August 13th

Damn another week passes, I am really sorry I will try and blog more frequently.
Still this week, lets see, it was my boys birthday, he got everything he wanted and we had a really great time at Chester Zoo. We went on a bat walk with them so there was only about 20 people in the zoo after it closed, we had a chance to see the animals (and hear the lion roar, which sends shivers up and down your spine) and enjoy the peace and serenity of it all. Oh yeah and we saw some bats as well. All in all a great day. Oh and the portable DVD player is for him, honest it is!!!!!
Work is work, it is still going ok, not as much as I did have on, but enough to keep me toiling away with drivers and operating systems and viruses. Had most of this week off to reflect on some parts of my life and to enjoy spending time with my boy and Mrs. It has not been a bad week. I have a lot to be thankful for, which in some ways makes me feel even worse when I have a bad day.
How can someone who has a life like mine sit there feeling depressed and lets face it sometimes suicidal. I think this is a trap a lot of people can fall into, and it is self perpetuating, you feel good about your life, you feel depressed, you don't know why, you feel more depressed, you have a good couple of days where you work it out, then bang another bad day where nothing makes sense. You cant figure it out, you feel more depressed, and so on and so on. My way of dealing with this now is very different to what it used to be.
Those who know me well will have heard me at some point call myself Big Jim, those that know me really well, know how bad this is as well. Big Jim is my alter ego, he makes statements like I have no feelings and emotions, and to a certain point it is correct, I had learnt a way to switch it all off. The problem came when you switched it all back on, over time it became harder and harder to find myself again after the emotional shutdowns. Then one day I realised I could not switch it all back on. I struggled through two years trying to 'find' myself, or become the person I knew I should be. It was hell, but I did it. I promised myself I would never go to the Big Jim place again, easier said than done. Still, a couple of years down the track and I have mostly accomplished what I wanted. Big Jim is still there and he always will be, it is into him that I slip when I lose my temper or when I end up in confrontation, but these times are less and less frequent and only for short periods of time.
So, how do I cope with it all now? I have not suddenly got better, and I have not suddenly stopped being depressed. I still feel the same lows and anger and rage that I have felt for the past year now. The difference is instead of masking them with chemicals, and allowing them to take over I fight it. Not always successfully, but I am getting better at it. I accept that I am depressed, and in some ways even welcome it, after all it is a feeling and allows me to know that I am not 'Big Jim'. My coping stratergies change fairly frequently and different situations call for different measures. I suppose some people would call it life, I call it surviving. I still have the urge to cut, but have not done so in a while, this doesn't mean I am 'cured' or 'better' it means that I am surviving without resulting in drawing blood. It does not mean I wont do it again, I will always be a cutter, and it will always be a weapon in my defence against depression.
I am keeping myself busy, this helps a lot, and I am getting wet a lot. This sounds strange, but one thing I have found that makes me feel good and alive is a brisk walk, normally in the pouring rain!!! Physical exhaustion also helps, but is a double edged sword, for example if your symptoms include anorexia or bulimia or you generally are not eating be sensible, physical exhaustion is going to take a lot more out of you than you realise and have a possibly serious effect. Me, I eat like a horse, and all the wrong foods, so the physical bit does me some good.
On top of all this, talk to people, talk to your pets, write a diary, just get it out somehow. It all helps. Me, I write this, I know other people read it and I know some of them quite well, but most are just names in cyber space. I thought at first it might bother me, but as time has gone on I have begun to realise that it helps me. So there you go, the break down of how to cope being me, there is lots of other things I do as well, and I have written nothing you wont find in any number of self help books. Some people would say that cutting is not a defence and is a symptom, and maybe that is a bit controversial, but to me, it is a coping mechanism, it is how I cope, not how I define my illness.

Having said all this, I have had some ups and downs this week. A couple of days especially where my rage was near the surface for a long period of time. I survived, and so did everybody around me. All in all I make that 2-0 to me over the rage this week.

Any how, I have to run. I saw this postcard in an oxfam shop, and it made me smile. It is now attached firmly to the wall above the puter.

" I cant decide whether to be a good example or a horrible warning"

(I think being a horrible warning, may be more fun!!!!!!!)

Be well