27th July

The all too familiar sting of the eyes, the swollen puffy redness, the lack luster feel of my hair, the aging skin of my hands and face, the disassociation I seem to feel from everything. My body moves, I am not sure if I am controlling it, or if it is doing it on its own, I stumble, bounce off of door frames stumble again. I have a shower, as much to wake me up as anything, nothing feels right, the water doesn't feel right, the 'revitalization shower scrub' does nothing except smell all too strongly of different citrus fruits. I feel sick, I try eating, feel even more sick now. I eye the scotch and vodka, maybe just a small one, I have been here before. I know if I have 'just a small one' then tomorrow I will wake up not knowing what happened today and feel even more terrible.
I shave my beard off, the razor drags across the flesh, it is almost as if I can feel every hair being cut. I cut myself, I don't know if I did it on purpose or not, it is not as deep as it would normally be if I cut on purpose, but right now I don't know if I can trust my feelings and senses. I watch the blood run down my face, I watch it pool on my top lip, then drip down into the bowl. I do not feel any better.
You see, insomnia has returned with a vengeance. In the last three nights I might have slept an hour if I am lucky. The thing that worries me is I have never been this bad after just a few nights, it normally takes about a week or more for me to hit this kinda state, perhaps its because I have had a months reprieve or so, or perhaps it is just because I feel so bad that I have talked myself into imagining that things are worse than they are. Again I do not know.
tonight I will sleep, I will take some sleeping tablets and get a few hours. As I say this a feeling of failure seems to engulf me. I have been doing so well without tablets and without sleeping pills, that to admit I need to take some is to admit failure. The truth is it is not failure, it is a realisation that some times we all need help, but in my eyes, it is still failure.
I have managed to find my cigarettes and light one and inhale deeply, even these today taste horrible and the familiar burn at the back of the throat is missing. Not for the first time I consider quitting again, then again having removed all other unhealthy things from my life, drinking, drugs, diet etc I think I can allow myself to smoke for a while longer. I need a quitting date, I will consider this for a while and let you all know what I intend to do.

I look out the window, I screw my eyes up tight and then open them, my worst fears are realised when I notice everything looks plastic again, I have definitely been here before. A sadness and feeling of impending doom seeps throughout my body, I shudder. I look back at the computer screen to find the screensaver rolling through. I can not remember how long I have been sat looking out the window, considering what to write, trying to work out how to put into words what I am feeling right now. Sad, alone, miserable, ethereal, none of them seem to do the feeling justice.

July 21st

Thanks for the comments to my last post, yes readng does help to take my thoughts off of my depression. I had not looked at it like that before, I suppose in some ways it is just another distraction.
How am I? I am ok, far too much going on at the moment, but then it all serves as a distraction I suppose. Family up visiting at the moment, work going full steam ahead, boy off school sick, etc etc. Back is playing up again and I am once again in constant pain, bloody back injury. Other than that I am well.
Sorry it is short, I will catch up again very soon, but I stole 5 mins in between inings as England has just bowled Australia out for 190!!!!

July 18th

Its no longer HOT!!!!!!!!!! Wahooooooo, LOL. Infact it is raining heavily. Still that's an English summer for you I guess. Sold one of our cars today, its a strange feeling, I did not think I liked the car overly, but now its gone, I think I am going to miss it. Still, onwards and upwards.
I don't know where I am at the moment, all the days seem to blur into one long never ending hour. I am not sleeping, insomnia is like an old friend returning, I have dealt with it for years, but recently it has been different, I am not sure why. I am still having bad dreams, tho they are not as frequent as they have been in the past. I am still not taking my tablets, I cant even remember how long it has been now, 3 weeks maybe. I am ok in myself, although the last few days have been hard and I have had some lows, but I am still fighting.
Business is business, and it keeps moving in an almost satisfactory direction. We have some celebrity endorsements, and bits happening, but it all seems to take for ever. I cry a lot now.
Things on television make me cry, people being beautiful and humane make me cry, no one ever sees me cry, but I cry now more than ever before in my life I think. People say it is a release, and it helps to cry, for me it is just an emotional response, like my body is full of emotion and crying lets them escape. It is better crying than becoming aggressive. I don't feel great about it, and I don't feel that much better after crying, infact part of me is finding it hard to write about it, I am a big lad and used to have a reputation for being, erm well hard I guess. I never thought I would end up sobbing like a baby over something stupid.
On the positive side, my moods seem to be leveling off, so I am hoping that my body has got used to the lack of antidepressants and mood surpressors. I am not looking forward to seeing my Dr or my Psychiatrist, they will no doubt go nuts, still, I am feeling better in myself for not taking them.
I am reading a lot more these days as well, I used to be such a vivacious reader, then it trailed off, but now I am back to it. Of course I have the new HP book, and it is ok, I have read all of Garth Nix work and Philip Pullmans Dark materials trilogy. I have also read Darren Shaws books and re read a couple of favorites, James Frey's A million Little pieces, Linda cain's out of the dark and Plato's Republic. If anyone has some spare time then Frey is definitely the one to read.
I have started trying to meditate again and it is difficult, I used to meditate all the time, but these days cant relax or concentrate enough, still I will keep trying until it comes.

I hope this finds you all well.

July 12th

Its Hot.................Damn Hot
It has been a week!!!!!!! OMG how time flies when you aint having fun.......
quick update, business is good, pc's doing well, clothing company now off the ground and running, we still have the site to set up but please add it to your favs and check it out, should be up and running by the end of the month. www.board-monkey.com Did I mention it was hot?

how am I? I am ok, life is life, it carries on. I have stopped taking all drugs (the prescribed ones, I dont take other drugs any more) and it has been an interesting week and a bit, some low lows and some high highs, I feel better for not taking them and the challenge of setting up the new company has helped (I like new challenges and pressure). The lows are bad, but survivable, the highs are great, it as been a while since I had a high, partly due to the drugs as they level the playing field so to speak. But I am ok.
The uni course is now a distant memory and will no doubt stay that way till october, I am looking forward to getting back to it tho and I am reading a lot around the subject, psychology is amazing.
Anyways I said it would be quick, I hope this finds all of you well. Dont be scaired to leave a comment.


DO NOT STOP TAKING ANY PRESCRIBED MEDICATION WITHOUT TALKING TO YOUR DOCTOR FIRST.

July 5th

Today is a good day, i have helped my father inlaw buy a new car. He is happy with the new motor and i managed to get him a good deal. The Discovery is fine and driving well and it has been fun driving a big vehicle again. I have an interview for a job tomorrow and both my computer company and our new clothing label is going well. All in all a great day I think.
I stopped taking my tablets a few days ago, and although the fist person to say never just stop taking the anti depresants, I am feeling ok. Mind you lets see how bad I feel in a few days time.
Anyways, just a quick note to update things.

Be well all.

July 4th

Its raining, I must be in England. Which is no surprise as I live here, but just for once I would like to be somewhere else, not for long, but just for a while. Wimbledon is over for another year, a rather predictable outcome in the mens and a rather interesting one in the womens. I am glad Venus won it, it is funny watching commentators do a complete about face.
I am in one piece and surprisingly today I am a bit down, I thought today would be a good day as I have got a surprise for my better half, I have bought her a Discovery. It is the car she has always wanted, and I know it will make her happy, and that is normally enough to make me happy, but not today. Instead my mood matches the sombre dark grey clouds hanging over head.

1st July

Just a quick one to let you know I wish you all enough.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

Keep well.