27th July

The all too familiar sting of the eyes, the swollen puffy redness, the lack luster feel of my hair, the aging skin of my hands and face, the disassociation I seem to feel from everything. My body moves, I am not sure if I am controlling it, or if it is doing it on its own, I stumble, bounce off of door frames stumble again. I have a shower, as much to wake me up as anything, nothing feels right, the water doesn't feel right, the 'revitalization shower scrub' does nothing except smell all too strongly of different citrus fruits. I feel sick, I try eating, feel even more sick now. I eye the scotch and vodka, maybe just a small one, I have been here before. I know if I have 'just a small one' then tomorrow I will wake up not knowing what happened today and feel even more terrible.
I shave my beard off, the razor drags across the flesh, it is almost as if I can feel every hair being cut. I cut myself, I don't know if I did it on purpose or not, it is not as deep as it would normally be if I cut on purpose, but right now I don't know if I can trust my feelings and senses. I watch the blood run down my face, I watch it pool on my top lip, then drip down into the bowl. I do not feel any better.
You see, insomnia has returned with a vengeance. In the last three nights I might have slept an hour if I am lucky. The thing that worries me is I have never been this bad after just a few nights, it normally takes about a week or more for me to hit this kinda state, perhaps its because I have had a months reprieve or so, or perhaps it is just because I feel so bad that I have talked myself into imagining that things are worse than they are. Again I do not know.
tonight I will sleep, I will take some sleeping tablets and get a few hours. As I say this a feeling of failure seems to engulf me. I have been doing so well without tablets and without sleeping pills, that to admit I need to take some is to admit failure. The truth is it is not failure, it is a realisation that some times we all need help, but in my eyes, it is still failure.
I have managed to find my cigarettes and light one and inhale deeply, even these today taste horrible and the familiar burn at the back of the throat is missing. Not for the first time I consider quitting again, then again having removed all other unhealthy things from my life, drinking, drugs, diet etc I think I can allow myself to smoke for a while longer. I need a quitting date, I will consider this for a while and let you all know what I intend to do.

I look out the window, I screw my eyes up tight and then open them, my worst fears are realised when I notice everything looks plastic again, I have definitely been here before. A sadness and feeling of impending doom seeps throughout my body, I shudder. I look back at the computer screen to find the screensaver rolling through. I can not remember how long I have been sat looking out the window, considering what to write, trying to work out how to put into words what I am feeling right now. Sad, alone, miserable, ethereal, none of them seem to do the feeling justice.