February 23rd

Well, what a week. The funeral went well, and was well attended. Even the weather was not that bad. I cried all the way through it, I tried not too, but the tears would not stop flowing. Wednesday we went to Chester zoo with my son, he wanted to adopt a bat in memory of his Grandad, so we did. He is great my son, he says the Zoo is his favourite place after home and he will miss going there with his Grandad.
All Judes family have gone now, and life is returning to normal, well kinda. Judes has been great through all this, I am worried about her, she has not really started grieving. Instead she has been everybodies pillar of strength, which is amazing when you consider it weas her dad, and it was her that had to deal with looking after him for so long. There is going to be a huge gap in all our lives.
Her fathers ashes are going to be spread in Guernsey, where he came from. So we have decided to get married in Guernsey when we go to spread his ashes, hopefuly at the vale churh where her mum is as well. That way all her family can be there, her Dad would have liked that.
So, How am I? I am alive, and I am strong. Life is kicking us hard at the moment, but we will survive. I have a kind and loving family surrounding me and because of this I will survive. Yes, it has been hard, and yes I have had to deal with some memories I would rather have not had to face, but Judes has helped me through them.

Hope all is well in Cyber Space

15th February

It is with a sad heart that I write this blog. On the 13th at 3:20pm, my father-in-law, a truly great man passed away. It was not unexpectead, and in some ways it was a relief, he was surrounded by family and friends and passed quietly.
He fought in the war, he was a police officer for years, he had a family, had a loving wife who passed a few years ago, was a christian but most of all was my friend, a man I respected and admired, we did not always share the same views on who should win at rugby or what was the best way to do things, but we could always talk about our differences and discuss frankly the world and everything in it.
Judes has lost a father, and I feel for her I really do. She loved him and as she would say it feels like her heart has been torn out and ripped to shreds. I do everything I can to help, be there for her, listen to her, comfort and support her, but in my more selfish moments I think, what about me, ok he was not my father, but he was my friend. I have suffered a loss too, a big loss, my heart aches too. I want him back as well.
Still he is at peace now, and is no longer in any pain, I truly believe that. I need to believe that I think. Anyway the funeral is next tuesday at 10:30am, I do not know if I will get a chance to write anything else this week, the keyboard got wet enough writing this bit.

Hope all is well in cyber land

6th February

What defines your life? Think about that for a minute, what makes you, you? I have been thinking about this a lot. I have spent my life trying to define myself with objects. I have everything a person needs. I have original artworks in every room, I have a chesterfield 3 piece suite in the TV room, I also have a large flat screen TV with surround sound, a super fast PC, another 3 piece suite and matching futon bed in the reading room, a pearl export 25 anniversary drum kit, two sound systems, PS2, 3cars, a bespoke kitchen, a library, master suite with ensuite wet room etc etc etc. The list could go on and on and on. The strangest thing is none of them are me. They don’t define me, they are all equally part of me, but none of them are me.
They reflect who I am, or at east I would hope they do, many an hour has been spent choosing the right artworks, or the right TV etc. But they show a part of me that I want people to see, almost like an actor on stage. Each piece tunes his performance towards perfection, like essential props on the grand stage of life.
So what makes me, me? Is it my ability to love another? Is it my quick thinking highly advanced brain? Is it my soul or sub conscious? Again the answer is no. Not one of thee things defines who I am. Sure they all make up me and without one I would be a different person, but none of them are me. In short, I have come to a stumbling block; I don’t know who I am. I am many things to many people, I am a father, a lover, a carer, a friend and confidant and an enemy.
The question is who am I to me? Am I the Master, the father or the carer? In truth I am none of these, they are just roles I adopt for different people. I would like to believe I am the warrior that I strive to be so badly, but in truth, that is just another role I play.

I believe that if I can truly find out who I am, then I will truly find peace. I seek that knowledge now more today than ever in my life.

As I sit so still and quiet and the dragons watch over me from their perches on shelves and windows, I realise that at the moment, what I truly am, is afraid, scared, lonely, desperate, isolated and evil.
I say evil because that is what occupies my thoughts and soul at the moment. It is, as if, my whole world is black and my blackness spreads over into other peoples worlds. I cast a shadow onto them by contact alone. I have seen wise men crack and strong men fall, I have enjoyed there demise in a truly selfish way. I suppose what scares me now is that this time, it is me cracking and falling.

I leave you now with this question;

Who are you?

More importantly, who am I?