I do not want to go back on pills, but at the moment I need to do what is best for others, not just what I feel is best for me. So that is me, tired and stressed and numb. Hope you are doing better out there.

Be well.

(PS Feel free to leave some comments, erm any comments....................)

September 15th

Ok just a quickie, my feelings are in turmoil, I am holding it together, barely. All of my other halfs family have descended from USA and Guernsey etc. Father in Law is not well, they are now saying they will not treat anything and it is just a case of deciding wether he comes home or goes straight to a hospice to end his days.

No one has asked how I feel about it all, everyone is too wrapped up in their own grief to think about anyone else. I just keep going and running people around and being everyone elses shoulder to cry on. The truth is I hurt over it, I have the upmost respect and admiration for my father in law the world is loseing a great man. Still I got broard shoulders............

September 12th

Hi, wow another week passes. Father in Law is in Hopsital still and is now in stages of renal failure, but it is controled. They are talking about operating midweek to drain off the kidneys and see if they will recover, if not then the end is nigh. In some ways, and this sounds harsh I wonder if we should do the operation, it is only going to extend his life and and leave him with three drains for the rest of his life. It wont cure the cancer or stop the pain, just make him 'better'. I dont know.
Anyways, how am I? I am fine, I had hypnotherpay this week for the pain in my back, it went ok I guess, and I will let you know if it gets any better. My spirits are ok, and I am feeling quite bouyant and positive this week, I dont know how long for, but at the moment it is looking good.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Be well

6th September

Well, what a difference a day can make. I am still good :) Well I am ok, but I am trying to be positive. Tonight my father In Law is being rushed into hospital, pretty much as we speak. They have finally decided it is time to see if they can help him out there, basically he is to weak to go through any more treatment and he hasnt been eating for 4 weeks now either as he is constantly being sick.
I was sat with him the other day, listening to the clocks ticking, the ever present reminder of time running out, and watching him breath. He is a great man, one of the unsung heros. I just wish this last bit would be quick, as much for him (as he hates being reliant on others) as for ourselves. Although I dont want him to go, I would rather he went peacefully than die a long and lingering death. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the nature of the beast as far as prostrate cancer goes. My 8 year old is trying to come to terms with the fact that his Grandad might well die soon, it is not easy on him, part of me wishs he had not been told, the other part is glad he has been. The tears are less frequent now, but still they come from time to time. He has a childs naievety about death, and I envy him that I think.
I have spent most of today sat at hospitals, waiting, or in the park with boy. Both times watching people, trying to read them. Noticing the differences between those frolicing in the sunlight and those sat in the flourescent strip light halls of the hospital. The main difference is hope, the hospital seems to leach it out of you, as if the very walls could suck it away. Every breath a little more dissapears. Watching the patients coming in for chemo and radiotherapy, the look in their eyes, the acceptance of it all. The children are the worst, how unfair.

Still, life goes on I guess.

Hope you are all well.

September 5th

Just a short one, I have to enrol at university next Monday, and the course starts on the 26th :-)
However, the university has lost me in there system, so after spending some time on the phone, and people agreeing that yes I have passed the last two years, I now have to go down there and sort it all out. SHeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh. Never mind.
Father in Law is getting weaker and weaker, in all honesty I dont know why, the cancer does not seem to be that bad, but everything else is going wrong, no doubt the medical profesion will find the cancer has spread or he has some other ailment as yet undiagnosed.
Everything else in my life is pretty much the same, the dark clouds are still hanging over me, but I have found an umbrella to keep the rain off, hehe I like that one. I think I will use it again. Insomnia is still a major thing at the moment, last night I managed an amazing 2 and a half hours sleep :)

Anyway, I am ok, I am still fighting.

Hope you are all well.

1st September

Today is the start of a new month, and hopefully it will bring new things with it. The last few days have been hard, the insomnia is back again, big time, the last couple of nights have seen me with less than 3 hours asleep all together, it is ok tho. I am ok. I missed GreenBelt, that is a shame, but I intend to get involved with it next year, infact I am going too start looking at applying to be a steward, right now!!!!
I have been to see the dentist, which is a massive step for me, with all the kick boxing and door working etc you would think a dentist would not instill me with a complete all consuming fear, but it does. Still I have been and I have to have an extraction and some fillings replaced, but I will get it done.
The worst news is about my father in law, he is sick. He has lived with cancer for years, recently it has spread and in the last few weeks he has gone down hill. Today is worst than yesterday and it is a shame, he is a true gentleman and one of the last breed of them I guess. He served in Korea, has been a policeman for years, was a true head of the household and family always came first, a strong believer in both God and good. I only hope I am strong enough to hold everything together for Judes, and to ease and help her family in any way I can. I have only known him for a couple of years, but a kinder, fairer man you would never meet, his passing will be a sad loss to the community and especially those of us that love him.

Be Well