Wow, it has been a long time since I have blogged. Firstly I am sorry to those that have written comments and I have not responded or acknowledged, it was great to see five comments awaiting my return. I hope and trust everyone had a great christmas and an exceptional new year.
So what has happened? Well I have left university and exchanged the work I had done at uni for a lower psychology certificate. This has saddened me some what as I enjoyed it, yet at the same time has relieved so much pressure from me as well.
We have not moved and so we still reside in cheshire, just outside Manchester. Chrsitmas was great although busy in the shop and still taking up a lot of our time. We are looking to expand into new premises very shortly and that is quite exciting although borrowing money to do it is a little bit nerve racking.
Judes dad is still with us, although he is being taken into a hospice this wekend at some point for 'symptom treatment' which I think basically means they try and make him feel a bit better and send him back to us, although if I am being honest I do not expect him to come home from the hospice. He has confided in us that he has had enough now and does not want to fight any more. He said that he did not want to die around christmas or new year as he did not want to ruin anyones festive time. An admirable trait but man does it make you feel guilty. Judes still cares for him and the strain is showing big time. She is on antidepressants and is struggling through amazingly but it takes a toll far deeper than anyone of us really realises I guess.
The illness has bought up the usual conversations of euthanasia and treatment of terminal patients. Ths is a subject lots of people feel strongly about, having been in the position before of being asked to administor a lethal doseage of painkillers to a terminally ill friend one which I feel perticularly pasionate about. Especially as I could not do it, this big hard strapping lad could not do what a dear friend asked him to do. Judes knew I was asked before but was surprised to see the tears rolling down my face as we discussed the subject. Her sister said she could and would feel no remorse about having done it. I dont believe this and tried to point out that no one could say if they could until that time arrived and the situation is stareing you in the face. As usual, no one listens to me.
I miss a lot of things in my life that have come and gone, friendships, lovers, people that have touched my life and moved on not knowing what they have done, or having a chance to let them know or show them. I have felt like this for a while and have visited some friends graves and places where they were scattered and spoke to them. It is amazing that at 28 I have been to more funerals and burried more friends than most people who are twice my age, but I guess thats life, or not, as the case may be.
I think that is enough for now, thats where I am and what I am doing. How am I feeling? Nostalgic and regretful, sad and low, alone and cold, the call of the knife is strong this week, more than once I have thought about it, infact more than that, maybe even felt like I needed it, but I have not.
Am I low yes, am I depresssed, yes. Do I need any help? No. I am fighting and survivng.
Love you all
